Long weekend whoop whoop!

Sorry Mich. No video of me singing. It never occured to me to ask anyone to capture the moment. Next season I will get someone to do it.

Woke up friday morning at 212.3 so I successfully lost 5 pounds in time for this weekend. Not the 10 I was hoping for due to a huuuuge binge on Monday night. And sunday too. Fuuuuuck.

Mike came over on Wednesday night after my rehearsal. He drove me to work at the hospital in the morning. He had to bring the on call phone back anyway. He didn't have to work, the lucky bum. Thursday I worked and had a meeting afterward I was hoping to see Mike in the evening but he was playing cards with his friends. He texted me at 4am just to say good night.

I had a crappy sleep and texted him at 9 in the morning to see if he was up. He got up to pee so I asked him if I could come crawl into bed with him. Mmmmm morning cuddles and ahem. . . Other thongs lol. We went to subway for breakfast and then spent the rest of the day being lazy. We watched Rise of the Guardians and the Star Trek movie. His room mate joined us for a bit of both. I went home around 6 to make myself some supper, I didn't want any of his hamburger helper. I was sitting round trying to figure out what to do with my evening and Mike texted me to tell me they were playing cards and I could come if I wanted.  That was at like 7:30. Lol. I've been trying to make sure I give him space and don't get too clingy but if he's inviting me I'm jumping on the opportunity. Especially if I have no other plans. Soooo I played one of his room mates decks and drank with them until 2am. I was that cool girlfriend who went on a beer

Now I'm sitting in my hair dressers chair getting my roots filled in. Don't want to show up to family dinner all trashy looking .... I'm really fucking nervous. Also I need to poop and Kat is moving her stuff out right now so I'm kind of avoiding the apartment cuz I'm a jerk like that. I'll probably go to Wal-Mart after this and wander around aimlessly. I need to pick up some gray tights for my outfit anyway. I also need to either take the polish off my nails or re-do them cuz they're all chipped and crappy looking. I also need to injest something. Probably a protein shake. I also need to weigh myself after I get some alone time in the bathroom.

12:46 and I still haven't eaten but my hair is done and I've picked up tights from Wal-Mart.  Time to weigh in I think .... 211.8 Alright. Could be worse aftoer a night of drinking and sitting around. I'm ok with this number for today.

240 calories for lunch and a small bowl of that white cheddar popcorn for a snack. Lots of wiggle room for dinner this evening. Ok. Polish removed. Time to shower and re-polish. Then hair and make up. I have about 2 and a half hours.

Alright. I wish I could take full body shots but my phone camera is awkward to manipulate. So here's an awkward body shot. But only of my top half and my makeup/hair.

Here we go
Wish me luck
Xoxo Nessa

Mega drop

Thursday morning I weighed 211.7
Sunday morning I'm at 212.2 after drinking a few last night and having 2 ridiculously large pieces of lasgna for dinner. Mmmm I made it myself from scratch! (picture below)

I'm going to guess that 217 for a couple days was poop and water retention. Or maybe 211 was an illusion. Maybe it's all a lie  . . .

Knowing how many calories I've eaten feels soooooo good. And logging everything forces me to evaluate my choices. No more blindly shoving food in my face.  I'm honestly surprised I didn't balloon up to 225 with the crap I was eating. And I was trying not to feel guilty about it... so I just ignored my little voice that said "don't put that in your mouth"

I didn't count calories completely on Friday but I still tracked what I ate and thought about it. Mike asked me out for dinner and a movie on Friday :D tehe. I had a philly cheese melt with a side of honey dill carrots. We watched the hobbit and cuddled. He referred to himself as my boyfriend at least once when I was telling him about Corey bragging about all the boobs in his face at the bar. Mike was like "what, was he trying to make tou jealous?  You shoulda bragged about how much you're getting laid... or told him if he doesn't shut up you'll get your boyfriend to come over there". Lol.Cute. He's finally gotten into a habit of texting with me everyday. And he usually texts me good night before he goes to bed.

Saturday morning (ish) lol. Mike and I went for brunch. His buddy Layton and his room mate joined us. This has happened once before. But the first time we were dating and we were barely talking between randomly seeing each other and we certainly were not making any plans together at that point. It was awkward. This time was not. I felt like i belonged. Mmmmm. I like him being my boyfriend. Like really like it.They dropped me off so they could go help a friend move and he looked like he wanted to kiss me when I got out but wasn't sure and I didn't want to embarrass him in front of his man friends so I didn't.Cleaned my car, inside and out, then made this delicious lasagna!

 

Mike is getting half of it. I'm bringing it to him for supper tonight. What a great girlfriend I am. :)

Went out last night for Kat's birthday. Apparently she actually is moving out this week..... *fingers crossed* that she actually does it. This is how I did my hair and makeup. I think this is how I will do for Easter dinner next weekend, when I meet Mike's family. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee. hhahaha. i'm more than a little nervous.

 

 

PS. I am all caught up on my blog reading!!!

Love y'all

XOXO Nessa 

Wednesday eaaaarly up

217.4 this morning. Da fuck? Moved my scale a little further back to where it usually sits and got 216.4

Food injested screenshot is below!

I downloaded my fitness pal onto my phone. If you have it and you want to add me, my user name is nerdy_ness. Get it?  Like nerdiness but with my name. I'm going to track calories through that. Soooo much easier than writing it down on paper.

I did it!  I got up early enough to get to adult swim time before getting ready for work. To be fair I really only got out of bed because they were clearing snow/ice from in front of my apartment and I could hear the blades scraping the pavement. There was no way I could sleep through that even though I'd snoozed my way through 20 minutes of alarm clock already.  But who cares why I went. The important thing is that I went. I swam for 25 minutes and the essentially got bored. Lap swimming is boring without a buddy. I didn't swim the whole time. I ran the shallow end then swam the deep end.

Tonight was opening night of The Importance of being Earnest. It didn't go horribly!!! There was something in my eye the whole time.... but I managed to fight it. I got a lot of positive feedback. My friend Julian said he didn't even recognize me, and his dad said he kept wanting to see more of me! Hoorah! I'm awesome. Right. .... Still waiting for a call to interview for one of the open jobs for next year..... People have been called and interviewed already. For Fuck Sakes. I'm a fantastic teacher. Everyone tells me so. EA's are always super impressed. Teachers request me all the time. WTF. How do I get a fucking job in this town? 

.... moment of rage over. Hoping to see another decline on the scale tomorrow morning. 10 days until I meet the whole fam jam for Easter dinner. I can do this.

Tuesday but it feels like Thursday.

217 this morning. I want to die. I have just under 2 weeks before I meet Mike's whole family, or most of them. Cake was just a taster. Haha. That was punny. 

What did I eat today? I'm gonna be honest. This is the only way I can seem to keep on track, by telling my dirtiest secret. No calorie numbers today. I'm going to get back on that bandwagon once ive got a handle on the ridiculous binging I've been doing . I'm friggin disappointed in myself. I NEED to drop at least 5 pounds, preferably 10 before I go for Easter dinner...... It's so fricken cold out all the time. I just want to cuddle up and eat food in the 2 hours of time I have to myself. :( And I often do, as that number at the top of this post shows. And my biggest downfall is binging late at night. Like WTF. How do I keep letting this number creep back up??? I bought so many fresh fruits and veggies, but all I want to eat is carbs... and fat. Like bread, and crackers and cheese on everything. Chicago is in 3 weeks and I haven't slimmed down at all. So much for showing them all how hot I'd be by then....

B - Blueberry muffin and a coffee (this once a week muffin habit has turned into a daily occurrence. THIS NEEDS TO STOP)
L - Roasted tomato and red pepper soup. With goldfish and a few of those low fat babybel thrown in.
S - tuna meltish thing. Tuna and smoked gouda and celery and shredded carrots with a dab of mayo. Zapped for melty goodness and eaten with rice cakes.
Snack after my dress rehearsal -apple, baby mandarin orange and peppermint tea with honey.

I will not consume any more than that today. I will retain control over what goes into my mouth. This is hard. I have good intentions of going to public swim before work tomorrow.... so at like 6:30 in the morning. But the very thought of getting up that early and being on and going until the play ends at like 9:45 tomorrow night is exhausting. But I really don't have any other time to go workout at all. There is adult swim at lunch but I agreed to take someone's bus duty and if I went for a swim I wouldn't have time to eat and that would make tomorrow night very long. We'll see. I will set my alarm for early enough to make a protein shake and get ready to go. If I'm there when they open at 6:30 and I swim for half an hour I will burn 344 calories. And after a swim and coming home i'd still be up earlier than I normally am for work, and more invigorated. I remember when I used to run before class in University. My days were just as long as they are now (though  I had WAY more free time) but I felt so much better instead of this stupid sluggish feeling I have all the time.

Alright, it's 10:55. And my tummy is grumbling (shut up down there!!!) so I'd better go to sleep before I'm tempted to eat. 

Wish me luck with the early wake up......

|XO|X|O Nessa

self sabotage

(I'm typing this on a prep.... bad teacher me)
This is how last week went in my life.... So wednesday I was 212.5, thursday I was 211.3 !! But guess who self sabotages every time I hit decent progress?  If you guessed me you'd be correct. I binged. And then I binged some more.... and ya wanna know what I did all weekend? Binged some more. At least my face is slimming down if nothing else is. Frig. The camera on my phone must have a crush on me, because all the pictures I take with it are super flattering.

I was doing so well. And then I saw a loss of significance and buggered it all up. I have a food baby, and not a 12 week bum baby... like a 6 month food baby... bleh. At least I had the chance to go lap swimming on Friday. My shoulders hurt soooooooooooo bad the next couple of days. This week will be better. Not workout wise, because I have rehearsal EVERY FRICKEN NIGHT oh and the Oscar Wilde play I'm in is on Wednesday and Thursday night. The performance.... last week 2 of the leads still didn't know their lines. ... the 2 leads who aren't also in Chicago. I could see if some of those people didn't have everything down, since they've been so busy. But one of these people is in high school, and even when you're super busy in high school, you're still not that busy. I'm working 2 jobs, in a play, in a musical and secretary for our small town fair. . . and I know my lines. Oh and I'm dating, and going to DnD every Sunday. If I can do all these things, you can learn your lines.

Fudge. Oh well.

RELATIONSHIP STUFF

Soooo things with Mike have gone from blasé and uncertainty and paranoia on my part to officalness. This is how it happened:
 

I've been stressing about how little he's been texting me or talking to me at all lately, especially after his 2 solid weeks of seeing me every nigth, and I was afraid to bring it up, since the last time I did.... he broke up with me like a week later. My friend Shawn (AKA Bowman) was like, if it bothers you, stop procrastinating and do something about it. I was like how do I bring it up??? He was like, "Mike, are we a couple?".... seems simple enough. But here's how my previous experience with my feelings went.... Well, you know how it went with Mike last time. Whenever I brought up feelings with Billy, he'd either lay as far away from me as possible and be silent, or put on his pants and leave. I always bring up important shit in bed.... not because they can't run away then (which clearly they still can), but because that's when things rattle around in my brain. And that's when I'm relaxed enough that they might actually come out of my mouth. So here's the big story:
 

Tuesday: 

Mike's aunt was working at the same school as me, and I saw her in the staff room. She mentioned that they were having cake on Wednesday night for Mike and his sisters birthdays and asked if I was coming... I said he hadn't mentioned it. I told her if I wasn't there to ask where his gf was (even though at this point I was not officially his gf). So after school I texted him and asked what he was up to on Wednesday and if he'd like to go for supper. He said he had a family thing and he had to go to the gym after work. I said, "Oh I know. Your aunt asked if I was coming for cake. I told her probably not. I was hoping to snag you in between gym and cake". He said I'll text you if I have time. Wow. Ouch. So I didn't reply for a while and then he asked what I was up to that night. I had rehearsal. He said text me when you get home and I'll come over. So he comes over and after a while of sitting and hanging out in the living room we go to bed. He's got his arm over me  :) and I fiiiiiiiiiiiiinally get up the courage to say something, after like 20 minutes of me trying to and then just freezing up.
 

Nessa - Mike... are we a couple?
Mike - I don't know
  ---10 minutes of silence---
M - Does it bother you?
N - Obviously it does or I wouldn't have brought it up, and you know it's hard for me to say things
M - I know
  ---another 10 minutes of silence with me staring at the ceiling and rolling over to the wall in an attempt to isolate myself. To his credit, he wouldn't let me. He rubbed my back, and ran his fingers through my hair, and was kissing me the whole time---
M - I enjoy spending time with you
N - Yeah, but you went from texting me every day and wanting to see me every day, to barely texting me.
M - I don't text a lot
N - Well it started out as one thing, and then suddenly you were super boyfriend-y for a couple weeks, and now it seems like you're only interested in spending time with me when Clayton comes around or when you're bored.
M - Where do you get that from? when I'm bored? If I didn't want you around, I wouldn't have asked you to come to play cards with us multiple times.
N - I know, but I just don't like not knowing where I stand.
  ---20 minutes of silence---
M - Do you want to come for cake tomorrow?
N - Only if you actually want me to come. You know if you bring me, they're all going to think I'm your girlfriend right?
M - Everyone already thinks that
N - Oh I know. Your friends have referred to you as my boyfriend. I always say "my what?". I have never once referred to you as my boyfriend.
M - really?
N - Yup. But just because everyone thinks I am, doesn't make it true.
   ---then he pulled me over to him and held me for the rest of the night---

Wednesday:

Mike got up and went to work. He usually leaves my place about 10 minutes before my alarm goes off. He was extra affectionate before he left. Usually he comes and gives me a kiss before he leaves. This morning, he crawled onto the bed and covered my face in kisses.
 

I had no idea how the rest of the day would go. Bowman asked me how it went. I told him. He was like. I 

guess there's your answer, maybe you should go on a break until he knows what he wants. I was like well.... we'll see if he invites me for cake or if he just leaves it. I'll give him until Easter to bring me to meet his family. So all day, I'm a little stressed about it. Ran some errands in the morning, subbed in the afternoon. Pretty much right at 4pm, Mike texted to ask me if I still wanted to go for supper that evening. I replied before you go for cake? (notice the you, not we). He said yeah. I agreed. He picked me up after he was done at the gym. We went fooding. I was polite and delightful even though I felt a little resentful, and a little grumpy. Almost at the end of our meals, and Mike says "so... do you want to come for cake?" I said "You know that's pretty much going to seal the deal right? And you're going to have to keep me around for a little while" and he sighed (jokingly) and said "I guess so". Hardy ha ha. I said I'm only going if you actually want me to come. He said, is there a right answer here? I said, no. Just be honest.He said "come for cake". and so I did. Turns out I already knew half the people there. His aunt, and her kids. Those cousins I've been to the bar with many many times. Then there were the 2 students and their Mum. I already knew them. And his sister, I already knew her too. So I met a couple older aunts and uncles, his Grandparents, and his Mom and Dad. At one point, his aunt Brenda asked if we were coming for Easter dinner. I turned away and pretended I hadn't heard. I mean... lord. We JUST got to casual family get together status.But I heard him say yeah, and then he nudged me with his elbow and was like "Do you want to come to Easter dinner?". Ummmm ... yes!!  Sooo that was Wednesday. After cake, we went to his place and I looked through his Magic cards while he attempted to build me a deck. His room mate came home and we all indulged in nerdy conversation for a bit, before Mike and I made our way back to my place. :) Yay! First BOYFRIEND sleepover!

Thursday I had rehearsal, he had pool. Friday I had a rehearsal that was supposed to go super late, but I got out early, so we attempted to watch a movie at his place (he kissed me when I got there. He's never done that before), but something messed up with his xbox, so we just went back to my place and watched something from netflix then had some good cuddle time. :) Saturday he had plans with his guy friends to watch the fights (UFC), I sang O Canada at the hockey game (and stayed to watch it with Tim) but he texted me before he went to sleep :) Sunday he was also busy, snowmobiling out to a remote cabin to help his friend's stepdad close their wilderness cabin up for the spring. You can only get to it by snow machine or boat, so they close it up for spring and fall. I had game, but he texted me when he got back into town. :) I was busy with my DnD crew.

That brings us to today! Rehearsal of death.... fuuuuuck. Leads still don't know their lines, and that one male lead still needs a prompt for at least half of them! Like WTF! Tomorrow is dress rehearsal and Wed/Thurs are show nights!!! Eeeeesh. I told Mike not to come to this. It's gonna be super shitty.

Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway. Bingey-mc-bingerson here needs to go to bed. Love you all. Especially you Peri. You are so so so so sooooo sweet. Oh. I'll leave you with a couple pics of my bunny!
She's suddenly decided she doesn't hate me lol.
XOXO
Nessa

Got an app for that?

Juuuust so everyone knows I got blogger and a blog reader on my phone! I've caught up on a few posts and I'll continue until I'm all caught up. Sorry if I don't leave a comment but know that I'm reading them all.

Xoxo
Nessa

I'm lazy, so Vlog it is

I'm fat and lazy. I weighed in at 215 this morning. And I felt crappy about it all day. That and today being my Mom's anniversary of her passing. I'm lazy, and this weekend has been ridiculous. So you get 2 eight minute vlogs. Lots of craziness and depression this weekend. But today ended alright with the hockey game, haven't actually stayed at a game since November sometime, usually I just sing O Canada and leave. So here you have it, 2 vlogs and a picture.

Friday morning

212.3 restricting is the only way clearly.

Had my semi-usual coffee and a muffin this morning. Mike actually brought me a cheese buns at my desk. He walked into the clinic and said "here you go . . . bun." I smiled like a fool because he still give me butterflies in my tummy. Then he left through the side door discreetly. I think he was grinning too. I was pretty sure he wasn;t going to do it, but he came through.

I ate like a behemoth at work, but when I got home, only had an apple and some cheese for supper. I wanted to get drunk out of my face, but I'm sad and I'd end up calling Clayton or something retarded like that. Oh. Mike's coming over. good. i need cuddles. in the worst way possible. i'm gonna try really hard not to cry so i don't have to tell him about it.

Love you guys and gals
XOX nessa. Oh. and look at this. My new phone makes me look better than I do in real life

I'm so far behind on my blogs! Aaaaaaaaaaah!! I'm so sorry. My life has been so chaotic.

213.8 this morning. Post poo... TMI i know. :)

I really should change that binge free thing to like 1 day. I didn't binge yesterday. I was so in control of myself. Today? No binge, but a definite loss of control. March is hard. My Mom's anniversary is coming up on Monday, the day after Mike's birthday. He's going to his parents for supper and cake. I wonder if he'll ask me to come with? Are we there yet? At the parent meeting stage. Realistically, I know we are not.

My family wants to come visit me. Ugh. They're awful. I'll blog about them later. right now I'm oh so very tired.

Another week goes by

I have no idea what I weigh, but I'm certain it's awful.

Hello to Tempest. Sorry I didn't acknowledge you in my previous post

I ate like SHIT all week. Monday begins no simple carbs, and calorie counting I think. I don't currently have time to fucking work out :( The Whitney (place where I run for free) only opens at 8 and I work at 9am. I have rehearsals almost every night until 9 or later. This week I'm working in  the clinic until 5:15 all week. Ugh.

I think it's time to start counting calories again. With the amount and what I have been eating (this week and last week excluded) and the amount I was working out, I should have been dropping pounds like a rapper drops a mic. Ah well. control. That will make me happy and proud of myself. And i won't feel so guilty about not going to Aquafit, or lap swim, or running. I haven't gone in a couple weeks anyway, but now I won't feel so shitty about it. And hopefully the number on the scale will fucking change for once!!!!!!!

Mike is more together than I thought. Clearly he is alright with this new schedule of see each other a couple times a week. We pretty much sleep over anytime we hang out now, school night or not. which did not happen the last time we dated. And he has a tooth brush at my place. That definitely did not happen.

I texted him to hang out on Tuesday night, but he went to be early. I told him he should text me this week to hang out sometime. Then I didn't text him at all after that. Let's go back to the place where he wants to hang out with me. He texted me Wednesday night just to ask how i was and say good night :). Clayton also texted me. I ended up talking with him on the phone, and told him I'm still seeing someone. He asked if I'd forgiven him. I said "for which part?". Thursday Mike asked if I wanted to hang out after pool league. So he came over. And we cuddled, and snuggled and ahem, the usual. He kissed me goodbye and we had a quick cuddle before he had to leave for work :) Checked my "stalker app" as Mike likes to call it.(the one i use to block Clayton's number) there were like 7 missed calls from Clayton. I texted him to ask if he was alright, he said he was just trying to get laid..... I said not cool.

Friday night was Trivia night. The team ended up not being 3 couples as it was originally planned. We pre-gamed at Mike's then walked over to the hall. As soon as the quiz was done, Mike and I walked for beer, and then we went back to his place and a bunch of us played Kinect games! Sweet lol. Came back to my place for bed time, but Mike's room mate was trying to convince us to stay there.... I dunno why lol. (another 10 missed calls from Clayton). Woke up Saturday morning, all grins and cuddles and kisses :) Mmmmmm. Almost ready to call him my boyfriend.

Saturday was busy, I took Hollee for lunch for her birthday and then came home, tidied up. Texted Clayton, asked if he was calling to get laid again, he said yup. I said you really need to stop that. He said "o ok" like fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. loll. went over to Tim and Hollee's for some games in the evening. Came home, went to sleep. sunday I had rehearsal for Chicago, then game. And that's it. Oh I gave Mike  a mission for this week, since I'm at the clinic all week. He said he would get me a cheese bun like 2 weeks ago, and never did. I told him "Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to procure me a cheese bun this week". lol. He agreed. Sa-weet. Also a good idea on the week i plan on getting serious about what goes into my mouth again. Gah. Ah well.

This week is another busy one :( No rehearsal tonight or on Wednesday. But every other night I'm stupid busy. I did this to myself lol. But it's ok. It will be a relief when it's all over. And if I start restricting now, I should be down at least 10 pounds by the time Chicago is on stage.

Why is it so much harder to lose weight this time? Last time, it practically fell off me. Hmmm.Things to ponder on this lovely Monday morning.

Love you all. Hope you're doing well.
XOXO Nessa