now i'm afraid.. to eat

I haven't eaten since last night... like 6 nickel candies (which Billy hand fed me... I wasn't going to have any) and a diet coke.... strange thing is. I'm not hungry at all. I missed this feeling. And now I'm afraid that if I eat I'll ruin it... I am 191.2 right now. I just took off all my clothes (except my socks and undies. cuz i'm lazy) I am a better teacher when I'm not weighed down by food. That sounds silly doesn't it. But really. My brain may forget things in my office, but my teaching is much better. more bang on. more in the moment. more fun for the kids. and i'm less grumpy haha. Ok. for lunch. .... I'm going to have a pile of spinach with some low fat/low cal dressing... baby steps...or i guess i could turn this into a fast? naw. I don't want to black out at school. That's never fun. Alright.. I had a giant margerine container of spinach with 3 tablespoons of dressing (75 cal) and an apple. ... I'm finishing it off with a diet coke. I feel full... well satiated. And gradually I will move back to my safe numbers. I will not eat again until 6:30... and then it will be a controlled portion. Maybe a boiled egg and some toast. ... unless Billy suggests eating together. Last night I took him out for steak dinner... cuz i'm cool like that. I am clearly the best (if not smallest) gf evar.


Give me strength... XOXO <3

Such a freak

191.0 this morning after days of waking up at 192.3.... FINALLY FUCK!!!! I just want to be slim and attractive. I deserve it and Billy deserves it.

OMG I'm totally going to sabotage this relationship :( Friday I was out of town for a PD Day, and I took the night bus back. Billy picked me up at 7:15 (he is not a morning person) and did it with a smile on his face. I, being the awesome gf I am, gave him a bj that morning when we went back to his place to have a snuggle before he had to get up for work. After said bj, he said "Wow, I should pick you up from the bus more often... But then you'd have to go away, so never mind". *swoon* Then I didn't get to see him the rest of Saturday because he worked and then went to his friends to finish tiling the bathroom, and then it was "boys night". There was a kinsmen social (a men's club, so no ladies lol) and then he went to the bar (last I heard of events transpiring). Ok. Fine. I can handle a night on my own, though I wish I had also gone out... but I was recovering from the effects of the gravol I took on the bus to make me sleepy, so I went to bed at 10:30, a little miffed (irrational I know..). I woke up at like 7:30... got up. Started my day. Now here's where I fucking panic..... 11:10, I text him asking if he's up. Ok. Normally if we've been out to the bar and come home around 3 or 4 our first wake up happens at 11ish, which I realize now is mostly courtesy of me not being able to sleep very well... So no response from 11 o'clock text. 1pm... I send another, are you awake? No response. Ok. Now I'm starting to worry a little and some pretty silly things are going through my head, like maybe he went home with someone ... or brought someone home and is ashamed and is ignoring me. So 3 o'clock rolls around and I'm on my way to band... and there's a strange car I've never seen in his driveway. Well his mom is out of town until Tuesday and his dad is working out of town right now, so I of course assume the worst. I'm on the verge of crying and having a mental break down... I'm thinking a girl must have convinced him to take her home with him and now she's there and he is fucking her...... What a paranoid idiot I am. But he's pretty suggestible when he's drunk. So I phone him, and my voice is shaking and he doesn't answer. So I assume he's avoiding my call and my suspicions are confirmed... fuck me. Then he texts me "sorry I missed your call" and I say It's ok, I just wanted to make sure you were ok. He said yup... just woke up (my phone call woke him up). I ask about the car, he has no idea what I'm talking about... We go for dinner and everything is instantly better. Turns out he went partying with his brother after the bar until like 8am. Then he went to sleep... and slept until 3. Strange car? He has no idea about the one I saw, but his Dad did come into town with someone else's vehicle because the truck uses a lot of gas. So that explains that one.

What did we do about it? Went for dinner, steak, I insisted, my treat. Because he's too awesome to not reward. Went to his place. His Dad left, we had hot sex. Tried to stream a movie online, which never works when I'm there for whatever reason (I am the destroyer of internets!) Everytime it stopped he'd roll over and get all snuggly. The first time he even said "that's ok. Now I get to snuggle you". Gah. This boy. I was kissing him all over and he said "I love your kisses" and I just smiled and mentally froze (deer in headlights much)... and said something like "good. :) I like to give them to you". but what I really should have said was that I love to give them to him... or that I flat out love him. I do. I really do. This is different. There isn't that strong sense of love that is so overwhelming it hurts to think about it, that I had with Gerard, but it's there. It's a dependable, sweet, romantic love. Yup. I love him. But I'm so unhappy with my body I'm afraid my boyfriend will leave me for someone hotter..... and smaller. Even though he thinks I'm incredibly sexy... Just thinking about me and him together turns him on. But I must get smaller... for him and for me.So that's me being relationship retarded.....


Thank you ladies for all the supportive comments about my Dad. You're right, it's not confirmed yet. And even if/when it does get confirmed, there really isn't anything I can do about it. :( But it will be ok. Everything will be ok.

ALSO.... Cupcake Quandry, Peridot, Mich, and Rio!! Ya'll need to email me (wordsfromanaspiringhuman@gmail.com) your addresses so I can mail out your notebooks...

Ok. Peace out for now. Happy Monday ladies. XOXO

(null)

So my dad might have cancer. I am not ready to go through this again.

Weiners..I mean winners!

Cupcake Quandry, Peridot, Mich, and Rio!! Ya'll need to email me (wordsfromanaspiringhuman@gmail.com) your addresses so I can provide you with notebooks :)

I didn't binge!! and GIVEAWAY reminder!

Hey ladies. :) I didn't eat last night. I didn't eat until 1:30 today. I'll have a small meal before the social I'm going to, and then I'm going to have to try VERY hard to not eat all the food at the social. I'm dressing up in a kimono (part of the social and mini scavenger hunt). I wish I were less fat and less pimply.

Right now it's time for some tea! While I construct a perogy pizza for my beau I need to remind you... COMMENT ON MY POSTS FROM THIS WEEK AND I'LL ENTER YOU IN A GIVE-AWAY!
  remember those 4 little journals? Well, if you comment before tomorrow evening (Central Standard Time) you could get one in the mail! :) Who doesn't like give-aways?

XOXO <3

And I leave you with a picture of Billy and I... the first picture of us together. :) I love having pictures with my boyfriends but I always feel weird taking them myself, but it makes me sad that we've been to so many parties together and there isn't a lot of photographic evidence that we're together. Ah well. we're good together so i guess it doesn't really matter. :P ... but it's still nice lol.

My uncle doing dishes with Billy... see. He really does do dishes!

And here's us :) hahahah. He's so cute.

trying not to binge

There are so many delicious foods in my house right now that i could be eating..... and i'm not eating any of them. So hard to just not do it. But will it be worth it later? No. I'm still bouncing back and forth between 187-194... I know that's a big window. I need to break the barrier. Time to get serious about shit. Why is it so hard to not eat at night?? I will make it tonight... One night at a time.

Monday morning...well it's my Monday anyway

189.9...... at least it's not 190. Two posts in one week?! I know right? I'm horrible at this... trying to get better though. It's so much easier to stay on track when I'm posting and thinking of you girls. :D And that's after turkey dinner, and big breakfast and lunch the next day.


I am feeling so much better. I went to Billy's and climbed into his bed while he was in the shower. Cried a little, thought I got it out of my system, but then when I pulled him in for a snuggle I just couldn't stop the tears from coming. He was super sweet about it though. He just rubbed my back and told me to be happy because we're going to have a great weekend. :) That normally would just piss me off but I felt better afterwards. Hmm. Curious.


So we drove out to Moose Lake and it was delightful. We played crib and slept on the floor and snuggled whilst sleeping on the floor (I still have yet to aquire an air pump for my air mattress). Had thanksgiving dinner... I tried to eat just enough that nobody would be suspicious. Monday morning we had pancakes and bacon... I didn't do that well here, but I ate consciously and that seems to help. Billy and I went to the park a couple of times. We played with my little cousin. Billy loves him, it's adorable. I should have taken video of them playing. Drove home last night and I was super excited because my period was seemingly over... We watched an episode of Fringe and snuggle and snacked... should not have snacked. oh well.... but of course we have sex and it's like I still have my period, just really really light. Thank god that doesn't gross him out.. or maybe it does. He just got into the shower all nonchalant. Didn't even turn on the light in the bathroom lol. I knew I should have waited a couple more days... but not having sex for like 2 weeks (or more) is really hard... lol.

A kinda weird thing happened while we were laying on my aunt and uncles floor. He always bugs me about farting. Not because I do it, but because I won't do it in front of him. He was telling me he was going to dutch oven me and I told him if he ever did that I would get him back so badly. He said, "I'm going to say I love you and you'll fart in return? That will be the next step in our relationship. That's true love". I froze and plastered on a smile. Love? I'm freaking out about it. Pretty sure his feelings for me very much echo my feelings for him. So he must also be feeling slightly (not really that much) panicky about it.He had his hand on my leg the whole way home and sang in my car, so he's definitely comfortable around me. <3

This morning I woke up in my apartment. Alone, which isn't really new. I'm pretty sure Billy wanted to sleep over last night, he was really adamant that he wished he didn't live alone with his mom. She's still recovering from her hysterectomy, so he has to be home in the morning to let the big dog out for her, and at night to bring her in. Ah well. We'll live. But I had this strange feeling, like a bit of lingering "oh my god. I'm really on my own" from when I broke up with Greg. I need to purge him from my brain. He still comes up in conversation every once in a while, sometimes more than I'd like. I just want to be done with him. I wish we could just be civil and friendly toward each other... but that probably won't happen. :(

Anywho, I hope all you Canadians had a good Thanksgiving and everyone else had a great weekend! I feel much better after spending the weekend with my sweet heart. And now it's Tuesday and I only have 4 days of school this week! Woop woop.

DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT... I'M GOING TO PICK 4 PEOPLE ON SUNDAY TO MAIL THOSE NOTEBOOKS TO.  :D I think I might just pick from all the comments this week, since apparently I'm posting more often lol.

Why am i so sad? (and a GIVEAWAY)

Thanksgiving Sunday... why am I sad?

I promised Billy he could sleep in before we go out to Moose Lake today.... He had to sleep at his house last night because his mom is still recovering from surgery and can't let the big dog in and out on her own. So I went to bed bummed out. ... For the last month of Sundays (and then some) he's been sleeping at my house Saturday nights, or I've been at his house, so I've gotten a good fill of snuggles in. Last night no snuggles. This morning no snuggles. I'm all hormonal at the end of the second week of my period, and I'm sad because it's a holiday and holidays make me miss my Mommy. :( *sigh* I can't sleep in on my own unless I'm sick and I'm not really sick anymore. I got up at 8:30... made the cranberry sauce for supper tonight. went to his house. he was sleeping and his mom was gone to church already, so the house was all locked up. I do not have a key, so i went to mcdonalds to get us coffee. Now i'm back at my house crying. Coffee is in the car... I didn't bother to tell him I'm sad. I don't want to suck him down into it with me. I just don't know.. i feel so down. Part of me is sad because I don't know how Billy feels about me. I mean I know he likes me, but I like him a lot a lot... and his family likes me (not that I would ever let that have any bearing on how he feels for me. You don't date someones family. It's really just a huge bonus if you all get along). I just wish he would tell me something, anything. I want him to call me beautiful like he did every morning while i was away. I know that him taking me out means he wants to spend time with me and wants to be out with me, but I dunno. I'm so boy dumb, I suck at this game. This is the point where if I didn't know any better and hadn't talked with his mom about him and he hadn't told me he sabotages good relationships, I would just end it, so I didn't have to feel so emotionally stranded. PLEASE NOTE: this is not his fault. This is me hiding my feelings from him. bad me. I am purposely not telling him how much I like him, or that I'm pretty much in love with him because i can't handle the rejection that could come with that. :( I'll feel better in half an hour when I go over and get some snuggles in before we hit the road.


Weight wise, I'm doing alright. Two days ago I was 193. Yesterday I was 191 and this morning I was 188.5! Hooray! I've been MEGA restricting. Last night Billy wanted to take me out for dinner. So we went out. I had 2/3 of a chicken burger and a tossed salad without any dressing on it. Other than that, I'd had 1 of my mini pies that I made to take for dinner and a bunch of black coffee. I'll post a picture of them at the end of this post. This morning I will lie and say I've eaten already and drink the coffee that's getting cold in my car.I didn't even eat when I got home. We went to a hockey game after supper, and then to his friend's place where he was helping tile a bathroom. I had one vodka and diet coke. So I technically haven't eaten since 7:30 last night. Inadvertent 16 hour fast... so far. I'm not sure when I'll eat next. I just don't want to. My tummy is grumbling but I'm telling it to go fuck itself. Stupid holidays. Stupid everyone getting to see their families. Stupid everyone being happy and having a mother and shit. :( Fuck. That's really all it is. I miss my mom, and I miss her terribly. :( :( I know she'd be proud of my life but she's not here and it makes me so ridiculously sad. (I'm still crying). I talked to my dad on the phone on Thursday and he's so angry all the time. It's really hard for me to be around angry people and not feel resentful and I'm trying so hard to stay positive here. He wants to come visit and I almost don't want him to. That's horrible. He's just so mopey. And I know it's his way of dealing with not having his wife anymore, but it affects me too... and I need to take care of myself. *sigh* whatever. We'll see what happens.

Sorry this post is so sad and depressing. I've fallen behind reading your blogs again but i have a feeling i'll get all caught up on monday. It's as if my brain has been avoiding the things that will trigger my control, and now i'm ready to be in control again.

So to celebrate that, and the fact that I have 50 BEAUTIFUL followers, I'm going to do a giveaway!!! Up for grabs are one of these 4 little notebooks (see above). :) They're beautiful, just like you :) All you need to do to enter is comment on this post. It doesn't even have to be about this post in any way. You could literally scroll down and write " . " and I'd give it to you. By next Sunday I'll put all you into some kind of hat draw system and post the winners. Then you'll have to send me your addresses, so ya know, I can send you the goods.

These are my mini pumpkin pies. :) They're in muffin tins.

Alright. Time for me to show up at the bf's house. Love you all. xoxo. Good luck this weekend.

Pre-party insecurities

My god I'm insecure.... fuck. Here's a vlog. I'm too lazy to type... I should force myself to type. It would burn more calories..... fml.