vlog... or not

hahahah. I made a vlog... and then it wouldn't let me stop recording... so it no longer exists. I'll do another tomorrow probably. Right now my room mate probably thinks I'm crazy enough as is talking to nobody. :)

So it cut out at the end because youtube is a bitch like that. But anyway, I was 187.9 on Monday morning.. so i went jogging on tuesday, and did pilates on wednesday morning, and i will be jogging again today after my rehearsal is over. Right now, I am 184.2 and i need to take a poo, so that will change. I did end up eating 1 baby sized pancake and 1 sausage link this morning. Then I had 1/2 a sandwich and salad and celery at the lunch/"tea" as well as 1 glass of white wine. For dinner I had a slimfast shake. I don't know what my total is, but the 400-600 calories I will burn jogging and then walking tonight should keep it a happy number. Also I walked to the car dealership to get my car, and I'm considering walking to the fireworks, depending on how tired I am from jogging i guess. 

Ok, here are my ridiculously flattering pictures from my phone, which I did not send to muscles because they weren't really fitting of the.. umm, er... mood:

This one is as close to a progress picture as I have right now. I took it last night... to text to someone hahahhaha.I also included a really nice picture of my boobs... with a bra on lol. 

Three guesses to figure out what he sent me a picture of? Of course, it was his dick... which normally I would find tacky... but I have to admit, it is a niiiiiiiiiiice penis! Sizeable even though it was soft.. in fact, from what I could tell in the picture, it's a comparable size to Greg's... when he was hard. And i know for damn sure that when Muscles is hard it's a fairly obvious thing. Oh god, this is going to be fucking awesome. The explicit nature of last nights texting was such a thrill. I cannot wait for all of these things to happen... Like a weekend of hott seks? YES PLEASE! Now all I need is for my period to go the fuck away... or go the fuck to sleep if you prefer hahaha.

In other news, Greg phoned me this morning. He didn't think I would answer because he thought I would be teaching... so it was kind of awkward. I mean he asks how I'm feeling and I have to be honest and say that I'm feeling pretty good. We talked for a few minutes about his summer plans. He's still going to Thunder Bay for the SCA event there, and then he told me he was going to Folk Fest... yup. The thing I'm not going to because at the time arranging travel and such was going to be stupidly difficult. The thing that he wasn't going to because he didn't have enough initiative to follow up on his volunteer status... The festival gave him my position.... so now he's going, to the thing I so desperately wanted to go to with him. The festival that has been such a huge part of my life every year until this one. Fucking hell. anywho, he said something about wanting this whole apartment thing to just be done with  and i told him that there wasn't very much I could do about it from up here and may have called him babe. Then he said "I have to go" in a hurried tone. The same tone he used on me when I broke his heart.

Anyway.... no more of that.

Time to go running! I need to be 177 by the time Muscles comes for our sexy sleepover. Week 1... Day 2... Take 3! Here we go!!! I'm going to try to remember to make a video of the fireworks tonight :) Oh oh oh, before I forget, I signed up for a spot with a piercing artist who will be here for the Canada Day celebrations! But I am not sure what to get pierced?! Here are my selections:

A - Tragus

B - Daith

C - Pinna/Helix (I had this done once but it's been closed for a while)

D - Rook

E - Industrial

I mean I could get  a nipple done, or anything else for that matter... but I'm not really into body piercings. I like to keep them all on my face. (Though I did consider getting the back of my neck pierced once). 

Anywho, I'm off to jog. Please continue scrolling for pictures of my car and the darling chair I bought for my room :)

What's done is done.

After a lengthy phone conversation it is over. It wound it's way that way, and finally he started to hear what I was saying. I right off the hop I said I couldn't tell if I was saying I wanted to try because I actually wanted to or if I was doing it to make him happy. It took another 30 minutes of conversation for us to get around the bush to the part where I said "I just don't want to be with you when we're not talking, and then when we do talk I still am not completely convinced that I want to be with you" and he said "well we can't have that in a relationship. That can't work, maybe you should just end it" and I said "well that's it then".... he promptly responded "I have to go" and then it was quiet for a full minute and I reminded him that we would need to separate our things at the apartment, and asked him if he would like me to email when i knew what days i'd be back in the city. He agreed, then another silent minute and he said "bye" and I said bye and hung up before anything could  happen to convince me to go back on my word.

So that's it. He said he couldn't help but feel like the last 4 years was a joke and a lie. It wasn't. I know that.  I was his first girlfriend. I hope he can find someone who can love him for everything he is, and everything he isn't. I know he will, and he will love her so much, and not take her for granted because he lost one love already.

He asked if we would ever be together again, and I told him I didn't know. All I knew is that I want to be single and not tied down right now so I can focus on my work, and not have to worry about anyone else. I said who knows what may happen in the future. Maybe in 6 months you'll call me and tell me you've been thinking things through. Maybe at the end of next year I'll come to some kind of realization, or you'll want to talk to me. I have no idea, but right now it's done.

Time for me to go to bed, but I wanted to update, for anyone who is following. It is officially over. I know I've made the right decision, but it still breaks my heart. The tears flow like summer rain; beginning in their own time and drying up as quickly as they came. I am alone, for the first time in a very long time. :(

I think I have an answer

Sorry for the bajillion posts today.... It came to me in the car as I was driving. I can't be sure I'm making this compromise because I actually want to, or because I'm afraid to hurt him. I think for this to be realistic, it needs to be a flat out break up. Going on a break until a certain time... seems pointless. I think this is what I need to tell him. God this is going to be hard. Luckily he doesn't get phone time very often.

oh god

am i making the right decision?


I'm going to ruin him.... and i'm sitting here crying alone..... what the fuck is wrong with me. fuck what do i do...........

what am i doing?

Alright. So I talked to Greg yesterday, and while we were talking I was realizing that most of me doesn't want to try to work things out. I kinda just want a fresh start. I'm not really physically attracted to him anymore..... like when he was kissing me last weekend i got this pit feeling in my stomach. In fact I told him on the phone yesterday that no part of me wanted to work things out until he started crying, because it's true. I was so adamant and dead set on breaking things off .... but then the crying happened and I was immediately trying to soothe him, suggesting a break instead. I just didn't want to see him so upset by something I was doing to him. Urgh. I am physically turned off by him. I mean I still love him as a person... but it's not the romantic love it once was. How did this happen? Did I just want to be in a relationship so badly, and feel loved so completely that I just took whatever came my way?  Why is this sooooo hard??????? I told him on the phone yesterday that I was finding it hard not to be persuaded by him and I knew that it could happen. I also told him that i hadn't thought about working things out at all as an option until he started crying. I told him I just didn't see how things would be different now. If you couldn't apologize for hurting my feelings when I was crying and even discussing it logically with you before, what is going to change now?

I had a great conversation with my friend since childhood :

[1:17:14 PM] V: yeah. The original plan was to just break up
[1:17:22 PM] M: lol that's true
[1:17:25 PM] V: then he cried and the back up plan was put in place
[1:17:39 PM] V: to stop the crying... and make my heart stop feeling awful
[1:18:25 PM] M: well then I think in this case you should choose to do the thing that is most fair to the both of you
[1:18:53 PM] M because either way, someone is going to be hurt, but there are some things that are easier to heal from than others.
[1:20:23 PM] V: it's true
[1:20:28 PM] V: but what should i dooooooo
[1:20:54 PM] V: the most fair thing would be to say that i don't want to work on this. i want to be single and focus on my career.
[1:21:36 PM] V: but it's soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard
[1:21:49 PM] V: and he just wants to try so badly
[1:22:02 PM] V: but how do i tell him i'm just not feeling it.
[1:23:11 PM] M: or conversly, how do you lie and tell him you are, only to have to cross this bridge again... because it will happen and it will be worse then.
[1:23:57 PM] V: but it would be easier. :( and hurt him less right now
[1:24:36 PM] V: also if we break up i don't think he's one of those guys that would want to still be friends. and i don't want to never talk to him again
[1:25:30 PM] M: that is always a risk,
[1:26:19 PM] V: ugh. how selfish of me
[1:27:19 PM] M: it just comes back to being fair to yourself and to him
[1:28:55 PM] M: it wouldn,t be fair for you to stay in a relation ship that you are not into only because he is suconciously guilting you with tears, and it is not fair for him to think that he is in a realationship that has no substance or future or recriprication.
[1:30:28 PM] M: *subconsciously
[1:32:03 PM] V: mm\
[1:32:06 PM] V: gah
[1:32:07 PM] V: i know
[1:32:23 PM] V: yesterday he cried on the phone and he asked me if i were crying... and i was yawning
[1:32:46 PM] V: not out of boredom, but because i still can't breathe in all the way (stress im pretty sure)
[1:33:42 PM] M: did you tell him you were yawning?
[1:33:49 PM] V: yes
[1:33:57 PM] V: ...
[1:34:04 PM] M: nah, that's good
[1:34:18 PM] M: well, I think I agree with your brain
[1:35:18 PM] M: and the only thing that I can think of to try to convince your heart isn't exactly the most sensitive reason
[1:35:42 PM] V: ?
[1:35:52 PM] M: well,
[1:36:42 PM] M: the sooner you break it off with him the sooner he can start and finish his grieving and get on with his life and maybe find someone who does return his feelings (... I told you it wasn't all that sensitive)
[1:39:46 PM] V: i know
[1:39:57 PM] V: it's so logical

I'll tell you what's going to change... I'm going to stick up for myself... eventually. And get all my shit together (weight wise). Be single. Sleep with muscles (whom i've texted a few times now ;)  ). Enjoy my summer off. Have nice things in my apartment.

Here's the plan. Starting Monday (because there's a book club thingy on Sunday *sigh*.
Slimfast for 3 days - Using their actual plan of 2 shakes (245 calories each) and one meal. With the exception that the one meal probably won't be the 500 calories they suggest... and I won't be eating 3-4 100 calorie snacks.

Monday:
Emergen-C first thing (pump up those nutrients) (25)
Oatmeal at school (120)  breakfast
Black coffee during the day
celery (20)/an apple (80) for recess snack
Slim fast for lunch (245)
Recess snack = whichever I didn't eat at first recess (celery or apple)
Slim fast for dinner (245)
Total? - 735 SAFE number. Tuesday will be a little different because there's a staff lunch. Ugh god. Why did i sign up for it?

I need some fucking control. No more eating supper out at a restaurant. No more subway. If I go into a restaurant I order a large diet coke. THAT IS ALLLLLL. (black coffee is also acceptable) At least I'm holding steady at 184. I haven't jogged in 2 weeks. I would start tomorrow, but I really need the symmetry starting on a monday affords me. Next week i will start C25K AGAIN. Third time in a 2 month periods the charm right?

This is me at the party last weekend at 177. :D Sorry it's dark. Look how happy I am catching up with Dave. Lisa was being a little freaky at the time, so the smile's a bit forced, but seriously. I'm not even trying to pop out my collar bones. :)

I need some control. I need more words of wisdom from all of you. :) I know I need to tell Greg the deal, but I need to find a good way to say it that is definite and final. Do I tell him my stomach turned when he tried to be intimate with me? Do I tell him I have a bad feeling and I need to go with my gut? The last time I initiated a break up was in high school. I'm so not cut out for this.

Sorry for being so consistantly needy lately :(

I love you dollies.
Pictures brought to you by the beautiful outdoors. :) NSFW though.... there's a nip slip in one of them.

Almost a week later

Hi all. Especially Snave 87 :) No need to be worried. I've just been wrapped up in report cards and other end of the year activities.

So the break up went alright. Greg was super shocked, he had no idea about the lying, or a lot of my other feelings (to be fair part of the problem was my lying). He asked me to stay with him on the Friday night, and so I did. Neither of us could sleep, but whenever he thought  I was sleeping, he'd stroke my cheek or kiss my face. Saturday morning, was a different story. We spent a good chunk of the night just lying in each others arms, I couldn't deny him that, he was so incredibly sad. I was also sad, cuz ya know, we've spent a lot of time together. .... Saturday morning the topic of my ring came up and he broke down. ... like sobbing uncontrollably, and saying things like he was only doing this farming internship because it's what he thought I wanted and that he wished he'd known what he was doing had been so hurtful to me. I've honestly never heard a grown man cry like that.... and then we reached a compromise. We decided that we will be on a break until school is done and I come back to Winnipeg in July sometime. We're both making lists of things we need in a relationship for it to work, at my insistence. He is of the mindset that he'll just live for whatever I need, but that's so unrealistic.

Anyway, the week leading up to that, I lost a good 10 pounds. I was down to 177 on the Saturday morning. Then I binged every day after that, hagen das, mcdonalds, chips, if you named it, it probably went into my mouth. ... I gained 6 pounds back erg.

So now I have an out to sleep with someone else, and now I don't really have the urge like i did before, but I made it a condition of our separation in case I fuck up, then it's not hanging over my head.... I texted muscles last night after a few beers... he seemed surprised to hear from me. Ok, once I'd had a few drinks in me I was down to fuck....We talked about how hot he thought my butt was (that's never happened to me lol. My butt used to be flat as a board... now it at least has some curve to it) and how distracting I found his body to be in my mind. I am 90% sure he would come down here for some fun time, but he's going to country fest next week, and after that I'm going to Folk Fest and then meeting up with Greg to figure shit out. I am also 90% sure that I will take Greg back..... I'm just that kind of girl. So if I'm going to experience sleeping with someone.... it needs to be asap. but i don't want to sleep with someone I don't know, which is why muscles was such a good candidate.  Maybe I'll text him for a sleepover on Saturday? I guess I could go out there? 5 hour drive for a possible lay? (I have my period.... ugh) no thanks. lol. I'm really curious as to how sex with someone else is. I have an idea in my mind, of sweaty lust among other things. oh well. if it happens it happens, and if it doesn't it doesn't.  Why am I so afraid to be completely alone?

Anyway, that's that story. In other news I finished 17 classes of report cards... which means I only have 10 left to go! But I'm sooooooo tired right now I just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep... and it's only 6:30. oi vey.

Maybe I can get a couple more classes done tonight yet.... *sigh* soooo melancholy.
In honour of my newly discovered butt... I give you more bums, more attractive than my bum lol

This is the little babbling brook on the nature trail. I haven't gone running at all this week.

I woke up at 180.4 (179.4 post poo) this morning even though i drank last night. .My calories were still in my safe zone so i feel pretty darn good. If i suck in my ribs stick out under my boobs and my hip bones hurt from digging into the mattress.

I talked to greg's sister last night. I just don't want him to be freaking out and have nobody to talk to. That and i am starting to go nutso over here, carrying it around all week. She totally understood. I cried after talking to her for the first time since i made my decision. I will definitely miss the family on this one. Especially his mom.

anywho, off to school for me. Better post later.
xoxo nessa (from my phone)

Food. No thanks

[Child of Apathy], Moonlight Misstress, little rock (hello by the way <3), Snave87, Elle, and Rio I cannot tell you how much your support means to me right now. Thank you so much for understanding and just being there. That goes for everyone else who is reading also. I see the stats (i finally remembered you can do that)

So My dad phoned me last night to offer me his car instead of me needing to buy a new one. Just until July when I come back for 2 weeks. He's being super supportive, which is nice because sometimes we don't get along very well. He said "Nesser (that's actually his nick name for me <3), do yourself and me a favour and don't cry when you do it." I told him I didn't think would.

Food wise... this has been stressful but good. Barely ate Sunday (like maaybe 200cal), Monday was board game night, I had two paralyzers and one slice of pizza. Tuesday was a wine tasting, had some ryvetta crackers (but the low fat/cal knock off brand) and low fat cheese. I was the only person who didn't chug all the wine in the glasses. In fact all of my glasses (save 2 of the 12) had most of their wine in them. Today... well I ate at McDonalds. My fucking stomach is killing me. I can feel my heart pumping harder. GROSS.  I had a 20 calorie gatorade and coffee all day. And then I decided I should eat something. I was going to go to Subway but the light didn't change for 5 minutes straight. The walk sign would go to the hand... then just change back to walk. So i turned the other way and ate 820 calories in one fell swoop. Tomorrow it's back to low numbers. My stomach hurts when I stand, I guess it's not used to having food in it at the moment. When I woke up this morning I was 181.? ... so I lost some weight out of this. Thank fucking god.

In the copy room, one of the other teachers asked me if I was married, because she'd noticed a ring when I was conducting the community band... I told her that things hadn't worked out. She said "well then, you should come to Cuba with us at Christmas". I told her I would save my money. :)

I texted muscles last night. It said:
"Hey, sorry for the weekend of teasing. The next time you are down this way, I'll have to make it up to you"
Response? :
"Ha ha hey thanks i had a great weekend. Thanks for the dance! Yea I will let you know fo sho"

K, I can't believe he said fo sho. But whatevs. When he dropped me off at my car on Sunday he said "thanks for the sleepover". Bahahahahahahaha. cute. *sigh*. I really don't want to break up with Greg. I do, but I don't want to actually have the conversation. I should just not talk to him and let him come to his own conclusions. ... Or mail it in a letter... but I NEED to be the better person. I am the better person.

Pictures will happen eventually... when I'm done report cards. Fuck. I have 500 to do. ouch.

Anyway, less depressing factors. Here's a quizy thing that Kat not Jas posted (kinda makes me feel sluttier than I already feel): Items struck out are things I've done.

1. had sex
2. bought condoms

3. gotten pregnant
4. failed a class
5. kissed a boy
6. kissed a girl
7. used a little paper bag for lunch
8. had a job
9. slipped on ice
10. missed the school bus
11. left the house without my wallet/purse

12. bullied someone on the internet
13. sexted
14. had sex in public
15. played on a sports team
16. smoked weed
17. smoked cigarettes
18. smoked a cigar
19. drank alcohol
20. watched “The Breakfast Club”
21. been overweight
22 been underweight.
23. had an eating disorder
24. been to a wedding
25. made fun of someone for being fat
26. been on the computer for 5 hours straight
27. watched tv for 5 hours straight
28. been late for work
29. been late for school
30. kissed someone in the rain
31. showered with someone else
32. failed my drivers test
33. ran a mile in less than 10 minutes
34. been outside my home country
35. been on a road trip longer than 5 hours
36. gotten my heart broken
37. had a credit card
38. been to a professional sports game
49. broken a bone
40. been unhappy about my weight
41. won a trophy
42. cut myself
43. had an STD
44. got engaged oh the irony on this one
45. been on a diet
46. tried out to be on a tv show
47. rode in a taxi
48. been to prom (we don't have prom here)
49. played in a drinking game
50. stayed up for 24 hours or more
51. been to a concert
52. had a three-some
53. had a crush on someone of the same sex 

54. been in a car accident
55. had braces
56. learned another language
57. killed an animal/bug
58. been at a yard sale
59. been to a japanese steakhouse
60. wore make up
61. talked to someone via webcam
62. lost my virginity before I was 16
63. had my wisdom teeth taken out
64. kissed someone a different race than myself
65. snuck out of the house
66. bought porn
67. had a virus on my computer
68. had oral sex
69. dyed my hair
70. gone skinny dipping
71. graduated from college
72. wore someone else’s clothes
73. voted in a presidential election (only because we don't have that in Canada lol)
74. rode in an ambulance
75. rode in a helicopter
76. caught the stove on fire
77. got in a verbal fight
78. been on vacation
79. been on an airplane
80. been on a boat
81. had surgery.
82. kissed someone before I was 14. 

83. beat a video game
84. found something valuable on the ground
85. made a survey

86. stalked someone on facebook/myspace
87. prank called someone
88. been to a library outside of school
89. spent over $100 shopping in one day
90. cut my hair and hated it
91. peed outside
92. went fishing
93. helped with charity
94. taken a pregnancy test.
95. been rejected by a crush
96. been suspended from school
97. broken a mirror
98. faked sick from school
99. owned a pet
100. been to six flags

It's official, I'm a skank. Or moving in that direction anyway.
Lots of love and stuff.
~Nessa

End of an era

First of all, thank you to Child of Apathy, Moonlight Mistress, and mary for your supportive and encouraging words. 

So yeah. This saga has come to an end. I don't really feel like typing it all out again, so I'm copy pasting the email I sent to my aunt:

I believe I will be breaking up with Greg this weekend. There are just too many things I've let slide that I've previously termed "deal breakers", too many things I need in the relationship that he's not willing to put effort into, too many parts of my life I feel guilty over, or like I need to hide them. On top of that, he refuses to maintain telephone contact and I don't think I can go a whole summer with only letters from the person who is supposed to love me. I told him on the phone on Friday (after a few voice mails, and emails urging him to call me) that I'm not willing to have "one or the other" (letters or phone). Every phone call ends with me in tears and him telling me i'm overreacting and he doesn't want to talk about it, because he's already written whatever it is in the letter. 800km is a substantial distance, and September is a long way away. I don't think he believes that I meant it when I said i wasn't willing to go without phone contact. Too much stubbornness. He feels like I'm telling him what to do when I tell him what I need from this relationship for it to work, and so refuses to "bend to my will" in some strange form of rebellion. There's just no us. No decisions made together. It usually ends up being his way or my way. When I offer a compromise, he just isn't willing to not have things 100% his ideal.  

So many parts of our envisioned future no longer line up. I don't want to live in a self sufficient community without running water or electricity. I want to have a car and not have him pressure me into feeling guilty for it, regardless of what fuel method it takes. I want to be able to buy myself something without facing an interrogation and disapproving looks when I get home... I'm tired of hiding receipts and hiding clothes. Damnit, when my jeans rip I want to buy a second pair of quality pants without having to justify it to him. I shouldn't have to answer to him like a parent. I want to go out and indulge and dance every once in a while without feeling like I have this secret life he doesn't know about. I want a partner who is willing to travel with me, not one who refuses to get a passport because they don't want the american government to store their information. I want to go to Mexico, and New York, and Chicago again, and I want my partner with me. Not staying home because they think paying for travel is stupid. I want to go for dinner with my partner and when they've said they'll pay, not have them ask at the til if we're going dutch. I have given up so much to be with him. I got rid of pets, sold my beloved puggy because he made me choose. I cried and felt depressed for so long after Penelope left. I bought her to help my depression.... which got worse after that.

On the downside, I'll need to buy a car this weekend when I'm in Winnipeg so that Greg can take his parents car back and I won't have that tie to them. I'm glad I finally stopped hiding from that little nagging voice in the corner of my mind. When the words came out of my mouth while I was talking to Gerard on the phone (he has actually called me more times than Greg while I've been here, making sure I'm ok and checking in on me), I was shocked.... and I wanted to take them back. Brutal honesty. 

Part of me hopes that not having me will really drive home all of the things I've been telling him for the last year or so, but the majority of me, sadly, believes that his narcissistic tendencies will keep him from changing anything. I think he'll be alright. He's out on the farm, and he can always move back in with his parents. I own almost all of our furniture and dishes... he can have his dresser and shelf, and hopefully he'll let me keep the bed... 

That's pretty much all from the email. Now for the nitty gritties....The biggest thing I hide from him My partying. In fact, I've been so strongly craving male attention that I purposely flirt with men at the bar... I've even tried to leave my engagement ring at home... but my friends have always made me put it back on. I've gotten mad at my friends for telling the guy hitting on me that I'm in a relationship.

Which brings me to this weekend..... what happened? Well let me tell you (this is going to be one of those detail filled stories, so if my stories bore you, you should scroll past here now)

FRIDAY: A couple of the girls asked me to come out to karaoke with them. Pretty tame, then some big muscley blonde (read: FUCKING HOTTIE) sits down next to me and starts totally flirting with me. He was being super sweet, so I told him straight up "If you're looking to get laid tonight, you're not going to get it from me". He said "Why? Are you on your period?" hahah, ew. I said no because I'm not that kind of girl. I told him that I wouldn't be offended if he wanted to hit on someone else. He said no, and we flirted up a storm. He said "Tomorrow night we're going to to dancing at the Vic, you should come". So we danced to the last couple of songs at the karaoke bar and I walked the 4km home (by choice).

SATURDAY: I did my couch to 5k week 1 day 3... running back to the place where I left my car. Went shopping with Kat. In the evening was the school division golf tournament. Guess who was there? Of course MUSCLES. Gah. He said he saw me and wasn't sure if I would feel awkward if he said hi. He did end up saying hi while I was buying a drink. It wasn't awkward. It was kinda cute. Drank, golfed and went home. I wanted to go dancing (obviously to see muscles....) but nobody else wanted to, so I went to karaoke again. But it was boring without a man to hit on me (or more like I was looking forward to one specifically hitting on me). And the people I was with were boring people lol. I didn't sit at the rowdy table. After a while ... like 1am I decided I would go dancing.. So I met muscles there, we got some shots. ... of tequilla. yeah, then we "tore the floor up" as promised. Sooooo much grinding and dirty dancing. And man, he had rhythm and he was fucking sexy. And I didn't feel guilty at all. Then he asked what I wanted to do when the bar was closing, and I said hey, you're not too far from here, we should walk to your place! And about 10 minutes into that walk I suggested we walk to where I was staying and get some wine. so we walk about 4 km from the bar to my place. Get some wine and walk 3km to the place where he was staying. On the way he's like, so what are we going to do? A little bit of making out. I said "not even that" and he was like ok. That's alright. So we stayed up until 5:30 in the morning drinking wine and chatting on the deck. Then he suggested I just stay there instead of going home so I agreed. He asked if I wanted to sleep on the floor bed (single sized mattress) or the couches and I chose couches. ... then I suggested we share a couch. He didn't think that was very logical... so I opted for the single mattress in the living room... Yeah. That was pretty skanky of me. I hopped in, and he hopped in behind me. There was a little heavy breathing, some pressing, some giggles, and then a reaaaaally comfortable sleep. I haven't fallen asleep with someones arm around me for almost 4 years! When I first slept in the same bed as Greg and he rolled over to fall asleep, I cried because it made me feel so unwanted. Every time after that, I still felt upset. Even this year. It hurt me. When Greg came up to Flin Flon, and we stayed in the hotel, it was bj, snuggle, then the inevitable rolling over. I actually started just peeling myself off on my own. Ya know how I knew when it was time? The moment I started to feel really blissful and happy, I just roll over. That's usually when he'd push me off him anyway, If I did it myself, then it's not a man hurting me, it's just me hurting myself.

So this weekend, when I take the long journey home, it will be with a heavy heart. But I really feel like this is the right thing to do. I can't fake a whole lifetime with someone. The distance has made it hard, but also very clear. ... Also Gerard (my ex/best friend) got muscles number for me... Perhaps a roll in the hay. If he doesn't think it's creepy that I got his number lol.

(null)

I think i need to break up with greg. :(

C25K Week 1 Day 2

Mich - Yes, he is writing me a letter every day. Very old school romantic. lol I've been asking him our whole relationship (3.5 years) to write me a letter. :P Finally it makes sense to him. I wrote him a letter when we first started dating but he was all "why did you do that? I see you almost every day at school". Now there is no phone in the house he's staying in and getting a message to him is stupid hard (dial up internet....... and someone is usually on for loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong stretches at a time) and when i do leave a voice mail, i have to wait for the person whose house it is to see greg and pass along the message. believe it or not. it's actually faster to communicate through mail. Plus, how cool will it be in 50 years to still have these letters? 

Lilah Lee - Clubbing it is! As soon as we're both hot and you're legal! WINE FOR EVERYONE!

I forced myself to do it! No more lazy/fat couch to 5k.... I WILL do the 3 runs per week. Today felt pretty good. I was able to keep a pretty good pace the whole time. I took a 2 hour nap when I got home from school and then made myself go... because i knew if i tried to put it off until tomorrow it wouldn't happen.  Came home, had a 300 calorie dinner. :) Not a bad day.

Yesterday morning i was 183.4..... this morning I was 185.0. I know it's not from over eating. Must be muscle gain. I'm assuming swimming builds muscles pretty quickly. I'm not worried. I know for  the first little while, while my body adjusts to me being active again, it will fluctuate, and then I will get to that happy place where every morning the number is lower! I had half a sandwich with sandwich meat on it at a catered lunch I attended... so I'll probably retain some water from that. I drank coffee like a mofo all day. I was just sooooo exhausted when I woke up. Went to bed too late and the swimming tuckered me out. I also have been doing some crunches and reverse crunches (? the kind where you lower and raise your legs to activate your lower abs) in bed before I go to sleep. I swear I can tell the difference. My podge was less podgey in my running pants today. :D I feel like my face is getting thinner. I wish I could take a decent picture but the webcam on here always makes me look fatter than a normal camera.  Seriously. It's like I feel like i look good, webcam... BOOM shitty self confidence lol. the lappy cam licks some serious ballage.

Anyway. No pics tonight, I have a bunch that I need to convert/rip from some websites.... so for now you'll have to wait ;) I am going to send some from my mobile of the path i am currently jogging on. They don't really give you the full beauty of the North but they're a bit of a glimpse of the nature found here.

Tomorrow, I'm going golfing after school. My roomie's bf is going to teach us how to drive, because I don't want to be the worst golfer there on saturday.... then i'm going to get in a quick swim, followed by an evening at the sports bar. I will have ONE light beer that is all. After that if we're still socializing, diet pepsi FTW.

OOOOOOOOoooooo!!! And I found a place to live. :) I put a deposit down yesterday so as of July 1 i will have an apartment here. :D It's the top floor of a duplex... 3 bedrooms, the master bedroom has an ensuite bathroom! When I have the keys I'm going to do a video tour for my fam dam back in the city, and I'll (hopefully) be able to convert the file to something blogger friendly!

Anywho, I'm off for the night. I have a few hundred photocopies of assessment pages i need to make tomorrow. G'night all.

XOXO
~Nessa

don't cha hate it

When I lead you on like "I'm probably going to post more often..." and then I don't? I'm pretty good at it too.

HALLE-FUCKING-LUYAH! Thank whatever god/God/deity/politician/celebrity you worship... I've actually had a NORMAL period. It lasted 8 days. Ya know what that means? The answer was drinking wine every night? Or the iron supplement/multi-vitamin I've been taking? Whatever it was, let's hope it continues. I wanna get laid the next time I see Greg!!!!!

Alright, things have been going ok here. I've lost 2 pounds since I started trying, and I'll take that over 5 any week. The slow weight stays off longer! I'm slacking on the couch to 5k... I think I'm going to restart it. I'm just not very good at ya know, following a schedule or doing any sort of exercise. That and my friend/current roomie came with me once and is in waaaaaaaaaaay better shape than i am. That totally made me feel like shit, so now I only wanna go by myself. But she ends up coming home when I want to go and when I "joke" about going for a run when she's hung over... she always agrees to go. Ugh. I can't wait to live alone again. I love Kat to bits and it's like no time passed since she moved, but I feel like suuuuuuuuuuuuch a leach here. Though on the flip side, if i weren't living with Kat I'd probably never leave the house. ....

I also got myself a pass to the aqua centre. i went swimming on Thursday evening, just a couple lengths to get the ol muscles tingling. I'm planning to go running after I go look at a trailer (possible living space). I looked at a duplex today... and it looked all tiny from the outside, but it was HUGE inside! 3 bedrooms and the master bedroom had an ensuite bathroom. And our own laundry in the porch area. Yeah. And the house was laid out pretty well. like guest room off the kitchen... away from the master bedroom. Yeah!!! Now I want to live there instead of the $600 apartment i looked at. ... though the location of the apartments was nicer, quieter. Although even "downtown" here is nothing compared to inner city winnipeg!!! The duplex is $700 a month and includes all utilities except hydro. hmm. I've been trying to call Greg for the last couple of hours but the line has been busy. Meh. I'll call him after I look at the trailer.

*POST RUN*
Well. That was better. i really stepped it up. I got through the whole 1.8 km part of the loop and then halfway back. 2.7 km in total (plus the walk to and from that point and an extra hill). I didn't count the getting there and back though, just the actual couch to 5k part. According to Active Trainer I burned 400 calories!

Speaking of that stinker (Greg as mentioned above). He's apparently been writing me a letter everyday (but one). So far \I've received 2 of them, but it's so nice to get them. They come to my school mail box, so it's like a little bit of sunshine. Oh, and they come to the ghetto school, so even when i'm feeling shitty... this just brightens my day. I could care less what the brats do. Though I have to admit, I've had a couple of creative management moments. There were these two 3rd grade boys who would not stop playing the drums (we're doing "african" drums) while I was talking. They'd had time out and were going to miss recess. I kept them after class to talk to them, but the Kindergartens were coming in right away. So I made them sit at the drums and said "Kindergartens, could you show these boys how quietly you can come in and sit at a drum without even touching it?" and of course they did, because sometimes when the stars align they are angels. Once the kiddies were all in their seats, I turned to them and said "I'm sure that you could also come in as responsibly next time. I highly recommend trying it" and let them leave. ... they didn't say a word until they were out the door and then one turned to the other and said "That was so embarrassing". I normally feel bad embarrassing children, but these kids just wouldn't get it so I had to do something... and the timing was just perfect. Today I made a kid write lines because he mimicked me in class....... and then he was suddenly this happy smiley boy, not the moody broody 5th grader that freaks out when i ask him to sit in his normal spot in the seating plan. Strange indeed. The kids who need the discipline really just want you to find the right kind. Once you give it to them they're all huggy and shit. It's weird.

Oooo, wanna hear the best pick up lines ever! The shops teacher apparently is my new best friend....
A)  Friday At the art show with my bestie and new best friend's (NBF) neighbour and another teacher friend, he comes up to me "so which one is yours". What? Fuck off lol. Then bestie came up and took my hand and we skipped away. Somehow he found me again and then kat came to save me again and started a conversation about Greg and I bragged about the purchase of my engagement ring
B) two days before that he gave me some "leftover" freezie in the hallway so he wouldn't have to bring it home. He was apparently trying to get rid of them so he wouldn't have any more.... funny because on Sunday while I was at the school prepping... he came into my office bearing a mini freezie. Then tried to convince me to take his evening adult woodworking class... Oh his opening line this time "so i hear you're really amazing on piano". I'm not sure where he would have heard that because i couldn't play piano to save my life lol.
C) will probably happen this weekend at the staff golf tournament... because guess who is on my 4 person team. That's right NBF. I've been told he can be very clingy and that having a boyfriend/husband/fiance will not stop this creepiness. Ya know what I'm going to do about it? NOTHING. Enjoy someone hitting on me and just be friendly. Gah. Maybe he's not trying to be creepy. and he doesn't give off a creepy vibe. And after all, he didn't date rape my freezies lol. Maybe Greg and him will be friends?

Ok, that was a LOT of typing.... G'night all
XOXO Nessa
Clubbing.... something I hope to do when I look hot!

Hmmm. A little less slutty... more like this. Lady in red- class act. That will be me.