Sooooo I made a vlog last night before I went out but for whatever reason it sat on the "publishing" screen all night and when i refreshed the page it wasn't there. :(
Big news... I am still fat. :( Hovering around 190 bouncing about 2 pounds on either side. I had a laxie day yesterday but it didn't do much because I'm all bloated like I'm about to get my period. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me. And I'm still sick. I've had this lingering cold for a couple of weeks now... seems it just won't go away~!!
Things with Billy are still amazing :) He has some kind of surprise for me and it's driving me crazy. He won't give me any hints... I know it's not a living thing, it's not fluffy and I'm getting it on a day he doesn't work... but he's so good at dodging my hint digging. Sometimes (or all the time) I worry he is going to leave me, but that's just me being paranoid I'm pretty sure. He's always so nice and sweet to me, and we have all these plans for the future. I just feel so unsure of myself in this relationship. I am hesitant to put myself fully into this and leave my heart unguarded. I know there will be a point at which I'll have to shit or get off the pot. Mentally I'm in this but I haven't let myself get too into it. I don't want another commitment-phobic man telling me he loves me and wants to be with me forever and then dumping me the next week (Gerard). I don't want to force anything in this one. I'm enjoying the time we spend together but I don't force him to spend it with me, in fact I rarely initiate hang out time, and I don't try to get him to talk about feelings and stuff. I certainly am not telling him about my battles with weight or eating/not eating.
Tonight is Billy's best friend Loreena's Birthday. I baked a rum cake, with a rum glaze and some rum icing to write Happy B-Day on it. I don't know if I'll eat any of it... well I'll probably have a small piece. I'm sure there will be ass loads of food.... I'm cooking curry for dinner tonight, Billy's coming after work, then we're eating, then going to the hockey game, then to the party. :) I'm going to dress pretty in case we go to the bar later in the evening. I have watched more hockey in the last month in Flin Flon than I have in my whole life combined up until this point. And ya know what... It's kinda fun! Probably because I get to stand/sit by my sexy beau. I like being seen in public with him. It's a double edged sword. I want people to know we're together and I want people to see us together, but I don't want to tell people in case he breaks my heart. I could handle him dumping me if I didn't have to talk about it to anyone, but if he broke up with me and I had to talk about it I would be absolutely devastated. Look at me Ms. Pessimistic. FUCK. Whatever, one step at a time. Either he falls in love with me or he doesn't. If he doesn't, those words won't cross my lips. ... I really wish I knew what this surprise of his was... arg. Oh well. one step at a time. Tonight I will get rip roaring drunk, we'll probably crash at my place and then tomorrow will be another day. :)
On another note.. I'm tired of being fat :(
Love you all XOXOXO Comments are always appreciated. You have no idea how much they mean to me!
ttyl.
~Nessa
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Posting from school... sketch
(THIS POST SPANS ABOUT 3 WEEKS WORTH OF TIME... WHILE WAITING FOR MY INTERNET TO BE CONNECTED)
I don't know how I feel about this.... posting from my office at school. ... Tee hee I have an office!
Soooooo... weight wise, I'm holding steady at 188.? Just the decimal point changes so I'm feeling confident that once I have my kitchen unpacked everything will go back to normal. (UPDATE: it's Wednesday morning and I weighed 187.7 this morning... HORRRAAAAAY FUCK lol)
I got prescribed depo! Wooo hoo. and ya know what? I'm less hungry. In fact, I sat down to binge on ice cream... and I couldn't do it. I know that happens to me occasionally for no real reason but I'm just going to tell myself it's the drugs... they hurt enough damn it. I looked at the needle and though OH FUCK NO. THAT SHIT AIN'T GOIN IN ME!! (that's what she said) But of course it did... (also what she said...). Please excuse my juvenile humour today.
Soooo I'm all moved in, but not even close to being unpacked. I'm bad like that. But to be fair it's mostly because the kitchen and bathroom were grody as fuck. I spent a couple of days scrubbing and tossing things left behind. As long as I move the boxes out of my living room by Friday I'm gold. Friday Gwen and Brent and my baby cousin (well he's 3 now so not really a baby) are coming out for a visit! (This didn't happen because they had a tire blow out) Hoorah! Billy is planning to buy a nerf gun for him and the boy child to play with. They are like two peas in a pod... seriously. Billy is ridiculously good with kids.Better than me! And I've been really good with kids my whole life... well until my bout with depression and then the medication. Since then I feel strange being hugged by people or touched (other than amazing bf. I want him to touch me all the time). I feel like I visibly flinch when someone in the staff room touches my arm, though I know it's probably not true.
Things with Billy are going super well. I see him almost every day. Part of me thinks it's because I have a car and so when he goes somewhere I go out of convenience for him...which can't be true at all. He's registering his car on Thursday. I said yesterday that my life will change when his car is registered, and he said, "why, because now I get to chauffeur you around?". I'm pretty sure he likes spending time with me, and he's a little bit affectionate in public. Nothing major, just putting his arm around me or his head on my lap at his grandpa's on the couch or sitting snuggled up close when we watch a movie or play board games with friends. We've only known each other for 4 months and been "official" for 3 of them. The other day he was looking through a flyer and they had showers on sale. He said to me "see this is the kind of shower we need" then paused like deer in the headlights, omg i just said we about a house that may or may not ever exist... then I smiled and he continued "ya know, because it has a seat in it". He talks about the future like it's no big deal and I'll be in it. I like him more than I'd care to admit to him.... and I think he likes me more than he'd admit to me, but everything is so different with him. Like everytime I have some kind of need or want in the relationship he fills it. A couple of days ago, I was thinking, wow, we haven't just stayed in and snuggled up with a movie for a while, and yesterday he suggested it. A couple days before that I was thinking about how he used to text me "Morning beautiful" every morning while I was away for that month in August, and how I missed it. I was even going to ask him why he doesn't ever do that anymore... and BAM "good morning beautiful" the very next morning. I wonder if he has some kind of psychic connection to me? Or am I on some kind of reality tv show that I don't know I'm on?? (UPDATE: He registered his car. I see him just as often. :) Now he just drives sometimes haha)
Ok, now I'm on the second day of this post, how typical of me... My phone line works now, I'm thinking I might jimmy up something for the time being and use dial up... oh the horrors of dial up. One tab at a time. oh god, how did we ever live in such primitive conditions? Just kidding.. sort of haha.
Hmmm what else is new? Ummmm... I think I'm staying up in Flin Flon for Christmas. Billy's family will have some kind of get together/eat together on Christmas day and then on the 26th they're leaving for Cuba... those dinks. They come back on the 2nd of January :( I am house/dog/bird sitting for them. I think I'd rather they be gone over Christmas than New Years, somehow the count down is sentimental to me... Not that i've seen it the last few years. not at all. On the contrary, Greg and I never went to a new years anything. We just sat at home and watched movies with his parents... no booze... no fun... no party. Not this year. This year I'm gonna parrrrrrtay! I'm sad Billy won't be there and I'm a little sad I wasn't invited to come to Cuba, but I get it. It's a family trip and we haven't been dating very long. And I think I'm kind of the only significant other in the family right now. UPDATE: Jordana my lesbian friend was talking about not having anything to do for Christmas, so I think sometime during my holiday break I'm going to go there and we're going to bake a turkey and all the bells and whistles!
Now it's November 19th.... like daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays later. But I have internet again! Like real high speed internets! The internet people are definitely going to hear from me.... 190. I'm holding on for dear life at 190. The last couple of days have been bad. Wednesday was good... but I chaperoned the student council at the a school trustee meeting and they provided supper. Of course it was fucking pizza because they figured kids like pizza right? Ugh. Kids also fucking eat what is given to them. Thursday Billy and I rented a movie and watched it at my place, and of course ate snacks and Friday I went to my friends "Sunshine Gourmet Party" like an Avon party but with food. All of the food made me gassy :( Ah well. Tonight I will drink copious amounts of liquor... that always seems to bump me down a couple of pounds.
November 25.... I'm sooo lazy at posting. I've been avoiding it. This morning I was 188.6. So it's going back down. I am aiming to be 185 by December 1st.... that's 5 pounds. I need to stop eating food so often. I've been trying to be very aware of what i'm putting in my mouth but I think I might need to actually start counting again. This weekend will be interesting. Today my Dad and sister are making the 8 hour drive to see me. We're going to Billy's house for lunch on Saturday so his Mom can meet them. I'm a little nervous. Dad didn't meet Greg's parents for like 2 years... same with Gerard.
Speaking of Gerard. He's back together with the girl he dated after me. She mind fucked him for a while in an attempt to get him back or at least get some attention, but now they're talking like grown ups, and planning for the future. He told me once that he was pretty sure eventually he'd marry her. I hope she makes him happy, but I also hope that he doesn't stop hanging out with me just because she's back in the picture. I still hung out with him (with Billy... also new. Greg only hung out with Gerard and I once... ) Soooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I just want to snuggle up and fall asleep with Billy. I should have stayed at his house last night. We were both falling asleep after we watched a movie. He's so cuddly and affectionate. Geez... I talk about him a lot. Sorry for the gushing. K. I'm going to go this post is ridiculously long. I'm sorry I'm really behind on reading. I'll catch up soon.
Love you ladies.
XOXO
I don't know how I feel about this.... posting from my office at school. ... Tee hee I have an office!
Soooooo... weight wise, I'm holding steady at 188.? Just the decimal point changes so I'm feeling confident that once I have my kitchen unpacked everything will go back to normal. (UPDATE: it's Wednesday morning and I weighed 187.7 this morning... HORRRAAAAAY FUCK lol)
I got prescribed depo! Wooo hoo. and ya know what? I'm less hungry. In fact, I sat down to binge on ice cream... and I couldn't do it. I know that happens to me occasionally for no real reason but I'm just going to tell myself it's the drugs... they hurt enough damn it. I looked at the needle and though OH FUCK NO. THAT SHIT AIN'T GOIN IN ME!! (that's what she said) But of course it did... (also what she said...). Please excuse my juvenile humour today.
Soooo I'm all moved in, but not even close to being unpacked. I'm bad like that. But to be fair it's mostly because the kitchen and bathroom were grody as fuck. I spent a couple of days scrubbing and tossing things left behind. As long as I move the boxes out of my living room by Friday I'm gold. Friday Gwen and Brent and my baby cousin (well he's 3 now so not really a baby) are coming out for a visit! (This didn't happen because they had a tire blow out) Hoorah! Billy is planning to buy a nerf gun for him and the boy child to play with. They are like two peas in a pod... seriously. Billy is ridiculously good with kids.Better than me! And I've been really good with kids my whole life... well until my bout with depression and then the medication. Since then I feel strange being hugged by people or touched (other than amazing bf. I want him to touch me all the time). I feel like I visibly flinch when someone in the staff room touches my arm, though I know it's probably not true.
Things with Billy are going super well. I see him almost every day. Part of me thinks it's because I have a car and so when he goes somewhere I go out of convenience for him...which can't be true at all. He's registering his car on Thursday. I said yesterday that my life will change when his car is registered, and he said, "why, because now I get to chauffeur you around?". I'm pretty sure he likes spending time with me, and he's a little bit affectionate in public. Nothing major, just putting his arm around me or his head on my lap at his grandpa's on the couch or sitting snuggled up close when we watch a movie or play board games with friends. We've only known each other for 4 months and been "official" for 3 of them. The other day he was looking through a flyer and they had showers on sale. He said to me "see this is the kind of shower we need" then paused like deer in the headlights, omg i just said we about a house that may or may not ever exist... then I smiled and he continued "ya know, because it has a seat in it". He talks about the future like it's no big deal and I'll be in it. I like him more than I'd care to admit to him.... and I think he likes me more than he'd admit to me, but everything is so different with him. Like everytime I have some kind of need or want in the relationship he fills it. A couple of days ago, I was thinking, wow, we haven't just stayed in and snuggled up with a movie for a while, and yesterday he suggested it. A couple days before that I was thinking about how he used to text me "Morning beautiful" every morning while I was away for that month in August, and how I missed it. I was even going to ask him why he doesn't ever do that anymore... and BAM "good morning beautiful" the very next morning. I wonder if he has some kind of psychic connection to me? Or am I on some kind of reality tv show that I don't know I'm on?? (UPDATE: He registered his car. I see him just as often. :) Now he just drives sometimes haha)
Ok, now I'm on the second day of this post, how typical of me... My phone line works now, I'm thinking I might jimmy up something for the time being and use dial up... oh the horrors of dial up. One tab at a time. oh god, how did we ever live in such primitive conditions? Just kidding.. sort of haha.
Hmmm what else is new? Ummmm... I think I'm staying up in Flin Flon for Christmas. Billy's family will have some kind of get together/eat together on Christmas day and then on the 26th they're leaving for Cuba... those dinks. They come back on the 2nd of January :( I am house/dog/bird sitting for them. I think I'd rather they be gone over Christmas than New Years, somehow the count down is sentimental to me... Not that i've seen it the last few years. not at all. On the contrary, Greg and I never went to a new years anything. We just sat at home and watched movies with his parents... no booze... no fun... no party. Not this year. This year I'm gonna parrrrrrtay! I'm sad Billy won't be there and I'm a little sad I wasn't invited to come to Cuba, but I get it. It's a family trip and we haven't been dating very long. And I think I'm kind of the only significant other in the family right now. UPDATE: Jordana my lesbian friend was talking about not having anything to do for Christmas, so I think sometime during my holiday break I'm going to go there and we're going to bake a turkey and all the bells and whistles!
Now it's November 19th.... like daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays later. But I have internet again! Like real high speed internets! The internet people are definitely going to hear from me.... 190. I'm holding on for dear life at 190. The last couple of days have been bad. Wednesday was good... but I chaperoned the student council at the a school trustee meeting and they provided supper. Of course it was fucking pizza because they figured kids like pizza right? Ugh. Kids also fucking eat what is given to them. Thursday Billy and I rented a movie and watched it at my place, and of course ate snacks and Friday I went to my friends "Sunshine Gourmet Party" like an Avon party but with food. All of the food made me gassy :( Ah well. Tonight I will drink copious amounts of liquor... that always seems to bump me down a couple of pounds.
November 25.... I'm sooo lazy at posting. I've been avoiding it. This morning I was 188.6. So it's going back down. I am aiming to be 185 by December 1st.... that's 5 pounds. I need to stop eating food so often. I've been trying to be very aware of what i'm putting in my mouth but I think I might need to actually start counting again. This weekend will be interesting. Today my Dad and sister are making the 8 hour drive to see me. We're going to Billy's house for lunch on Saturday so his Mom can meet them. I'm a little nervous. Dad didn't meet Greg's parents for like 2 years... same with Gerard.
Speaking of Gerard. He's back together with the girl he dated after me. She mind fucked him for a while in an attempt to get him back or at least get some attention, but now they're talking like grown ups, and planning for the future. He told me once that he was pretty sure eventually he'd marry her. I hope she makes him happy, but I also hope that he doesn't stop hanging out with me just because she's back in the picture. I still hung out with him (with Billy... also new. Greg only hung out with Gerard and I once... ) Soooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I just want to snuggle up and fall asleep with Billy. I should have stayed at his house last night. We were both falling asleep after we watched a movie. He's so cuddly and affectionate. Geez... I talk about him a lot. Sorry for the gushing. K. I'm going to go this post is ridiculously long. I'm sorry I'm really behind on reading. I'll catch up soon.
Love you ladies.
XOXO
Sunday, November 6, 2011
So i haven't had internet since the end of the month and won't have it again until the 18th.... Stupid internet service provider.... Lots to update on... I don't want to it from school for obvious reasons. Billy and i went to the city for our 5km run last weekend and i ran a personal best. He met my dad and sister, grandparents and gerard. And it was so easy and comfortable :) we 3 went to comic con and the boys went off on their own together so they get along, thank god. I definitely love this boy but will NOT say it first.... That did not work out well for me last time and this is good and I don't want to ruin it. I am pretty sure he's pretty into me <3 based on the conversations i've had with him, and his friends and his mom. Out of characters :( ttyl!
xoxoxo ~nessa~
pic of 1st snow this morning
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