Hey all :) Nice to get comments on my vlog post. Sorry it was so long.... ugh. I hate that lol
Sooo like I said in my vlog. I'm about the size I was at 180 last summer, but I'm hovering around 205. I'm coming to terms with this. . . . Building muscle is a good thing. Plus I look at my face at 180 and it definitely is more defined right now even though I'm heavier.
Food wise: I've been doing protein shakes for breakfast and lunch with 2 snacks, then something either a salad or something else healthy like salmon and wild rice and asparagus. Until a week and a half ago when I went down south to visit with family and friends and drop Kat off with her family. Then my eating went to shit. Though somehow I came home a pound lighter and an inch smaller around my waist. Don't ask me how that happened. Of course any progress is immediately sabotaged by myself. Soooo I ate shitty for 2-3 more days here, but now I'm getting back on track. I went to see a nutritionist because of my 30 pound weight gain over the winter (which kept going all the way until May) and she told me not to be so hard on myself when I have a weak moment because it will cause me to stress eat, which it totally does. Soooo I'm doing my best to not freak out about indiscretions. And I can't feel too badly about eating bread or something worse, since throwing myself back into two liquid meals per day is kind of drastic.
Excercise wise: Before I went down south, Kat and I were walking around the lake/doing the hills here every morning. Sometimes I'd work out in the afternoon and then Mon/Wed/Fri we'd do Couch to 5K. Since I pretty much let myself go hardcore after that 5k I did on Halloween. In fact, I would say that the 30 pounds i gained was between Halloween and May. That's 7 months... I can't believe I let myself go again. But at least I caught it before it got really out of hand. Well I wouldn't exactly consider this under control.... Anywho, since being back from the city, I've kept up with my running. I'm doing some pilates/yoga randomly, but my motivation is lacking. But something is better than nothing right? I've been walking a lot, like I walked across town to visit my friend's mom on Friday afternoon. Sunday morning I walked across town to pick up my car after a drunk night. Actually it wasn't that bad. I was the designated driver until we got back to town from the beach, which was like 1am. Then I had 4 or 5 drinks and was pretty wasted. Ah yes, the life of a lush! I gained some mega alcohol tolerance dating Billy. Speaking of...
Men wise: Well I'm single as I'm sure you've gathered by now. And as you are already aware... my life revolves around men. . . And I like it that way. lol. Sooooo I think i vlogged about Barry, and Anthony, and I said i would leave Clayton until next time.
So here's the deal with Clayton. Mystery man who drove me home when my plane wouldn't land at Easter? Bing-o! Yes, sooo while I was stuck in a town an hour and a half away (in good weather) and Billy's mother wouldn't let him come get me in her 4/4 with studded tires because the roads were too bad (eye roll), Clayton's mom was bringing him his big truck, only I didn't know his name until we finally were leaving the airport. I figured if I was getting in a car with strangers I should at least know the name of the one who was rescuing me. Clayton and I got a ride out of town to the Snow Lake turn off, and waited half an hour in some other guys car (like an old old guy. He was picking up an employee from the airport). The topic of a boyfriend on my part didn't even come up until we'd been waiting at the corner for a good 20 minutes. He asked me "so who are you with in Flin Flon?" and I asked "What do you mean?" and he said "Well you must have a boyfriend" and i was like ummm yeah I'm with Billly Williamson. but i was reluctant to tell him, which never happens to me. He was just so sweet and nice and I don't know what i wanted him to think. I think I just wanted to enjoy someone liking me the way I am, talking to me, without any pre-conceived notions attached to who I was dating. And i wanted him to see me as single and available. I swear to god this didn't ever happen before or after this in my relationship. Maybe I was mad that Billy refused to come with me to spend time with my family, after all at that point we'd been together 7 months and none of my Dad's family had met him. Maybe I was tired of not feeling loved, or at least not being told I was loved (that's right, Billy didn't tell me he loved me in the whole 10 months we were dating). Anyway, whatever the reason, I didn't want to tell Clayton. But I can't lie so of course I did. Anywho, his mom showed up with his truck. Turns out he actually lives 20 minutes (in good weather) out of town. Lol. So I hop in the back seat, and we drop his mom off on the way (I wasn't sure why... since she's already in the truck). She gets out of the truck and says something like "have fun you two, but not too much fun". Hahahahh.... really?? he told her I was with Billy. Anyway, then we drove like 40 minutes to Flin Flon for him to drop me off at my house, meaning he has to drive 40 minutes back to wherever he lives.
Fast forward to July 19th, he messages me on Facebook while i'm driving down to Winnipeg, asking what's up. I tell him I'm heading down south. He asks if Billy and I are on holiday? I tell him that he isn't in the picture anymore, he asks what happened, I said we wanted different things. He said better to figure that out before anything gets serious and someone ends up hurt. I said you bet. He said we should hang out when you get back, and to message him when I'm home. He was on his way home for 2 weeks. A couple days later he messages me again, all hey how's it going? How's the city. I tell him I'm partying, he says live it up down there. Then he messages me every day while I'm down there. Halfway through the week he gets called back to work. Shitty deal for him, he was relaxing on a boat on a lake when he got the call lol. I got home on the 26th, he sends me his phone number so we can text instead of facebook message. He wants the same things as me, a family, a wife (well I want a husband) and a home. He's actually planning to buy a house in the Fall. We talk about life and relationships, he tells me he's liked me since he met me and has been thinking about me since then. I tell him I think we have the cutest "how we met" story every. He said he's been thinking the same thing.
Last night he called me. It was super cute. His phone has a horrible speaker so he could only hear half of what i was saying. He said he was sorry that he always falls asleep while we're texting, and it's not that i'm boring and that he really likes me and he can't wait to come home to spend time with me.I said I wish I'd been born in the 50's so I could just be a house wife, and he said that he says he wish he'd been born in the 50's all the time. I asked him if he wanted me to sing him a lullaby because he's so tired. (because after 6 weeks of 12 hour shifts I'd be dead to the world, never mind texting pretty girls. eff that) and he was like yes! That would be awesome. but i'm a wuss so i said i couldn't sing it would be too embarrassing. so he told me to text it to him when we hung up. so i texted him a lullaby. He said that it was cute.
Anywho. We'll see where this goes. He's 4 years older than me (HOORAY!! Always like it when a guys older). He has a horse and a dirtbike, and a boat, and a bajillion other toys. Aaaaaaaaaaaand we have this spark of sexual tension, this un-namable click. It's neat. For all the talking Anthony and I have done about life goals and marriage and children, there was a spark missing. I'm optimistic. This would be awesome but I'm not getting my hopes up.
I told myself I would stay single until Christmas... .but I highly doubt that will happen. The way I see it, I used Billy to get over Greg and Gerard, and it worked. And because he didn't ever tell me he loved me it was easy to get over that shit. . . And I finally let Gerard go. I was thinking maybe since he's moving up north i could take this term position that is opening up in Thompson (where Anthony lives and my aunt and uncle and Gerard is moving to) and I could win him back. but since he ignored me the whole time i was in the city....eff that. Plus I read somewhere that to really be able to love someone you have to let go of old flames.ALL OF THEM. and if i'm looking for a husband.... i probably should do that.
Alright, enough babbling from me. Sorry the man category is always way longer than anything else. Essh. i just like men... and sex... a lot lol.
Kk. Love you all :) XOXO
Nessa
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Here I am
Yeah... I know I disappeared. Things with Billy got really great and I wanted to leave this world behind (and I got fat again as a result).... and then everything fell apart.... arg.
It is a really long story and I will type it.... or possibly vlog it.
DISCLAIMER: 30 MINUTES OF PURE NESSA FOLLOWS. Probably boring as shit, but I had 6 months to report on lol.
Oh.... I didn't mention Clayton hahahahah. I'll get to him next time. I'm still trying to figure this whole dating thing out.
And here's my tattoo!
Ok. I'm le tired of typing. Can't wait to start this shit up again!!!! Love you !!!!! XOXOXOXOXO Nessa
It is a really long story and I will type it.... or possibly vlog it.
DISCLAIMER: 30 MINUTES OF PURE NESSA FOLLOWS. Probably boring as shit, but I had 6 months to report on lol.
Oh.... I didn't mention Clayton hahahahah. I'll get to him next time. I'm still trying to figure this whole dating thing out.
Ok. I'm le tired of typing. Can't wait to start this shit up again!!!! Love you !!!!! XOXOXOXOXO Nessa
Monday, January 16, 2012
Grr. Well at least the health challenge has started
What a weird weekend. soo Friday saw 196.5 on the scale.... ugh. This morning I was 195.1. I'm pretty constipated. Fuck. how do I just keep getting heavier????? GOD DAMNIT. I"M SO TIRED OF BEING FAT!!!
Aaaaalright. Friday, I went out for appetizers with some friends, then played some board games for a bit. It was boring and one of the two people (the host of the board game portion) was tooootally ignoring me. Not on purpose, but it's like he didn't hear anything I was saying. Whatever, I left early and went to bed. Billy stayed home, since he has to work at 9am Saturday mornings.
Saturday was retarded. I was mad at Billy because he hasn't really spent any time with me since he got back from vacation. I asked him about it and he said it was because he didn't really get any alone time on vacation. I was pretty grumpy at him at Tim's house and then when we came back to my place.... He went to go down on me and I stopped him and asked him what this was to him.... And if it was just sex, and started crying. He was immediately turned off (duh) and said insecurity is the biggest turn off in a girl. He said if it was just sex he wouldn't have introduced me to his family. Ugh. I said I know how I feel but I have no idea how you feel. (this was not the way I wanted the talk to happen... ugh). He just kept saying "I don't know what to say right now". I told him I was scared, he said I didn't need to be. He said "I might never be able to tell you how I feel". What does that mean?? I said "that's ok. Whatever, if you didn't care for me, you wouldn't be here." He said "exactly" and pulled me onto his chest and we fell asleep. In the morning, when he woke up, he rolled over and started kissing me... then he went to go down on me, and on his way down said "don't be silly, just let me do this for you." And did he ever... Like, multiple orgasms for me :) Spent Sunday being lazy. Made us waffles, hung out on the couch watching Football and playing little Facebook games. Went to his house, he made us supper and we chilled all afternoon and evening. Played some video games (I knitted), watched a movie, and generally enjoyed each others company. I'm still a little bit worried about weirding him out... Like I think I majorly freaked him out :( I'm just going to pretend I didn't do that. And I'm going to give him some space. Let him come to me, let him initiate our time together. If that makes me a pathetic girl...well then I am.
--Later--
Ok. Things are good. I think. I'm positive. Today was his day off, we texted back and forth all day in our normal fashion. Then after school he sent me a text that said "I've been thinking about the family gathering thing a big and talking it over with mom and dad too" (because we were going to drive overnight on Saturday night to get to my family thing on Sunday). I tried not to panic and asked if this was a conversation we should have in person... getting a little freaked out. and he said "I'm not overly excited to be traveling at night when it's going to be so cold... just don't think it's too smart" which it isn't... and if it snowed even a little bit we'd be fucked, and possibly stuck in the 10 foot ditches. Normally, when I'm in psycho mode (a la Saturday night) I would have fallen off the deep end with questions like "don't you want to meet my family? aren't I important to you?"... but instead I said "you're right, maybe we should sit this one out. There will be more gatherings". He said he was really sorry but that he thought the best idea was to not go. I said "don't be sorry babe :) I'm not upset". He said that's what he was worried about. Things are good, as long as I can get my sex fill every couple of days, I'll be happy and rational. :D Never again will I go like 16 days... that was stupid.
Then he texted to say he was going for a nap... and I did my first day of P90X. All of my muscles will hate me tomorrow. The scale might also hate me. I have no idea. The tape measure hated me. My waist is 3 inches bigger than it was this summer. I know 3 inches isn't a lot when you're my size, but it was depressing none the less. Maybe that's what's been missing in my motivation... numbers other than the scale.
Anywho, tomorrow is Tuesday, and I'm going to Zumba class instead of doing p90x cardio. I agreed to go with Hollee, and we've been getting along really well lately, and I don't have a whole lot of female friends, so Hollee and I will Zumba it up. It's only 6 classes in January. I'll miss all the "CardioX" parts of p90x this month, and possibly the yoga days, though I think i might try to do the yoga anyway after I get home from Zumba.
Lord help me, I'm fat and lazy. Working out every day is going to be hard for me for the first bit. I miss the summer when I walked or jogged/ran every day. I cannot wait for walking weather... that and sunlight. It's overcast cloudy EVERY DAY here. There was a brief period of sun today and one day last week as the sun was going down. Makes me grumpy... Guess I'll just need to get extra sex, though this weeks workout schedule will make that difficult/painful... erg lol.
Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway. I hope you all had a great Monday. I'll ttyl. XOXO
Aaaaalright. Friday, I went out for appetizers with some friends, then played some board games for a bit. It was boring and one of the two people (the host of the board game portion) was tooootally ignoring me. Not on purpose, but it's like he didn't hear anything I was saying. Whatever, I left early and went to bed. Billy stayed home, since he has to work at 9am Saturday mornings.
Saturday was retarded. I was mad at Billy because he hasn't really spent any time with me since he got back from vacation. I asked him about it and he said it was because he didn't really get any alone time on vacation. I was pretty grumpy at him at Tim's house and then when we came back to my place.... He went to go down on me and I stopped him and asked him what this was to him.... And if it was just sex, and started crying. He was immediately turned off (duh) and said insecurity is the biggest turn off in a girl. He said if it was just sex he wouldn't have introduced me to his family. Ugh. I said I know how I feel but I have no idea how you feel. (this was not the way I wanted the talk to happen... ugh). He just kept saying "I don't know what to say right now". I told him I was scared, he said I didn't need to be. He said "I might never be able to tell you how I feel". What does that mean?? I said "that's ok. Whatever, if you didn't care for me, you wouldn't be here." He said "exactly" and pulled me onto his chest and we fell asleep. In the morning, when he woke up, he rolled over and started kissing me... then he went to go down on me, and on his way down said "don't be silly, just let me do this for you." And did he ever... Like, multiple orgasms for me :) Spent Sunday being lazy. Made us waffles, hung out on the couch watching Football and playing little Facebook games. Went to his house, he made us supper and we chilled all afternoon and evening. Played some video games (I knitted), watched a movie, and generally enjoyed each others company. I'm still a little bit worried about weirding him out... Like I think I majorly freaked him out :( I'm just going to pretend I didn't do that. And I'm going to give him some space. Let him come to me, let him initiate our time together. If that makes me a pathetic girl...well then I am.
--Later--
Ok. Things are good. I think. I'm positive. Today was his day off, we texted back and forth all day in our normal fashion. Then after school he sent me a text that said "I've been thinking about the family gathering thing a big and talking it over with mom and dad too" (because we were going to drive overnight on Saturday night to get to my family thing on Sunday). I tried not to panic and asked if this was a conversation we should have in person... getting a little freaked out. and he said "I'm not overly excited to be traveling at night when it's going to be so cold... just don't think it's too smart" which it isn't... and if it snowed even a little bit we'd be fucked, and possibly stuck in the 10 foot ditches. Normally, when I'm in psycho mode (a la Saturday night) I would have fallen off the deep end with questions like "don't you want to meet my family? aren't I important to you?"... but instead I said "you're right, maybe we should sit this one out. There will be more gatherings". He said he was really sorry but that he thought the best idea was to not go. I said "don't be sorry babe :) I'm not upset". He said that's what he was worried about. Things are good, as long as I can get my sex fill every couple of days, I'll be happy and rational. :D Never again will I go like 16 days... that was stupid.
Then he texted to say he was going for a nap... and I did my first day of P90X. All of my muscles will hate me tomorrow. The scale might also hate me. I have no idea. The tape measure hated me. My waist is 3 inches bigger than it was this summer. I know 3 inches isn't a lot when you're my size, but it was depressing none the less. Maybe that's what's been missing in my motivation... numbers other than the scale.
Anywho, tomorrow is Tuesday, and I'm going to Zumba class instead of doing p90x cardio. I agreed to go with Hollee, and we've been getting along really well lately, and I don't have a whole lot of female friends, so Hollee and I will Zumba it up. It's only 6 classes in January. I'll miss all the "CardioX" parts of p90x this month, and possibly the yoga days, though I think i might try to do the yoga anyway after I get home from Zumba.
Lord help me, I'm fat and lazy. Working out every day is going to be hard for me for the first bit. I miss the summer when I walked or jogged/ran every day. I cannot wait for walking weather... that and sunlight. It's overcast cloudy EVERY DAY here. There was a brief period of sun today and one day last week as the sun was going down. Makes me grumpy... Guess I'll just need to get extra sex, though this weeks workout schedule will make that difficult/painful... erg lol.
Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway. I hope you all had a great Monday. I'll ttyl. XOXO
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