It has begun

So i went for it and started ideal protein. The science behind it seems solid. It could potentially be yo-yo-esque. But I'm hoping it will launch me into some self control. This is a short term program, but longer than my "try not to binge for a night" which was not happening. My scale was sitting g at 218..... For a week. That's not water weight. That's fucking weight gain! My waist has expanded up to 35.5 inches. Not happy so it was time for a drastic change.

Here's how it's gone this week so far.
Monday - 218.6
Tuesday - 217.6
Wednesday - 216.4
Thursday - 213.6

That's solid. And this morning i think i hit ketosis. So the pounds should just keep sliding off. Walked with Hollee Mon and Tuesday and had batting practice. Wednesday night we had a ball game. So little bits of running here and there. I walk the stairs at the hospital on my breaks. Really i just want to go down to the cafeteria in case Mike is down there.

He wasn't there today because he has a pinched nerve in his neck and it gives him head aches sometimes. I was wondering why i didn't see him during lunch or my afternoon break.

Anywho, I'm tired and my tummy is bugging me again so it's bed time for me. Hoping to see another loss on the scale tomorrow morning but i did have a rather late supper... So we shall see.

Xoxo
Nessa

Small victories

Wednesday - 218.1

It's a small loss but I'll take it.

Mich - it totally was a sleeplesss night. Whenever I'm gassy and there's a man in my bed I wake up every time I have to fart  instead of just doing it in my sleep like I usually would. I may have even let one slip..... But then he moved and I was terrified he would wake up and know that I farted  hahahahah. He now has my stomach flu of death , poor guy.

Fuck the 3 day diet. I'm just trying not to binge :( it's  hard. So hard. Fuck. And my stomach is still a little off so this should be easy. But no. I eat like I'm some starving kid from Africa who hasn't seen food for years. I told Hollee that my stomach felt a little funny last week too and she insisted I buy a pregnancy test. Good thing it was negative cuz Mike caught whatever I had, and if he caught pregnant I'd be concerned.

Didn't binge out of control today. Hooray. Had a controlled amount of junk food. Walked with Hollee after work.

I'm so not sleepy :( It's midnight. I'm having a glass of wine. Way too late, i know. But baby steps. Fucking baby steps. Oh, stomach is detesting the wine. So half a glass was consumed.

Thursday 219.5 ....... What the fuuuuuuuuck? This is the opposite of what i want. Ugh. Going for a run tonight after my meeting which is after my walk with Hollee. How do i keep expanding? I should check my measurements in case it's muscle gain. But seriously Fuck me.

Friday - 217.6??!! Fuck you body, I hate you. I know how that happened though. I was sitting in my meeting at like 8pm thinking about all the food I was going to shovel into my throat hole when I got home last night, when Mike asked me if I wanted to come over. I went there instead of bingeing on Thursday night. Hooray. As a bonus, when I got there, he pretty much jumped me the moment I sat down on the couch. And  there's no such thing as a quickie for him, so lots of calories burned hahahah. Oh, and then again at like 2:30 in the morning. When his alarm went off at 7 this morning, needless to say I was not impressed...... Soooooooooooooooooooo tired. Ugh. And we have a ball game tonight. I hope he wants to hang out afterwards so that I don't go home and binge eat my way up to 250 pounds ........Oh wait, we're supposed to go to the Kinsmen/Kinette Beer Pong Tournament afterwards. Sweet. That means the strong probability of cuddles tonight but also shitty food :(. Mmmmm. man cuddles. Nothing is better. Not even baby cuddles, although those are prime too.

This weekend should be alright. Tonight we have ball and Beer Pong. Tomorrow morning I'm going to talk to a woman about the "Ideal Protein" weight loss system. It's basically the Atkins diet on steroids! My girlfriend lost 50 pounds last summer on it. Then she quit but didn't phase out and gained 30 back. Now she's doing it again, and has already lost those 30 pounds in 3 months. And that's without working out at all. It's not that I hate working out...... I just really have a hard time getting back into it. And I'm so embarrassed by my appearance that I don't want people looking at me jiggle as I run. Ugh. But I have ball games, and walks around the lake, and soon swimming in the lake, and I'd really like to start running again..... So it's not like I lead a completely sedentary life. I'm just so tired of being fat. I have great days, and the days I binged last week weren't even full blown binges, and they were on things like apples with peanut butter, and steel cut oats with nuts, and greek yogurt. It's not like I was loading a whole family sized bag of chips into my system. :( Hopefully this ideal protein thing works out. It's pretty strict though..... $90 a week for "protein packs" which consist of soups, shakes, puddings, and snacks; of which you eat 3 per day. Then you add 6-8  ounces of meat and 4 cups of veggies a day. Soooo what I was eating last summer..... except 0 carbs, and 0 sugar, and 0 cheat days. The whole system is based around putting your body into ketosis, which I know, I know, is unhealthy for prolonged periods of time, but I see myself being on it for 2 or maybe 3 months...... enough to drop 20 or 30 pounds.... maybe 40 if I'm feeling greedy... maybe 50 if it's going really wel. Anyway, it's still healthier than eating 500 calories per day. But I'm going to have to find somewhere to stash all the sugar/carbs in my house while I'm doing it. And lucky Mike.... He'll have an automatic Designated Driver for this whole time. The booze. That is going to be the hardest part. I love having a beer or two, getting that tipsy feeling, and being all stumbly with Mike. :) Or having a small glass of wine before bed.... and I have a significant amount of wine in my apartment currently. But I guess it's a choice. Stay fat, and struggle with my weight (why is this so hard this time??? I'm not that much older) for a summer of drinking, or make myself stick to something to change what's happening. I'm muffin topping hard in my jeans that fit so nicely a couple of months ago. I did find those jeans that didn't fit so nicely a few months ago, but that was a fluke, I just forgot that they were in my drawer.

Things that will be better when I'm not the size of a whale anymore (it ended up being 10.... coincidentally cliché. I like it):
1 - Yoga. Sometimes I huff and puff and my fat gets in the way of successfully and correctly holding a position.
2 - Sex.Right now, I avoid any position where he can totally see my body. I hunch over a lot, knowing that my ample bosom will obscure his view of my jiggly stomach, which I feel like is just getting bigger every day. When he looks down, I guide his face back up to mine. When I'm smaller, I love being on top.
3 - Cuddling. Mike likes to spoon. I think it's his favourite way to sleep with me. Right now, I always put his hand on my boobs or just under them because my giant gut rolls to the side, and I look/feel like Jabba the Hut, and who wants to spoon with Jabba the hut?
4 - Being active. I know this is ironic, but running down the beach, and playing in the water is way less embarrassing when you don't have to worry about your swim suit turning this way or that.
5 - Hot tubbing. When I forget my suit right now, there's only 1 pair of shorts that fits me, and one bikini top. Usually I put a t-shirt, or a tank top over that.
6 - Play fighting. I can tell that sometimes Mike wants to pick me up, and sometimes I want to jump on his back. If I weighed like 170 instead of 217, this would be a much more reasonable task. And whenever he looks like he wants to rough house with me.... I worry he's going to see me at the wrong angle and think I'm disgusting. I know, this list is putting a lot of emphasis on looking better for Mike, but it's not that way at all. If he weren't around, there would be other people I'd worry about the same things. And really it's for me, and my ability to be happy and love myself.
7 - Shopping. Less controlled by whether there's an XL available. Did you know most stores only order a couple XL items of clothes? I fit a Large in some things, but there are always a lot more Large and Medium sized items on a rack than XL.
8 - My Closet and dresser. Big clothes take up a lot of space. :( smaller clothes would leave room for more clothes!
9 - The beach. Need I say more.
10 - I will hate myself less. I'm working on loving myself, I really am, but it's oh so very hard when I know what size I'm happy at, and I'm not there. It's not even tiny. I don't require the size 0 that seems to be so widely pursued. At size 10 I feel PHENOMENAL, size 8 UNSTOPPABLE. And the one time, for a couple months when I hit size 6, I felt like the FUCKING BOMB DIGGITY.

I'll let y'all know about the Ideal protein, and the rest of my weekend laterz.

Alright. Time to get ready for ball.... or take a nap lol.
XOXO Nessa

Hiding from y'all - MEGA LONG POST

Last week was a shit show. I stopped measuring my food and counting calories by Tuesday. I had no intentional workouts. And I gained 4 pounds (some of that is from my binge last night). Oh yeah, and I binged at least 3 nights. Too ashamed to blog.....But there, I said it.

Last Monday - 215.3
This morning - 219.1 (I did poop A LOT after this, but didn't weigh myself)
I'm starting a "3day diet" today. Seems perfect for me, since that's about all I can commit to apparently :P

FUCK ME.

Well...... part of it was period stuff. I think. Hard to tell since I don't really get a full period, just some spotting (thank you Depo-provera).

But other than eating like a whore, my week really was splendid. I need to figure out the root of my eating issues.....find my ability to control and restrict myself.

Here's how the other parts of my life went: (I just realized that this shit goes way back to the previous weekened..... sooo I guess there are a few days of my life that you won't know exactly every move I made, or what I ate...... let's just pretend we were all blackout drunk) .... scratch that, they were pretty awesome days, so I'll give you some of the deets. Mostly it'll be me gushing about my boyfriend, who is adorable, and I fall more in like with him every day. :D Cheesy, I know, especially since I previously said "I don't really see this going anywhere". Ah well. I'm not fretting. Just enjoying. Holy crap!!! I didn't post anything about the Mini Golf tourney the weekend before either??!!! Well, just know that Mike was super sweet and chivalrous, like giving up his seat for me, the whole weekend, and we drank for 14 hours, and played beer pong in a sports bar, and I sang Karaoke (his suggesstion) at the sketchy bar (Fat Bottom Girls to be precise) and it was fantastic. Followed by a fantastic hangover for the Mr. and a slight one for myself. Anyway, I digress, onto discussions of last week.

Monday - Wednesday were boring. Well, I did yoga on Monday but then was a lazy shit the rest of the time..... and nothing exciting happened sooooo fastforward to ----->

Thursday:
Mike and I were supposed to go to his gym and he was supposed to show me make me do his killer leg workout because it was $1 drop in day...... so I got off work, and changed my clothes and was all ready to go, then he texted me "Sooooo I don't really wanna go to the gym. You should just come here and we'll work out at my place ;) ". How can I say no to that? So that happened, then we went for supper and shared food. Cue *aaaaaaaawe* sounds. :D We watched a movie after that, all cuddly and what-not. *sigh*

Friday:
Worked at the clinic, and then we had a ball meeting to vote on which jersey's we were going to wear this season. Hooray! Because I def did not have a jersey last summer. Mike and I shared a case of beer (it sounds like a drink a lot..... but I swear, I don't. Just lately......) I had 5 of the 15, and we shared the last one. He's so cutesy when he's had a couple beer. Like pinching my bum even if there are other people around, and making comments alluding to my awesomeness and bragging about me :D He is starting to really come out of his shell. In fact, he's starting to do the bragging and cuddly stuff when he's sober :D Gosh. This man. I dunno. I tell ya. Aaaaaaaaaaanyway, we left the ball meeting (Read: drinking in our team leader's garage) at 11ish, and decided it was soooo nice out we'd walk home. We walked around the lake, including the big ole staircase. It was so dark, it was hard to see where we were going, but he held my hand the whole time. We got pizza from Pizza Hut (yeah. We don't have a Tim Horton's or a Starbucks, but we have a Pizza Hut??) and walked to my place to chow down and have a sleep. Too drunk for sex lol. But not too drunk to cuddle :)

Saturday:
Got up. Mike went to the gym, I went to the driving range to hit some balls, and I didn't do too badly! Mike took me for a cruise down one of the back roads in his truck because he knows I like driving. It's so gorgeous up here. I wish I had been taking pictures the whole time. I took a couple pictures when we stopped at the top of a hill, but they really do not do the scenery justice. We got out at the end of the trail and walked around, he was all sweet holding my hand and helping me climb over logs. On the way back, we stopped at the spot where the creek goes over the "road" and I decided to walk in, because you can watch the fish swimming upstream, and OMFG a fucking fish jumped out of the water and fucking landed on my foot!!!!! I was screaming and flailing and jumped out of the water, he was killing himself laughing, but he did reach out to pull me to shore, like a proper gentleman. Got back to town, and he took me for ice cream, and we went home to cuddle and go to sleep. Mmmmmmm. Perfect day.

Sunday:
I woke up feeling kinda icky, and had gas all night. Ugh. Thought it was from the ice cream, even though I took lactaid...... Mike got up and went to the gym, I got up and tried to do stuff... but my stomach progressively felt worse :( We had ball practice at 2. Mike came to get me, and brought me pepto, which seemed to kind of help. I made it through an hour and a half of practice (I actually hit the ball!!! Go me!!) but sat on the bench for the last half hour because I felt like garbage. Ugh. Went home after, took a shower and a nap, because we had family BBQ out at the lake. Was not really feeling better when we went out there, and there were a couple waves of "OMG I'M GONNA DIE" but I toughed it out. He took me for a walk down by the creek and tried to show me how to spot fish in the water, he held my hand and helped me through the prickly bits and stood on a log with me, with his arm around me :) <3 <3 We were away from his family, but it's not like they couldn't look over and see us. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. :D Gah. This man is doing things to my brain.Went back to town after the weeny roast for some good old cards, except that when we got back to his place I started feeling just awful. :( I tried more pepto, I tried tums. Nothin'. I went and lay down in his bed, he brought me water and almond milk and came to check on me a couple times. They played cards in the garage while I wove in and out of a painful sleep. Pretty sure it was the stomach flu, and the cramps were astounding. I have not had so much pain since I was like 8 or 9. All day it hurt, but the evening was the worst. All day my stomach was distended, and not from the shitty eating I'd done all week, but from my actual organs being inflamed. EW. I wore a loose, flowy top to the BBQ and my stomach pretty much touched it. I tried to suck in, and it hurt. I touched my stomach and it hurt. UGH. When Mike was done playing cards, he came to bed and rubbed my back and held me ... awkwardly because it hurt for him to touch my stomach. But it felt better to have him there. He apologized when he got into bed and said he should have driven me home, but I said it was ok and that I felt better with him next to me.

Monday:
Mike got called into work. BOOOOO. But good for him, because it was a holiday, and double time and a half! He actually told the guy who called him in "I have to drive my girlfriend home", and people at the hospital know we're dating so we're all public and stuff! I didn't see him at all on Monday, but that's ok. I felt kinda crappy anyway (didn't stop me from binging though. FML) I watched a couple movies, and tried to do housework, but just felt kinda tired and sore still. And my upper body was killing me from hitting the driving range and batting practice, and my stomach was sore from the continual cramping it had just endured for like 12 hours. Mike texted me before he went to bed (this has become habit for him :) ) and I thanked him for a great weekend. So nice to see him every day for a good stint. :)

But now this week will go by super slow and kinda suck a little :( But ball season has started, and we have all kinds of games coming up, so I'll get to see him lots :) And I have a wedding to go to (that I haven't asked him to come to yet.... but really want him to arg.) And he has a wedding to go to in Calgary (which I haven't asked if I've been invited to.... because AWKWARD..... "Am I your date to that wedding?") but I'm pretty sure I saw him texting the groom a few weeks ago. What I think I saw was "Is this a special lady friend? or a girlfriend?" and then I stopped peeking because I didn't want to seem nosey or rude, but really I just want to go through his texts when he leaves his phone on the couch, and see what it was about!!! But I won't because I can't remember who he was messaging. And also, one time I found a message I was none too impressed with on Billy's phone, but Billy was a sketch bag, and deleted his texts every night.... who does that unless they're hiding something? He said it was to conserve memory, but texts take up very little space in a phone. Shady bastard. So glad to be rid of someone so phony. Sure he was charming, and all "Good morning beautiful" but he was also super unreliable, and who introduced me to "party favours"? That guy. Good riddance.

Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway. Hopefully this week will be better. Hollee and I are back to walking after work, and I have a ball game on Friday, and a possible practice tonight. If there's no practice, I'm going to go check out a kettle bell class. I've heard they're mega tough and super good for your metabolism etc.

Here are some pictures from the last couple weeks!

Someone in Grade 5 seems to have a crush on me.....

My "Prettified" beer bottle from mini-golf weekend. Mike wore this bracelet on his fingers for a good portion of the evening. :D Then it became the beer bottle decoration. Even better, when you pressed the heart, it blinked. I wish I'd taken a picture of his name tag adorning my pants..... but I broke it lol.

Again from last weekend at the sketchy bar. He made a stupid face, so I followed suit. Clearly we're destined to be together. :P

1 of the 2 pictures I took on our cruise on Saturday evening. This was before the fish hit me in the foot...... Those orangey looking things are  big ole rocks!