Doing this all over again

Hey everyone,

I haven't posted in..... well a very long time. I'm back up to 10 pounds shy of my highest weight :(

I have been thinking about not eating, and counting calories, and going back to the way I did it before.... which is hard when you're co-habitating with someone who actually loves you and doesn't leave you home alone all the time. I don't mean to sound ungrateful.... but how can I binge, and have laxi days, and starve myself when you're always around???!!!

Soooooo, I'm going to do this the healthy way. I found a site called Nerd Fitness.com and they're all about changing the way you think about food, and working out etc. I want to try lifting. I'm tired of doing workouts that I can barely manage at my current fitness level, then feeling shitty about it, instead of getting all those post-workout endorphins.

Currently, I work for 3 different school divisions substitute teaching, and now I've started picking up occasional overnight shifts in the Admitting department of our hospital, so not eating is not an option. Pretty sure I'd forget which school/job to go to. .... and I fucking love food. :( Plus, someday I want babies, and I don't want them thinking they're fat the way I always have (even when I wasn't) and having the issues I carry with me.

I'm not going to post on this blog, probably ever again, I'm afraid I'd just slowly meander toward old habits. So I've started a new blog. You can find me at http://nerdynessislosingit.wordpress.com/

It should be safe for anyone to read, I don't think there will be anything triggering in it.
If you want to email me, you can use my personal (like real person) email address vanessaunrau@gmail.com

I hope you're all doing fabulously.  I miss blogging, and reading about your lives, but I know myself, and I know I'd want to start logging the calories, and then I'd start cutting back here and there, and then I'd end up in the exact same rut. NO MORE. I'm doing this the healthy way. I will be strong. I will be fierce. I will be able to buy jeans any day, not just when I'm feeling ok, because it's too much of an ego blow.

I love you ladies so much, and I've learned a lot from the time I spent blogging here, but it's time to move on, and take care of myself.

So much news.

I have no excuses. I'm simply bad at keeping
, in touch.  And I've been hanging out with Mike a lot.  Hard to blog with your boyfriend around.

So.  Updates. 

Peri; you were right. it is way too soon to move in together. we both had started freaking out a little bit, but trying to hide it from the other lol. I told him I wanted him to ask me to live with him because he wants to have that experience with me, and not because something came up and it would be convenient. I also told him I was apprehensive because when I lived with Greg,  it was a horrible experience. He admitted he wasn't really ready either and boom.  Back to our normal fun relationship. :)

I'm currently maintaining my weight of 204 or 205 even though I'm not on Ideal Protein anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm going to gain a butt load of weight in the next couple of weeks though. this weekend is my birthday and a ball tournament, and next weekend Mike and his roommate and I are going to Calgary for that wedding. I'm going to try to eat good on both weekends but sometimes road trips are hard.

Mike has seen me cry now officially. we've been dating including the on/off part, for almost a year now (all serious for 4 months, though it feels like it's been longer), and in all that time he has never seen me cry. on Wednesday we hung out after a ball game, and we did that thing where we have sex like right before I go home which really irritates me because it makes me feel like a hooker. normally I would just be a little bit grumpy about it and point out that I really don't like this but my birthday is always hard for me because my mom was the only one in my family whoever gave a crap or remembered it. when he went to drive me home I started leaking from my eyes. he asked me what was wrong and would not stop until I told him. in fact he made me get back into the truck. He was so good about it, he didn't have his work clothes so he couldn't stay over but said he would come over the next night even though it was a work night. he said he wanted me to tell him when I'm feeling sad and not just hide it and he rubbed my back until I was feeling better and offered to do the chores I had put on hold. He always manages to surprise me I'm really not used to a man actually trying to make me feel better when I'm crying. sure Greg and Billy help me when I cried , but I always felt like they just want it to be over already. and they never offered to put sheets on my bed or move my laundry to the dryer or anything like that.

Enough about that though. mike is going with Layton after work to pick up my birthday card. I can't wait to see what they come up with.

I work at the clinic almost everyday now. at first it was nice, but my boss really sucks at her job and that makes it really hard to do my job efficiently. I'm keeping my eye out for something better in the meantime but this one is pretty sweet hour wise and seniority wise for me.

That's all for now, I'm on my way to work.

Love you all, sorry for not being better at this.
Xoxo Nessa

Whaaaaat....

Yes Peri.  Twas I with my bunny on a leash!

Also......  Le boyfriend just asked me to live with him......  Whoa. I'm excited but cautiously so. Ridiculously happy he wants to. I've dropped hints about getting a roommate to cut costs but I didn't think he liked me this much. :D I think we might go look at a house on Friday. Whoa. Just whoa.