Merry Christmas fuckers. ugh

A VLOG because I'm lazy.

I mentioned my weight in the beginning:
Christmas eve 218.2
But this morning it was back down to 212.6 THANK YOU BABY JESUS.

Sorry I'm hard to understand. My tonsils are ginormous, and I'd drank a shit tonne of beer, and cried a few hundred tears the night before. Also, the video is all wonky. my bad?

I haven't caught up on other blogs yet... I will. No worries :) Also. I decided today that I've been letting men and the possibility of men here hold me back from doing anything awesome with my life... so I'm applying to teach in the UK next school year. Terrifying. Goin' it alone. If I go. I'm kind of a wuss so I'm interested to see what happens.

Anywho. Love you all bitchez. XOXO
I'm Fucking Single as Hell. But not quite ready to mingle.
Nessa

Christmas eve-eve

Sunday - Tuesday. 3 posts in one!

212.9 FUCK YES. That's progress. (Saturday morning)

Today I have eaten minimal foodage.

I am going to post a ranty vlog I recorded when I got home Saturday night. It's mostly bitching about Mike lol. I'm druuuuuuuuuuuuunk. I haven't watched it, I don't want to.  . . I also don't want to weigh myself. I hit it pretty hard on Sunday and then didn't restrict the way I should have Monday and Today. Anywho, here's the video

Or not. . . apparently youtube deleted it because it was too long.Well essentially I talked about how boring the Hospital party was and how Mike wasn't replying to my messages, though there isn't any reception in the hall I was in. Then guess who showed up at 1:30? Mike. After I ranted about how stand-off-ish he'd been that week. He texted me "hey" at like 1:20. then "I'm walking home from the Hooter. what are you up to?". By then I was sleeping. So he called me, and was like:
Mike What are you up to?
Nessa Being drunk
M - me too.
N - nice blabitty blah
M - so I'm outside co-op
N - like across from my apartment?
M - yeah
N - do you want to come into my apartment?
M - is that ok?

So turns out there was a cab when he was walking out of the Hooter, and decided he should come here. Which I think I'm ok with. I just don't want to only be a booty call. If we're in a relationship, by all means, bootycall away. Anyway, he came over and sat on my couch and we just talked for half an hour ish. And then i was like i'm tired... bedtime.

Longest night of my life. Kat came home pretty much the moment we got into bed. I came out to say hi, and let her know that Mike was over. Then . . . we pretty much had sex all night. Like we'd go at it. Get tired. Fall asleep. Wake up an hour later.... go at it again. This continued until like 10am. Yeeeesh. I was sooooo tired on Sunday at choir. We were recording, I was dying. I took 2 caffiene pills with a redbull. Went to Tim and Hollee's to watch Dexter afterwards... I was almost passing out the whole time. Went to bed at like 10 (super early for me)

Last night, Kat and I had a couple joints... we got right loopy. It was hilarious. :)

This evening I went over to Mike's. I thought we should talk. So I get there and instead of talking, we put on Game of Thrones.Gah. He was still standoffish when i got there. He didn't cuddle up with me, or hold my hand, or put his hand on my leg. It was like we were back to the first time i went to watch a movie with him, and we didn't touch.fruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuustrating.  After the third episode I'm like

Nessa - Are you ok?
Mike - yeah why?
N - you've just been really standoffish this week
M - I didn't think i was
N - well you pretty much stopped initiating conversations or hangout time. and you didn't reply to my texts on saturday, and then you just showed up at my house. I'm not mad that you came over, but you could have replied to my messages.
M - Oh
N - have you lost interest in me, or is something bothering you? Are you worried about something?
M - I don't think so.
N - are you worried that because it's the holidays i'm going to force you to do super coupley things?
M - (he laughs) no
N - ok good. because i'm not.



So end of the night, he walks me to the door and kisses me. I go to turn away after 1 kiss, but he pulls me back, puts his hand on my waist and keeps kissing me. After that was done, I looked at him and said "if something is bothering you, or you need space, you have to tell me" he said ok. and looked sincere. He let me out and said, "have a good week". Tuesday is pretty much his only free evening in the week. I'll leave him be tomorrow. Maybe I'll ask him how pool was on Thursday. or maybe i'll give him space and text him on friday?  I dunno what to do. Grr. It's not a huge deal, but i don't wanna freak him out. men are like deer. skittish.

Anywho. that's my last few days. Permanently recorded on the interwebs.
XOXO
Nessa

FRIDAY!

Post #100 on this blog! Wooooohooooo!

213.2. Good. Positive change! Thank god.

This is what I've eaten today:
I bought a muffin at the coffee shop this morning. :( Booo to my willpower. It was lemon poppyseed. Their lemon anything is always amazing. Arg. anyway, ate it on my 25 minute drive to school
at school:
2 cups dry cheerios (? I didn't measure, just put  a bunch in a container. And I didn't finish that container)
2 apples
1/4 cup of cottage cheese
when i got home:
2 slices of multigrain toast with honey
1 slice of multigrain bread with 2 slices of ham and some cheese.

Texted Mike to see if he wanted to hang out tonight,

Went grocery shopping with the roomie, had a handful of wine gums, and two spoons of the coconut Mediterranean yogurt I bought. OMG it's soooooo so soo soooo good. I wanted to eat the whole tub. I just had two more spoonfuls. Could be worse. Now I'm cuddled up with a diet pepsi and some celery. I was going to have "cheat day" tomorrow, but now I'm worried that it will leak into Sunday and that there won't be enough binge free days between to establish the pattern. So here's the plan for tomorrow:

10am go to choir rehearsal. Purchase extra large coffee and bottle of water on the way. Roomie is making taco soup right now. I will have a bowl of that for lunch tomorrow at choir rehearsal.Then, I'm going to shower and make myself pretty. Maybe I'll take a nap first. Tomorrow night is the Hospital's staff party, and I'm Hollee's date until Tim gets there. Mike works at the hospital, but I didn't ask him if he was going. If he does, it will be a pleasant surprise :) At the party there will be appetizers and booze.

Sunday will be my cheat day. I'm planning already. Sugary cereal, tuna melts, possibly pizza, probably some McDonald's before choirs recording session. I plan on being sufficiently hung over on Sunday morning. Question though; if it's a planned over-eating, do I count that in my "Binge free days" counter? Like does that ruin my count, or should I only count unscheduled food days?

Sorry I've gone from not posting at all to posting daily. But I'm pretty sure this is what works. I can track my food and my weight and my life all in one little box. :)

Anywho, bed time for me. XOXO Nessa

no loss, no gain

Ok. I got up and weighed myself.... 215.4 FUUUUCK. Oh then I peed. Back down to 214.9. Thank god. I feel backed up though. I need a good laxie day. Not sure when it'll be safe to have another one.

I ate all my school food throughout the day minus one orange. I spent all day circulating through the classroom. Much more fun than when I sub for high school and basically just sit there. I absolutely love that little school! Anyway, came home from work starving. I had 2 rice cakes with one of those little cans of flavoured tuna on it. then I had a small apple with natural peanut butter, and then I was still hungry, so 2 more rice cakes, with a little cheese melted on them. I was done eating at 6.Baby steps back to the point of major restriction. I think if I just jump back down to eating nothing, I'll binge HARDCORE.... I should be able to fend of snacking for the rest of the night. I have a rehearsal at 7, and then Kat and I are going to her ex's to get her keyboard so we can learn audition material.

That's right. I'm auditioning for the community's production of Chicago! But I need to lose a fuck load of weight before the show, sooooo it's time to majorly restrict. No more toppings. More celery. No butter on air popped popcorn. Once this peanut butter is gone, that's it. I should throw out my jam like I did last time, but I'd feel kinda guilty since there are 2 almost full jars. I'll just only eat in front of people and only when I have to. Tomorrow I'll pack a meager lunch and this will work. I'm reading through old entries of mine, when I was super restrictive, and how well it worked. Let's do THAT again!

11:00 And I have managed to not eat anything since I ravaged my cupboards when I got home from school. I can feel my stomach getting mad at me. Hoorah. There were a couple of hours where it was sooooooooooooooooo hard not to go get something from the kitchen, but reading through old blogs has been really helpful.God I was soooo organized. Need to get back to that place. and figure out where I can run or something... Hard to do in winter, but i'll figure something out.

Alright, I can do this. and the scale better reinforce this tomorrow morning!!!!
XOXO
Nessa

I did not binge

I did end up eating 3/4 cups of multigrain life and a tablespoon of natural peanut butter and a glass of wine.

Weighed myself this morning. I want to die. 214.9???!!!?!?!?!? How the fuck did I gain 2 pounds in a week???!?!? Fuuuuuuuuuuuck my life. That's it. Back to weighing myself every morning. Gotta get a hold of this shit.

Today I have eaten:
1/2 cup steel cut oats for breakfast with splenda and coco powder and an orange
skipped lunch (had 2 mandarin oranges from the staff room at recess)
for dinner i had 4 rice cakes and a can of spicy peanut satay tuna
a spoonful of cottage cheese while making my lunch for tomorrow
2 squares of 75% cocoa
Snack - 2 stalks of celery and 2 pieces of multigrain toast with raw honey
That is all. I'm drawing the limit. I have a nice tall glass of crystal light in front of me, anything more must be celery or tea, or water. I've kicked my diet cola habit, and have been pounding back the water.

Tomorrow I'll probably only eat lunch since I packed a  big one. I'm subbing in a town 25 minutes away tomorrow, and people look at you strangely when you sit down in a staff room and don't eat. . .  Tomorrow's lunch will consist of one sandwich with 3 thin slices of ham, low fat may, a couple slices of marble cheese, and pickles. 3 rice cakes, a small container of cottage cheese (like 1/4 cup or less), an apple and then I packed 2 oranges as a just in case since I'll probably want a snack at morning recess, hence 1 orange. and if my tummy is grumbly at afternoon recess i'll have the other orange. BAM plan.

I was going to ask Mike to come watch a movie at my place, since I have a room mate free night (possibly the last for a while) but he has a Kinsmen meeting. That makes him sound like an old man.... but a lot of the guys in Kinsmen Club are around his age. They pretty much get together and drink beer and get drunk. It's the married men of the town's time away from their wives. I came up once, when I got lost on my way home from my dr.s appointment in a town 4 hours away. Mike had a good laugh. There are only 2 turns to get home from Prince Albert. Actually, if I relayed half of the things Mike said, you'd probably think he was an old man. I frequently call him a grumpy old man because he complains about things like the coffee line at the cafeteria and the kids next door. It's adorable. To be fair, the kids next door played "carwash" with rocks on his truck this summer. Hahahahahha. I try hard not to laugh at that, but really, it's kinda funny.

Anywho. I'm out for the night.
Lots of love
XOXO Nessa

Tuesday - I will not binge, I will not binge, I will not binge

Didn't weigh myself this morning. Still too scared. Last night I fucking did it again. Fucking stuffed my face.

Peridot - Thanks for your comment. It's reeeeeeeeeeeeeally shitty that paypal is being so douchnozzley :( Corporate bastards

Rio - I can't comment on your posts!!!!

Today is better. I had an orange and 1/4 cup steel cut oats with sugar twin and cinnamon.
Skipped lunch
Supper - Had a steak and cheese sub from subway and a bag of baked chips
Snack - 2 pickles

This is all I plan to ingest today. If I get hungry I'll eat another orange. But I'm considering myself cut off. I finished dinner at 6pm. That's a good time to stop eating I feel.

Today was a pretty boring day. I didn't get called to work in the morning, so I slept in. Got up at 9ish. Lay around, did nothing. Finally got my act together around noonish. Finally ready to run some errands, and I got called to sub phys ed for the afternoon. Which is fine and dandy, but I had errands to run! So I went. Subbed phys. ed with no sub plan. Erg. I hate that. I know I can wing it, but I shouldn't have to! I'm not paid to prep and plan. If you want me to plan my own day, pay me my damn salary wages (which was twice as much as I currently make as a sub). I have no problem planning, and doing report cards and all the other things that go along with teaching... but only if I'm getting paid to do it. I do enough volunteer work that I don't need to do it there too. Anywho. We did "buddy run". It's genius. Students pair up. I set the clock for 8 minutes. then they run laps. And when they get tired they tag out with their buddy. Buddies count each others laps. Genius. I do nothing (I would have run with them, but I forgot to put on my sports bra because it was a last minute call in. I'm happy I remembered to change from jeans to yoga pants). Anywho, grade 1's did that. Grade 4's played dodgeball, and I made one class do 1 8 minute round of buddy running because they were all wound up. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

UPDATE: So my aunt was apparently sick, and my cousin just put on Facebook "God bless aunty Susan" and I texted her to ask if she was ok. Apparently not. Apparently she has pneumonia,and is expected to pass away tonight. Thanks giant family (60+ people) for telling me.

And it's now 10:17pm. And I wanna eat sooooo so soooooo bad. Bah. I ate some dino-sour candies. Damnit. Well it's better than the popcorn i made myself last night with loads of butter. Gonna go make myself some tea to distract my bingey brain. Wish me luck.

Monday is a time for fresh starts

Don't know how much I currently weigh. But I feel gross (what's new). But this will not be another Debbie-Downer post.

This weekend was alright. Friday I didn't work I ate not bad. Had a choir dress rehearsal at 6. That dragged on foreeeeever. 6:45 and we still weren't on stage rehearsing. I hate that. We got on at 7. Rehearsed until 8:50. Went to Mike's to watch a movie after. Clayton texted me "Hi". I ignored it. Mike said "Holy Hollywood" because people are always texting me.I just said it wasn't anyone saved in my phone, because I deleted Clayton's number. But i still recognize it when i see it, can't take that out of my brain. But enough of him for now. Back to Mike. He's such a sweetie. Holding my hand and trying to put his ice pack on me all flirty like. We go to bed, he pulls me up close and trails his fingers down my sides and my back.Mmmm. Such a sweet heart. It's like he can't get enough kisses. :) In the morning he tries to put his cold water bottle on me, saying he's "sneaky" he's really not. :P But I let him think he is.

Saturday, we woke up early, but only got out of bed at 11ish. Went for lunch, his room mate and his best friend met up with us (I didn't know they were coming) I know the other two guys pretty well, so it wasn't awkward or anything. When the bills came, the waitress gave the room mate and best friend separate bills but put Mike and mine together. I snatched it up and put it in front of me on the table. We all sat around talking for a while after. When they were finally like, well shall we go? I looked down and the bill was gone. Mike looked at me and winked and mouthed the words "I'm sneaky" to me haha. I ate like shit all day Saturday. Then we had the choir concert. Went to a friends house after that. A bunch of us played a game called "Things". Went home at 3am... BINGE CITY.

Sunday was choir concert number 2. Then there was a church dinner thing. Went, with some friends. Last year, the music portion was really phenomenal because there were a few families from South Africa who were really musically talented. Those families have moved. But the evening was MUCH shorter as a result. Ate like a fucking pig at the dinner, and then after too. Ugh. Took a few laxies when I got home.

Today: No school today, it's a report card writing day for the teachers, therefore no sub work. Fuck me. :( This means no money for me. I applied for repayment assistance for student loans. I should get the paperwork by Wednesday. My car payment bounced this month... twice. I don't know why they tried twice. Anywho, I had my budget down to the penny. Usually if a payment is scheduled to come out on the same day as I'm supposed to get paid, it balances out. Apparently not this time. So there goes $90 (2 nsf charges) of my last paycheque. Oh and then something else did the same thing. Another $45. Everything seemed to balance. My netflix had come out of my account. Everything else was running smoothly, so I bought groceries  and paid bills until there was nothing left. Oh and then... paypal decides to take money out of my account... like 3 days after they say it was successfully taken out the funds, so guess what? Another $45 charge. That's almost $200 in charges when I can't even afford to pay my bills as it is. I need to find $75 to get my Manitoba teaching certificate transferred over to Saskatchewan so that I can teach in the town just over the border. It's actually closer to me than the school on the other side of town or the high school haha. Oh, and I have to pay $10 and go get a criminal background check. Oh... I should mention, Clayton texted me again last night. I asked him what he was hoping to get out of texting me. He didn't reply until this morning. I basically said I wasn't impressed with him and that he left me feeling used and manipulated. Then I said by the way i'm seeing someone now, so you don't need to text me, since we won't be hooking up anymore.

Anywho, it's gloomy inside and out :( I'm gonna go curl up with some knitting i think.

Love you all XOXO Hope your monday's have been more exciting than mine!