Thursday (which i stretched into Sunday morning somehow...)

Alrighty, 3 new followers? Yeesh, You guys (though you're probably gals, let's be politically correct here) are making me blush. :)

Weight: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA..... but the running is making me want to eat like a machine. .... Right now I'm kind of letting it happen.... I told my aunt during a heart to heart that I "used to" eat 500-800 calories per day.... and that's how I lost the first 20-30 pounds. She's doing this cleanse and shake program that you can only purchase through a doctor and dietician, but she is also rather large (like over 300 pounds). She totally understood though, apparently eating issues run in our family, only they're normally in the form of binge eating disorder, which I'm pretty sure I already have... ugh. There is NO winning.

My period has been spotty for the last week.... and then this morning it decided to be a real period! Like pinnochio (sp?).... except less phallic and definitely less fun. :P I have cramps like my fucking uterus is fighting to get out of my body. JUST STAY THERE. You need to nourish babies ... someday... in a while, because ya know, I'm starting over from scratch in the whole "life partner" "husband" "family" department. Fuck lol.

Things with the boy are rolling steadily along. We text pretty much all day and drunk dial each other on weekends. His countdown to my return will be at 18... but mine is 17. I'm coming home a day early to surprise him! Hopefully he'll want to spend the day together, now thatI'll be home on his day off (He has Sunday's and Mondays off). I'm awesome like that. I'm planning on arriving bearing cookies, and cheese from Winnipeg, because I'm awesome like that. I miss him. I know that I haven't known him that long, but I feel like we've known each other forever. I thought he would move on while I'm gone, but he DID say he would leave the "movie watching position" open. Yesterday in a conversation I told him I refuse to be a naggy girlfriend, and he didn't skip a beat. Which is good, I think I just labelled myself his girlfriend. I hung out with Eric (my massage therapist friend, who has my puggy) and I described the situation to him. He said "it sounds like you have a boyfriend, but maybe he doesn't know you do... and I'm betting that it's the same on his end". So I guess I have a boyfriend? It's official? We are going camping (I think just the two of us) the weekend I come back. Well not that one, but the one after. OMG he's just soo adorable. He likes to do dishes (the biggest fight of Greg and my domestic life together), he's organized, he has already thought about what he needs to do so we can go camping. He's going to clean all the fish we catch... and he's also agreed to pull mine out of the water for me, because a wiggly fish makes me scream... *wink* bahahaha, did you catch that? Let me say it again... "A WIGGLY FISH MAKES ME SCREAM". God I can't wait to go back and have amazing sex. And it will be, it's almost time stopping. .... the first time, I couldn't even think after, and I had (half) a cigarette. He said "what? Did I screw you stupid?" to which I answered "yup".... and he said "good. That's what I was going for". Oh yeesh. I'm getting shivers up my spine just thinking about it. When I think about  kissing him, or looking him in the eyes, or the way he runs his fingers through my hair as I'm falling asleep, or how he pulls me onto his chest when I'm falling asleep. The way he so nonchalantly got me to snuggle with him the first time... ok, tangent. I'll tell you the story. So the second time I went to watch a movie with him, he picked Insidious... the preview alone made me jump. (funny, he tried to put on a scary movie the day before, but it was a b-list film, so it ended up being funny instead). Like 45 minutes into it,  I was still having my own little freak outs, curling up in a ball... him probably trying to figure out why I wasn't jumping into his arms (he asked at the beginning of the evening "you're not one of those girls who is going to jump into my lap are you?" probably hoping that i'd say something like, "I might be" but instead I said, nope, you have nothing to worry about... ahhahahahahahah. I'm bad at reading signs lol). A couple of times he said "are you going to be ok?" until FINALLY he said "come here" and pulled me onto him. :) *swoon* I miss the snuggles. I know that I really haven't known him that long, but I really feel like I love him. On Friday I texted him saying he was going to love the cookies I am bringing back for you and he said I'm going to love you when you get back. SIGH. I seriously have so many feelings for him... and they all make me smile. He told me that this was different for him, and that he stayed up until 3am talking to his Mom about how he fucks relationships up. He told me if he starts acting like an asshole I should slap and tell him to snap out of it. He also said his Mom told him to really not fuck this up, and that I'm super nice, and maybe he'll get lucky with me. I think he's pretty much landed me, and I definitely confirmed that last night. ... and oh boy am I going to tell you the story.

Soooo a couple of weeks ago I went to a hockey social. It was a fucked up night that involved Barry's brother hitting on me, and his friend trying to hit on me... and me drunk dialing new-boy... who has a name and I shall use it now. :) The Boyfriend :).  drunk dialing Boyfriend and hiding out in the parking lot in my car, then talking to him on the phone for another 2 and a half hours once the creepies had left roomie's apartment. Well last night I met up with some girlfriends from elementary/jr high. We had dinner and went to the casino. Then the girls wanted to go see male strippers. They couldn't find any so they decided we would go to Teasers, and they told me it was remodelled and more of a night club then a strip club now... but guess what... it was still a strip club. So i texted Barry to see if he wanted to go dancing. He invited me over for a beer before hand, so I went. We ended up watching football and going to the karaoke bar. I was dressed to go dancing because that's what i  thought I'd be doing with my girlfriends... the boobs were out for sure. Well. I kinda thought that because I dated Gerard, and they're really good friends, Barry was like a "safe zone". But nope. There was a girl there who wanted to sleep with him, she was definitely intimidated by me like the moment I walked in with him. Her first comment to me was "I like that dress, wow, you have big boobs" I was just like... ummm thanks. I worked hard for them? I should also mention I had a few drinks last night, and I am a naturally flirty person, but after a drink or two I get suuuuuper flirty. I agree to drive other girl home because she declined the ride her friend was going to give her,  so she could stay and do whatever lol. I don't know.... I gave her  a ride partway home and then drove back to Barry's house. He just kinda made it easy to go back to his place, no awkward, so I'm assuming we're still on the just friends path. We sit and watch SNL. He asks me about my locket at one point, I thought he was going to try to kiss me... but he didn't. I didn't really want him to, so that's a good thing. But then like 20 minutes later he says, "fuck it, I'm going in for it" and totally plants one on me. And ya know what I felt? NOTHING. I mean, he's all muscley and attractive and successful, and I just didn't want it at all. So I pull away and I'm all "non nonononono. I really can't do this" and he's kinda thrown off because I didn't tell him I was seeing someone. I didn't think Barry would even try anything, so why would I bring it up? Gah. He was so hot. but nothin. All I could think about was driving straight through to Flin Flon and running up to Boyfriend's room and crawling into bed with him. I left and came home. I was looking forward to a drunk phone call from boyfriend but when he says "I'm probably going to be out late" he means like 6am late lol. I went to bed. What a fucked up night. Oh. I just got a text from him, he crashed at his cousins place.

I just want to go home and kiss him all over, get some good loving and spend a whole day in bed. 2 weeks from now I will be driving back and things will settle into normalcy. In Flin Flon, the only person who tries to sleep with me is Boyfriend. :D For goodness sakes, his text messages make me all fluttery. Then I think about kissing him and I get this pull somewhere between my belly button and my lady bits. And when I let my mind wander a little bit further and think about the more intimate moments we've had, I literally have to squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head a little to stop thinking about it. It's not that I don't like to think about it, but usually these moments come while I'm driving, and that could be dangerous on the road.

O oo ooo OOoo. So ya know how like 3 paragraphs ago i said i was going home a day early to surprise Boyfriend? well I was talking about coming home and saying I had a sneaky surprise... and he said he also had a sneaky surprise and needed to know EXACTLY when I would be home, like down to the hour.... after some playful banter I told him I couldn't tell him because I'm sneaky like that, but eventually decided to sacrifice my sneaky plans for his. It's ok. I'm bringing home a picnic basket with deliciousness in it. I am not sure if he has some kind of food thing planned, but if he doesn't I have got the backup plan. ;) And Monday, I've been promised a do nothing day. I am hoping it involves being lazy, playing cards, eating in bed and generally just doing nothing together. Gerard and I used to have those once in a while at the lake, but Greg never wanted to. Eventually (like at 10 or 11am) Greg would get up and be angry that I let him sleep the whole day away. Sometimes i would lie very very still tying not to wake him up so that we could spend time just lying in bed together. Not optimal, because, a know, we weren't actually spending time together, but I just wanted that quality time sooo bad I was willing to pretend it was happening. Somehow, even though we were up at 8 or 9 every morning there was always a to do list. Never did we just relax and just be together. I cannot express how ridiculously excited i am to come home to Boyfriend. I'm a bad influence on him :) He's not a planning kind of person, but he's making all these plans. Plans for a do nothing day, plans for a camping trip, plans for the run in October. Yup. we're making plans. I love making plans and lists. I made a list of positive qualities that Boyfriend possesses, and on the reverse I made a prose (oops. English minor slippage there) and cons list of dating him. I had a few cons but they weren't about him at all. Things like me worrying about my "issues" infecting our relationship. Like my abandonment issues (which I really think were just not trusting Greg and being upset when he would say he'd be somewhere/call me/come home and then not...) my "food issues" which so far won't come up, and even if we lived together, he'd NEVER know unless I told him. I get up before him and he comes home from work way later than me. Other issues? My depression... that is something I do need to tell him about. He knows I have been on medication for it, but it was a more casual conversation. ... though he does remember most of the things i tell him, even when I'm babbling. he remembered that my puggy's name is Penelope. :D

Anywho. enough babble and cheesy romance for me. Time for me to roll out to Moot. It's 2pm and I have to tell Thrym that I won't be coming to the Gimli event. ... Arg. He's going to be so disappointed. But i can't please everyone, and I need to go to the new teacher orientation.... That and I miss Boyfriend. And his dog. I miss physical contact that makes me feel special and connected to someone. I need a hug that means something from a good friend, and a snuggle and a kiss from the boy I'm about to love.

Why did I come back here?

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE POSTED ON AUGUST 3!! STUPID ;LAKGJ987QQ5(&&*%%D#UIYIOUOUGJH**** BLOGGER....

Sorry you're going to get a double on account of stupid blogger.

Really... I lost a follower? Hahha. Must have been the strong warning last post. Oh well. But I'm all caught up on blogs now!

Life is less exciting at the moment than it has been previously, but I'm slightly thankful. It can't be GO GO GO all the time right? Also, the calming probably has something to do with new-boy.... and all his sweetness.

I left my scale in Flin Flon, so I have no idea how much I weigh. I did week 5 - day 1. It went REALLY well. I am actually starting to enjoy my running time. About fucking time too, I've been committed to this process for like 7 weeks. I think I'm going to try to step it up....maybe run every other day regardless of what day it is. This will shift my training up to the end of August (if I can actually follow through for once) which would give me the long weekend/camping event to "rest" and then i might try to train for a 10k. Depending on when the run in October, I should have juuuuuuust enough time to train up. Or I can train and just do a 5k anyway, though I think new-boy is doing the 10k.

I feel very fat most of the time right now. I see myself in the mirror and think ew. I think it's just because I haven't had any drastic changes lately, though all along they haven't really seemed drastic to me.  I know that what I've accomplished so far has been relatively fast, but I've felt mostly gross the whole way... unless someone is complementing me. *sigh* I'm such an attention whore.

Alright, enough downer talk. I'll update you on my city trip so far, it's been mildly entertaining.  I got here on Sunday. There was a "pity party" for those who couldn't attend the event in Pennsylvania. Drank lots of mead, got very drunk. Went for a "life talk walk" with new roomie and Norm from the Barony, who is surprisingly fun! Way more fun than I thought he was. Granted I've only ever  hung out with him with Greg and Greg is the anti-fun. Life talk walk was mostly roomie talking, and then interrupting my talk time. :( Anyway. Got back to the party house and the guy who owns the house walks out of his bathroom stark naked. I mean, he was trying to get me to sleep with him pretty bad... but that was just over the top. I can't sleep with fat men... When i was with Gerard, and he got fat, his stomach resting on me, or touching me during sex GROSSED the fuck out of me. Touching Bryce made me feel ill I was even grossed out by my own stomach touching people during sex when I was super heavy. But this guy... picture this:

 

 But without the upper arm muscles and the beard is red, and the gut is bigger.... That is what tried to have sex with me. Ugh.

Monday was a nice relaxing day. I can't even remember what I did it was so relaxing. I hung out with my childhood friend Murray. Tuesday I babysat, got hit on while driving in my car and it wasn't even 9am. Some guy in a construction truck (kinda cute) said good morning and i smiled and waved. He yelled out his window that I made his day... lol. After work went to buy a book for new-boy. :) He asked, i said i would :D he said I'm awesome, i agreed.

Today I had a day off. Went to the Farmer's Market. Brought the roomie. Then went to look at cars with her. The car sales agent the desk over was this cute black guy. During one of our trips between her agents desk and the waiting area we walked in on him doing the robot, and i teased him for it, because i'm a huge flirt. The next time we walked by he said "hey ladies, do you wanna do the robot with me?" we politely declined on the grounds that we don't know how... and went to walk away, and he said "seriously though, i like your glasses." hahah. Now one of my SCA friends is trying to convince me to drop my number off at the dealership. I highly doubt that will happen

Lappy be dead.

So I dropped my laptop... but no worries. I'm up to speed on all of your blogs :D Sooooooo... life and stuff. Huh. I wish I could do a vlog but I'm on the girl I'm crashing withs super old Mac iBookG4, so no webcam.

Hello follower number 45. Are you new? Or are you the last number 45, come back because you can't resist my charm?

Weight: I have no idea... I've been weighing myself while babysitting.. but it's usually after lunch and wearing all my clothes. UGh. Not accurate at all. I just need to find somewhere I can sneakily weigh myself naked before I even get dressed..... OCD YES. At Folk Moot yesterday HE Thrym told me I was looking very slim... and another girl was talking about snuggling up on a park bench with me and said "We're both pretty slim, we'd fit no problem" she is way thinner than me, but it felt nice for people to notice.

I'm in the city babysitting for my aunt... I frickin' miss new boy. :( He misses me too. We have been texting the whole time I've been gone, and we drunk called each other every night this past weekend. He just says the cutest things. I have let a few other boys in the city down. Sax guy invited me over last night, I told him nothing could happen because I have someone... He said "well that was fast" and I told him it's not my fault I'm prime real estate. I can seriously feel myself falling in love with new boy .... jeepers. It feels so normal and natural. I like it, I like it a LOT. :D On Saturday while we were texting I told him I missed him, he said " :) just come home" followed by "I know babe... I can wait, well worth it" Seriously such a sweety. I woke up sick and he said if I were there he would bring me soup and have a lazy day with me. I just have this huge grin on my face every time he texts me. And it's all the time. I'm glad we're apart for a month. It lets me miss him and appreciate him, which you're all thinking is crazy because we were only "together" for a week before I left. But seriously. It doesn't even matter. This is no rebound. Besides, my parents had (still have, even though Mom isn't with us anymore) this epic love. and I mean EPIC in the proper sense of the word. So large that it's too big for reality, and belongs in the tales of the Norse and myths of the Greeks. This is their story:

Mom went to a private school for high school, waaaaaaaaay out in Gretna Manitoba (google it).... strange... new boy's sister goes to the same school... even though she grew up in Flin Flon haha. strange coincidence. anyway. Mom graduated and lived with her abusive boyfriend, bouncing back and forth between his place and her parents. mom worked at a restaurant in a hotel. Her best friend and some other people, including best friends brother (my dad) used to come visit her and get coffee/beer while hanging out with her at work.... Mom had a crush on dad, Dad had a MAJOR crush on mom. One day mom decided she needed to get out of Winkler. Dad offered her a place to stay in the city. She accepted, after all, it's her best friends brother, must be safe right? She gets to his apartment... it's a one bedroom. Even better... there is already someone sleeping on his couch. SO she HAS to sleep in his single bed with him....... hahaha. Go dad! He's never really had a serious girlfriend. Mom told me once when I asked that nothing happened...for the first little while anyway. About 6 weeks after she moved in with him, things must have been serious, because he asked her to marry him and she said yes! They were young, she was only 19 and he was only 23 and they had nothing. Court house wedding, my mom wearing a white sundress with little pink flowers on it, but they were seriously in love. When you know, you just know. Their love is the kind of love I want to find. They had kids young too. I was born when she was almost 20. But they made it. We were never rich or anything, actually we were dirt poor, but Mom always made sure that I didn't know. And she was my best friend, from about when I was 10. My sister and I would buy her "best friend forever" stuff.  Later, my sister and her drifted apart, because she liked to rebel, but my mom and I grew closer than ever. In university I knew I could call her at 1 in the morning freaking out about a paper, or being unsure about Gerard. And she always knew what to say, not soley to appease me but to give me the advice I needed in a way that I would appreciate.

That is what I want. This is something I think I can find in my new relationship. I know it sounds like I'm putting a lot of hope into it. I'm not. Just a lot of thought. I am holding back a lot, because I don't want it to not be real, but there's this secret corner of my heart that knows that when I'm ready I'll let his light shine into that spot, and I won't feel empty anymore.