Laxies. blarg

Had a laxie day last Friday.. gained weight afterwards. :( Last night I took 2 (as opposed to the 6 I normally take) and they kicked it like 6 hours later, and are just finishing their trek through my system. 192.1 this morning. Really???? How do laxatives make me gain weight???!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUCK. Oh well. I'm too stressed pulling together my two  (TWO) Christmas concerts next week. Monday... who the fuck schedules a concert for a Monday? I have kids who want extra rehearsals, and extra help, and I don't have enough hours to fit it all in. I have to make programs and make sure everything is on the stage in time for the dress rehearsals. FUCK MY LIFE> THIS IS SO RIDICULOUSLY STRESSFUL. If you're thinking of becoming a music teacher, and you're not absolutely in love with teaching small children music... don't fucking do it. I just want to eat everything all the time. I'm so stressed out I'm having that breathing problem I had when I was stressing about Greg.  Oh well. Concert Monday, concert Wednesday, and Thursday is the last day of school until January 9th. Christmas with Billy's family, and then they leave for Cuba on Boxing Day (December 26). Fuck. Then I have a week to be sad, wallow in self pity, sleep in Billy's bed with his dog, not eat. I'm going to do pilates every day that he's gone in hopes I can drop a few inches before he comes home. Maybe I'll try P90X again... and hope it doesn't kill me. I really need to do something. He's going to be on a beach with fucking slim women in bikinis for a week.... I'm going to have to do something drastic. And it's waaaaaaaaay to fucking snowy/cold to run here. I walk down main street on weekends but the cold makes me lazy so anything further is in the car.


In other news, I got a Christmas card from Mich!!!! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! And I'm sending those darn journals... the moment my god damn concerts are over. Here is my Christmas card for all of you. This is main street in my town.

I'm going to blog so much while he's gone... or at least I hope to. I'll bring my school laptop home and remember to clear the cache's/cookies/everything else.

Tonight is classy wine and cheese night. I'm bringing a brie, with a cranberry "sauce" i made from scratch, wrapped in phyllo pastry. Mmmm. so fatty. I'm going to get sooooo fucking drunk tonight off wine. I'll also get drunk tomorrow night when I co-host a party with Kat at her place. Sunday is eggs and bacon morning (unless Billy doesn't sleep here on Saturday... which he usually does, but this Sunday he's supposed to do some contracting with his grandpa). I cannot wait for the holidays to start. I'm going to sleep in, and get laid, and bake goods to bring to Billy at work.

Oooo. Speaking of the holidays. You probably don't care but I'm listing the gifts I got my beau for Christmas:
- Season 3 of Fringe which he has watched already but wants to own. Plus I haven't seen season 3 and we started out watching this together this summer
-Ping toque. He had a Ping toque years ago and it was destroyed in a washing machine. This one isn't identical but I think it's the gesture that counts this time.
- 3 gift cards to Walmart for $5.60 with a loonie taped to each. Because he likes to buy movies from the $5 bin when he's broke and wants something new. There's a little note they're attached to explaining they're for crusty broke days when he wants something new but is too broke. The loonie is for the "stack'em" game he likes to play on his way out of the store.
-Nerf darts... for...
-the new Nerf gun I got him. We decided a while ago that Nerf guns are the most appropriate way to solve domestic disputes... so I bought one (actually 2, the two pack was cheaper). He already has one... so now there will be 3 in his house.

How fucking awesome am I? And I put it in a Spiderman gift bag with Spiderman tissue paper. I told my friend Murray, if he doesn't fall hopelessly in love with me he is a FOOL.... and if he doesn't. I'm fucking leaving Flin Flon haha. yeah... sad. I'd stay here and not teach music to be with him... pathetic? I always said I wouldn't stay anywhere or go anywhere for a man... I wonder if he'd come with me if I got a music job? Arg. Whatever we haven't been together long enough to talk about that yet. That won't come up until March/May ish.

Anywho, I'm off to paaaaaaaaaaartay. XOXO

A good weekend

Happy Monday!

Alright. Still 190. Gah. But I have a plan! This summer I was drinking meal replacements for 2 of my meal so I bought some again. They're not quality ones but they're low calorie, so even if I cook a big supper for Billy when he comes over, I can still lose!!! Fuck I'm surprised I haven't gained weight dating him. We eat all the fucking time! haha. :( lol

Ok. Sooooo this weekend.. I decided that I am just going to let myself fall into this relationship and be surrounded by his affection and ya know what? Something changed :) Suddenly he was extra affectionate and cutesy :) We went to Loreena's birthday party at Jordana's. Jordana has a table that people write on all the time, it's kinda funny. I looked down and he had written "Billdo + Vanessa" on the table. :) Aaaaaand ya know how I was a little petrubed that there aren't any pictures of us? And I'm even more distubed that Loreena constantly takes pictures of her and Billy, or her and I or other people but will never take a picture that has Billy and I in it together. (at halloween we were carving pumpkins and she took a picture of me with my pumkin and cut him out, then took a picture of him carving and cut me out... we were sitting right next to each other) Well he took one of us with his cell phone :D :D :D And he totally initiated it! I texted my friend Kat like right after it happened I was so excited. Then we went to the bar and he was all cutesy with his arm around me. Then the end of the bar came and they always play slow songs and he pulls me to the dance floor because he wants to dance with me :) (which we hadn't been doing previously at the bar) The last time we went to the bar he pulled me to dance with him at the end of the night too, but this time he was holding me close and singing to me. I'm fairly certain they played that Bon Jovi song that goes "Aaaaand  I, will looooove you, baaabyyy, aaaaaaaaaaaaaalllways" and a couple others that generally expressed the same sentiment. He even looked me in the eye whilst singing these things. I may have said "no you don't" the first time he sang "I love you" and smiled at him. Oh god, it's coming. This boy is falling in love with me. I think I'm ok with that. I've stopped denying it to other people and teachers at my school, and he's coming to my staff Christmas party soooo cat will be out of the bag anyway. Anywho, after the bar we went to another party. Shortly after we got there, I look over and Loreena is sitting on his lap.... I know nothing would ever happen between them and they're best friends or whatever, and ya know, I didn't make a stink when he wanted to drink beer at her place on a Monday because they both had Tuesday off, and he crashed there, but this just pissed me off. She sometimes acts like I'm not there, or whatever, and I'm sure she really likes me, but I get it, I'm stepping on what she may consider her territory... wellllll I snapped. After him being so nice and affectionate I was not having this. I mean, like I said, they may be best friends but there is a line. I need there to be a line. It has to exist. If there isn't a line, well why shouldn't she just take off her clothes, or put her mouth on his dick? (which would never happen but you know what I mean) I yelled at her from across the room "LOREENA.... Get off my FUCKING boyfriend!". She got all huffy and packed up her shit and left. She wouldn't look at me when she walked by me. I held my ground and stayed where I was... I didn't want to go crawling over to him. He came over and explained to me that it was his fault. Apparently they were playing a drinking game and she wanted to play and he didn't see any extra chairs around so he told her to sit on his knee. He apologized and said he hadn't thought about it before he did it. He's really good for that, when he does something that upsets me, he thinks about it from my point of view and always apologizes for whatever it was. *sigh* clearly I have it bad for this boy.

Sunday was low key. We woke up, had some awesome morning sex, had some bacon and eggs, chilled, then rented a movie in the evening. Fell asleep at 9:30ish.... just went to sleep at his house. :) Talked to his mom in the morning as I was leaving, that wasn't awkward... no for real. It wasn't. I love his Mom, and the rest of his family too.

Soooo surprise/Christmas updates. Originally I thought he was getting me mukluks for Christmas because he mentioned it in July and then talked about it every time I said how cold it was outside.... but then yesterday he told me that he bought tickets for a draw for a pair of mukluks.... what could he possibly have spent 100-200 on? Whatever it is he says it's well worth it and I'm going to love it. I don't know how he knows what to get me... I've never mentioned anything about what I'd like to get for Christmas... And my surprise? He says if he tells me when I'm getting it, it will be obvious. The only thing I can think of is maybe he's coming to my Christmas concert and bringing me flowers after? I have noooo idea. And he's still not giving me any hints, and he hasn't told anyone else either. Time knows what I'm getting for Christmas but not what my surprise is.... Yeesh. This is driving me crazy!!

Oooo, but I have a surprise for him! I got this card from etsy.com

Hilarious because he loves bacon, and on the inside it said "I'm achin' for your bacon". Which I think I'm going to give him when he gets home from Cuba. Underneath I'm going to write "can we do it now?". hahahahahaha.

Ok. I'm done gushing about the boy... for now. Sorry to submit you all to this squishy love talk, but I have to talk about something if I'm going to continue being fat (until my meal replacement shake plan works... If that doesn't work, I'm going back to not eating... )

Anywho, shower time for me, we're going to attempt to watch another movie tonight... fingers crossed we make it through this one haha. I hate feeling like I'm taking advantage of his mothers kindness when I sleep there. (ack, there I go, talking about him again)

Ok. .. plan. . eat less... drink shake.. stop being fat. Oh, in January I'm going to join the yoga class that starts then :) Hopefully I'll be able to grab a decent exercise mat and I can go back to doing pilates in the morning. I've been walking more than driving on the weekends and slowly cutting down the amount of food I eat. Wish me luck... I'm still not caught up on blogs :( but I'm working on it. I also haven't sent the journals I was going to ... but I bought american stamps so I will be able to. Now I just have to stop being lazy.

OOOOOooOO I almost forgot. 1 week until my first Christmas concert. Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebus I'm starting to freak out a little bit!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHH. I'm sure it will go fine, people will be helping me, but still. I'm nervous... it's my first time (that's what she said).

Anywho, I'm out. Love you lovelies! Here are some recently (today) snapped pics of my drive through town. They're not the best but you can kind of see how pretty the town is. :)

 

And here is me last weekend before a church dinner :) 

A grrrrr

Sooooo I made a vlog last night before I went out but for whatever reason it sat on the "publishing" screen all night and when i refreshed the page it wasn't there. :(

Big news... I am still fat. :( Hovering around 190 bouncing about 2 pounds on either side. I had a laxie day yesterday but it didn't do much because I'm all bloated like I'm about to get my period. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me. And I'm still sick. I've had this lingering cold for a couple of weeks now... seems it just won't go away~!!

Things with Billy are still amazing :) He has some kind of surprise for me and it's driving me crazy. He won't give me any hints... I know it's not a living thing, it's not fluffy and I'm getting it on a day he doesn't work... but he's so good at dodging my hint digging. Sometimes (or all the time) I worry he is going to leave me, but that's just me being paranoid I'm pretty sure. He's always so nice and sweet to me, and we have all these plans for the future. I just feel so unsure of myself in this relationship. I am hesitant to put myself fully into this and leave my heart unguarded. I know there will be a point at which I'll have to shit or get off the pot. Mentally I'm in this but I haven't let myself get too into it. I don't want another commitment-phobic man telling me he loves me and wants to be with me forever and then dumping me the next week (Gerard). I don't want to force anything in this one. I'm enjoying the time we spend together but I don't force him to spend it with me, in fact I rarely initiate hang out time, and I don't try to get him to talk about feelings and stuff. I certainly am not telling him about my battles with weight or eating/not eating.

Tonight is Billy's best friend Loreena's Birthday. I baked a rum cake, with a rum glaze and some rum icing to write Happy B-Day on it. I don't know if I'll eat any of it... well I'll probably have a small piece. I'm sure there will be ass loads of food.... I'm cooking curry for dinner tonight, Billy's coming after work, then we're eating, then going to the hockey game, then to the party. :) I'm going to dress pretty in case we go to the bar later in the evening. I have watched more hockey in the last month in Flin Flon than I have in my whole life combined up until this point. And ya know what... It's kinda fun! Probably because I get to stand/sit by my sexy beau. I like being seen in public with him. It's a double edged sword. I want people to know we're together and I want people to see us together, but I don't want to tell people in case he breaks my heart. I could handle him dumping me if I didn't have to talk about it to anyone, but if he broke up with me and I had to talk about it I would be absolutely devastated. Look at me Ms. Pessimistic. FUCK. Whatever, one step at a time. Either he falls in love with me or he doesn't. If he doesn't, those words won't cross my lips. ... I really wish I knew what this surprise of his was... arg. Oh well. one step at a time. Tonight I will get rip roaring drunk, we'll probably crash at my place and then tomorrow will be another day. :)

On another note.. I'm tired of being fat :(

Love you all XOXOXO Comments are always appreciated. You have no idea how much they mean to me!
ttyl.

~Nessa