So my surgery got bumped up a week instead of next week. Just got home today. I'm on morphine, it's hard to type, or focus long enough to keep my hands from settling onto the keyboard and just typing a bunch of random letters. Sooo I will update you on my life later. Gah. I can barely keep my eyes open because of the morphine I'm on, but I haven't gotten any real sleep because i'm afraid i'll bleed out. or at least that's why i think i kept waking up. I will post more when i'm able to concentrate on life lol.
love you all
xoxo nessa
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Back to work!
Alrighty, where to begin?
I'm all caught up on my blog reading!
Still haven't stepped on a scale. Was sooooooooooooo tired this morning (story is down there somewhere) I took 3 caffiene pills this morning when I got to school. Managed to avoid eating until I got home from school today. Thank god, since I've been eating shyte for the last couple of days again. UGH.Unfortunately I got a mad dizzy spell just before I left. It made the drive home feel crappy. When I got home, I ate an apple and 3 slices of marble cheese. I'm going to try to keep the fooding to a minimal tonight. Then perhaps I'll be able to bring myself to get on the scale.
Peridot! Scooping into a note means starting flat and then sliding the pitch up to be where it's supposed to be. Very annoying. Also... you're probably about to be disappointed with me. Re: Clayton the fuckstick. Oi vey.
Josie! Thank you for music nerding!
Alright. Here comes the juicy part. The update on my craaaaaaaaaaaaazy life. Which is, as you know, always exciting.
Sooo Saturday night went to that "partay" with roomie. Didn't end up being a party. Ended up being 4 girls and 2 guys and the girls hung out in the dining room, and the dudes chilled in the living room. Dean was texting me all night. This is the guy who I met on an online dating site when I first moved to Flin Flon. This past summer, he started talking to me again, but was too shy to actually meet up with me, and blew me off a couple times. Since then, he banged my roomie when she was single, and I ended up meeting him after that and we kinda became friends. We may have had a sleepover once, but no sex, just cuddles, a movie, and sleep. Anyway, he was texting me all night, saying how he was jealous of my wine buzz and how I should come over. Finally he said he'd come pick me up, but then his truck battery was dead and the cab ride out there is like $40... so that didn't happen. Pretty sure he would have wanted to bang me anyway, and I really don't see him that way.
Monday morning I had my interview with the Agency for teaching in London next year. It was fine. She seemed bored, but she's not the one I need to impress. I just need her to believe I'm competent. I've got so much paper work ahead of me before this can be a reality. But I need to do this. Get away for a year and clear my head. Live somewhere where I can go for a walk any time of year, because there isn't 3 feet of snow and frigid temperatures! Imagine being able to run outdoors all year long?
Aaaaaaaaaaaand then there was this morning. Guess who called me at like 6:30? If you guessed Clayton, you'd be right. He said "can you come get me. I'm at a friends and I really want to leave". And of course I said I would, because I'm crazy, and love being on the crazy train. So I showered and got ready for work and went to pick him up at like 7:15ish. He held my hand and we drove out to the ranch. He was hoping we could just lie in my bed until noon, but I had to be at work before 9 to get setup for my day, so the ranch had to suffice. On a side note, I'd never been into the cabin there before, just the porch. I was expecting like a bedroom and kitchen etc. There isn't one lol. Just a propane heater and wood stove, a sink and a couch. We talked about Sheila and how she was kinda crazy, and how he only spent that night at the cabin with her (that first night I went out there), and how he went for dinner with her and his best friend and his fiance (her sister) because him and her are supposed to be best man and maid of honour at their wedding, and she belched like in the restaurant, and swore in the grocery store. He said he was disgusted by her behaviour and that was a deal breaker. He talked about how he wants to leave his friends, and get his shit together, and I told him I understood that's a hard thing to do when the friends you want to leave behind are people you've known since you were in diapers. We just lay on the couch for the longest time. Then there was some fooling around, which turned into sex. Of course. Whatever. It's what I needed to feel less shitty and lonely at the time. I haven't heard from him today, but we randomly passed his truck in town randomly while driving down random side streets. Bizarre. That never happens. Anywho. I didn't tell him about Europe. No need until closer, if at all, who knows if we'll even be talking by then. I know he's an idiot that doesn't deserve the time of day from me. We have this crazy chemistry though, and are ridiculously honest with each other. I'm not particularly used to men being honest with me. He said sometimes he feels like he loves me (I totally get that. sometimes I think I love him too), I said he didn't know me well enough to love me. He said sometimes he wants to just fuck off and let himself fall off the wagon, and sometimes he wants to try and fix his life and when he falls off the wagon he always ends up mad at himself. I obviously cannot fix him. Maybe a year without me to run to will help him out? Let him buy his house, and get shit sorted out. Or maybe I'll get back and he'll still be a fuckup. Maybe I won't ever come back. Maybe some British man with an adorable accent (even better would be Irish) will sweep me off my feet and I'll just stay. Who the fuck knows what will happen. I'm just going with the flow. No more plans. other than work and paperwork for the UK. Plans lead to expectations, which seem to keep leading me to disappointment. So for now I'll live in the moment. When Clayton's in town, and he rings me up, I'll let him hold me and rub my back and kiss my forehead. It makes me feel like someone gives a shit about me up here. I won't, however, tell Tim or Hollee about these encounters, as they do not approve. Roomie does know. She says do what makes you happy, but don't get sucked in to the point that you don't want to leave on your UK adventure. (men make my brain wonky -clearly- so it could happen)
Anyway, I'm soooo sleepy, from my ridiculously early morning (by my normal standards). Sweet dreams blog buddies. Tomorrow morning I'm going to try to weigh myself. Wish me luck.
XOXO Nessa
I'm all caught up on my blog reading!
Still haven't stepped on a scale. Was sooooooooooooo tired this morning (story is down there somewhere) I took 3 caffiene pills this morning when I got to school. Managed to avoid eating until I got home from school today. Thank god, since I've been eating shyte for the last couple of days again. UGH.Unfortunately I got a mad dizzy spell just before I left. It made the drive home feel crappy. When I got home, I ate an apple and 3 slices of marble cheese. I'm going to try to keep the fooding to a minimal tonight. Then perhaps I'll be able to bring myself to get on the scale.
Peridot! Scooping into a note means starting flat and then sliding the pitch up to be where it's supposed to be. Very annoying. Also... you're probably about to be disappointed with me. Re: Clayton the fuckstick. Oi vey.
Josie! Thank you for music nerding!
Alright. Here comes the juicy part. The update on my craaaaaaaaaaaaazy life. Which is, as you know, always exciting.
Sooo Saturday night went to that "partay" with roomie. Didn't end up being a party. Ended up being 4 girls and 2 guys and the girls hung out in the dining room, and the dudes chilled in the living room. Dean was texting me all night. This is the guy who I met on an online dating site when I first moved to Flin Flon. This past summer, he started talking to me again, but was too shy to actually meet up with me, and blew me off a couple times. Since then, he banged my roomie when she was single, and I ended up meeting him after that and we kinda became friends. We may have had a sleepover once, but no sex, just cuddles, a movie, and sleep. Anyway, he was texting me all night, saying how he was jealous of my wine buzz and how I should come over. Finally he said he'd come pick me up, but then his truck battery was dead and the cab ride out there is like $40... so that didn't happen. Pretty sure he would have wanted to bang me anyway, and I really don't see him that way.
Monday morning I had my interview with the Agency for teaching in London next year. It was fine. She seemed bored, but she's not the one I need to impress. I just need her to believe I'm competent. I've got so much paper work ahead of me before this can be a reality. But I need to do this. Get away for a year and clear my head. Live somewhere where I can go for a walk any time of year, because there isn't 3 feet of snow and frigid temperatures! Imagine being able to run outdoors all year long?
Aaaaaaaaaaaand then there was this morning. Guess who called me at like 6:30? If you guessed Clayton, you'd be right. He said "can you come get me. I'm at a friends and I really want to leave". And of course I said I would, because I'm crazy, and love being on the crazy train. So I showered and got ready for work and went to pick him up at like 7:15ish. He held my hand and we drove out to the ranch. He was hoping we could just lie in my bed until noon, but I had to be at work before 9 to get setup for my day, so the ranch had to suffice. On a side note, I'd never been into the cabin there before, just the porch. I was expecting like a bedroom and kitchen etc. There isn't one lol. Just a propane heater and wood stove, a sink and a couch. We talked about Sheila and how she was kinda crazy, and how he only spent that night at the cabin with her (that first night I went out there), and how he went for dinner with her and his best friend and his fiance (her sister) because him and her are supposed to be best man and maid of honour at their wedding, and she belched like in the restaurant, and swore in the grocery store. He said he was disgusted by her behaviour and that was a deal breaker. He talked about how he wants to leave his friends, and get his shit together, and I told him I understood that's a hard thing to do when the friends you want to leave behind are people you've known since you were in diapers. We just lay on the couch for the longest time. Then there was some fooling around, which turned into sex. Of course. Whatever. It's what I needed to feel less shitty and lonely at the time. I haven't heard from him today, but we randomly passed his truck in town randomly while driving down random side streets. Bizarre. That never happens. Anywho. I didn't tell him about Europe. No need until closer, if at all, who knows if we'll even be talking by then. I know he's an idiot that doesn't deserve the time of day from me. We have this crazy chemistry though, and are ridiculously honest with each other. I'm not particularly used to men being honest with me. He said sometimes he feels like he loves me (I totally get that. sometimes I think I love him too), I said he didn't know me well enough to love me. He said sometimes he wants to just fuck off and let himself fall off the wagon, and sometimes he wants to try and fix his life and when he falls off the wagon he always ends up mad at himself. I obviously cannot fix him. Maybe a year without me to run to will help him out? Let him buy his house, and get shit sorted out. Or maybe I'll get back and he'll still be a fuckup. Maybe I won't ever come back. Maybe some British man with an adorable accent (even better would be Irish) will sweep me off my feet and I'll just stay. Who the fuck knows what will happen. I'm just going with the flow. No more plans. other than work and paperwork for the UK. Plans lead to expectations, which seem to keep leading me to disappointment. So for now I'll live in the moment. When Clayton's in town, and he rings me up, I'll let him hold me and rub my back and kiss my forehead. It makes me feel like someone gives a shit about me up here. I won't, however, tell Tim or Hollee about these encounters, as they do not approve. Roomie does know. She says do what makes you happy, but don't get sucked in to the point that you don't want to leave on your UK adventure. (men make my brain wonky -clearly- so it could happen)
Anyway, I'm soooo sleepy, from my ridiculously early morning (by my normal standards). Sweet dreams blog buddies. Tomorrow morning I'm going to try to weigh myself. Wish me luck.
XOXO Nessa
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Happy new year?
Alright. January 5... holy shit? Really?
CW: still too scared to step on the scale
Mood: depressed and lonely
So. Ya know how last week was a shit show, what with getting dumped and being sick? Well new years i went to a friends and it was all couples and kids. Ugh. Not that I mind, but ya know. I'm single. I want to go out with other single people once in a while, or just go out. I don't mind going out with my married friends, but they seem less inclined to go out. Some of them have kids, but most of them don't. I fully intend to go out with my hubby when i'm married. maybe not all the time but certainly i won't stop having fun just because i have a partner. I should have even more fun with a partner in crime. But as I do not have one... I will have fun on my own I suppose. Oh the point of that paragraph.... My Gerard (uni sweet heart, best friends until this summer when he got a bitchy ass gf who wouldn't let him be friends with me) got engaged a couple days ago. Fuck. My heart sank, though I should be happy, or not care. she's a cunt nugget.
I just want someone to hold me and be nice to me for like a night. I would call Clayton, but he texted me the day after we hooked up to say that it was a bad idea and we shouldn't have done that. I said i just wanted to be friends, but that if he needed to not talk to me i would understand. And no reply after that. So I guess he can't handle talking to me. I would love to text Mike and be like "casual sex?" but I'm 99% sure he'd either not answer or say "I don't think that's a good idea". Which it probably wouldn't. Why do I let men run my brain? If Billy came back and said he wanted to try again, I would be like "ok" Ugh.
Next weekend i'm going down to Winnipeg... I messaged Barry. (remember him?) to ask him if he wanted to go out while I was there? He said probably, he hasn't been out for a while. Pretty sure I'll have the option of getting laid. Thank god. I'm angry and frustrated, and a good shag always helps.
Had our first Chicago rehearsal today. They said that they wanted people who could read music to be the leads for Chicago.... annnnnnnd the top 3 female roles A) can't sing B) can't read music but are C) slimmer than roomie and I. Although they passed over the slim jr high band teacher who can read music, and though she isn't a great singer is better than the 2 they cast for Velma and Roxie. Apparently I didn't get the Mama role because I'm too young. I've never heard the person they cast sing. Fuck first rehearsal today was sooooooooooooooooooooooo frustrating. The Roxie character wasn't even there, and Velma scooped into all her notes, didn't hold anything for it's written value, couldn't hit any of the notes above a g like on the staff, not above it (that's fairly low for a female) and let eeeeeeeeeeeevery fucking note fall down at the end. Sounded like shit. Gah. FML. Now I just want to have angry sex.
I was hoping to go out tonight, I spent last night at home... but Hollee's batshit crazy and mad at Tim for whatever reason. She was in a perfectly fine mood this morning, then she was up and down all day.... he was so frustrated he left the house and went for a walk. Ripper has his kids tonight, and Kat is hanging out with some other girls. Not sure what I'm gonna do. Oh... nm. Her evening turned into a house party. gonna do that. Haven't been to a house party in FOREVER
I will ttyl lovelies.
XOXO Nessa
CW: still too scared to step on the scale
Mood: depressed and lonely
So. Ya know how last week was a shit show, what with getting dumped and being sick? Well new years i went to a friends and it was all couples and kids. Ugh. Not that I mind, but ya know. I'm single. I want to go out with other single people once in a while, or just go out. I don't mind going out with my married friends, but they seem less inclined to go out. Some of them have kids, but most of them don't. I fully intend to go out with my hubby when i'm married. maybe not all the time but certainly i won't stop having fun just because i have a partner. I should have even more fun with a partner in crime. But as I do not have one... I will have fun on my own I suppose. Oh the point of that paragraph.... My Gerard (uni sweet heart, best friends until this summer when he got a bitchy ass gf who wouldn't let him be friends with me) got engaged a couple days ago. Fuck. My heart sank, though I should be happy, or not care. she's a cunt nugget.
I just want someone to hold me and be nice to me for like a night. I would call Clayton, but he texted me the day after we hooked up to say that it was a bad idea and we shouldn't have done that. I said i just wanted to be friends, but that if he needed to not talk to me i would understand. And no reply after that. So I guess he can't handle talking to me. I would love to text Mike and be like "casual sex?" but I'm 99% sure he'd either not answer or say "I don't think that's a good idea". Which it probably wouldn't. Why do I let men run my brain? If Billy came back and said he wanted to try again, I would be like "ok" Ugh.
Next weekend i'm going down to Winnipeg... I messaged Barry. (remember him?) to ask him if he wanted to go out while I was there? He said probably, he hasn't been out for a while. Pretty sure I'll have the option of getting laid. Thank god. I'm angry and frustrated, and a good shag always helps.
Had our first Chicago rehearsal today. They said that they wanted people who could read music to be the leads for Chicago.... annnnnnnd the top 3 female roles A) can't sing B) can't read music but are C) slimmer than roomie and I. Although they passed over the slim jr high band teacher who can read music, and though she isn't a great singer is better than the 2 they cast for Velma and Roxie. Apparently I didn't get the Mama role because I'm too young. I've never heard the person they cast sing. Fuck first rehearsal today was sooooooooooooooooooooooo frustrating. The Roxie character wasn't even there, and Velma scooped into all her notes, didn't hold anything for it's written value, couldn't hit any of the notes above a g like on the staff, not above it (that's fairly low for a female) and let eeeeeeeeeeeevery fucking note fall down at the end. Sounded like shit. Gah. FML. Now I just want to have angry sex.
I was hoping to go out tonight, I spent last night at home... but Hollee's batshit crazy and mad at Tim for whatever reason. She was in a perfectly fine mood this morning, then she was up and down all day.... he was so frustrated he left the house and went for a walk. Ripper has his kids tonight, and Kat is hanging out with some other girls. Not sure what I'm gonna do. Oh... nm. Her evening turned into a house party. gonna do that. Haven't been to a house party in FOREVER
I will ttyl lovelies.
XOXO Nessa
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