vlog... or not

hahahah. I made a vlog... and then it wouldn't let me stop recording... so it no longer exists. I'll do another tomorrow probably. Right now my room mate probably thinks I'm crazy enough as is talking to nobody. :)

So it cut out at the end because youtube is a bitch like that. But anyway, I was 187.9 on Monday morning.. so i went jogging on tuesday, and did pilates on wednesday morning, and i will be jogging again today after my rehearsal is over. Right now, I am 184.2 and i need to take a poo, so that will change. I did end up eating 1 baby sized pancake and 1 sausage link this morning. Then I had 1/2 a sandwich and salad and celery at the lunch/"tea" as well as 1 glass of white wine. For dinner I had a slimfast shake. I don't know what my total is, but the 400-600 calories I will burn jogging and then walking tonight should keep it a happy number. Also I walked to the car dealership to get my car, and I'm considering walking to the fireworks, depending on how tired I am from jogging i guess. 

Ok, here are my ridiculously flattering pictures from my phone, which I did not send to muscles because they weren't really fitting of the.. umm, er... mood:

This one is as close to a progress picture as I have right now. I took it last night... to text to someone hahahhaha.I also included a really nice picture of my boobs... with a bra on lol. 

Three guesses to figure out what he sent me a picture of? Of course, it was his dick... which normally I would find tacky... but I have to admit, it is a niiiiiiiiiiice penis! Sizeable even though it was soft.. in fact, from what I could tell in the picture, it's a comparable size to Greg's... when he was hard. And i know for damn sure that when Muscles is hard it's a fairly obvious thing. Oh god, this is going to be fucking awesome. The explicit nature of last nights texting was such a thrill. I cannot wait for all of these things to happen... Like a weekend of hott seks? YES PLEASE! Now all I need is for my period to go the fuck away... or go the fuck to sleep if you prefer hahaha.

In other news, Greg phoned me this morning. He didn't think I would answer because he thought I would be teaching... so it was kind of awkward. I mean he asks how I'm feeling and I have to be honest and say that I'm feeling pretty good. We talked for a few minutes about his summer plans. He's still going to Thunder Bay for the SCA event there, and then he told me he was going to Folk Fest... yup. The thing I'm not going to because at the time arranging travel and such was going to be stupidly difficult. The thing that he wasn't going to because he didn't have enough initiative to follow up on his volunteer status... The festival gave him my position.... so now he's going, to the thing I so desperately wanted to go to with him. The festival that has been such a huge part of my life every year until this one. Fucking hell. anywho, he said something about wanting this whole apartment thing to just be done with  and i told him that there wasn't very much I could do about it from up here and may have called him babe. Then he said "I have to go" in a hurried tone. The same tone he used on me when I broke his heart.

Anyway.... no more of that.

Time to go running! I need to be 177 by the time Muscles comes for our sexy sleepover. Week 1... Day 2... Take 3! Here we go!!! I'm going to try to remember to make a video of the fireworks tonight :) Oh oh oh, before I forget, I signed up for a spot with a piercing artist who will be here for the Canada Day celebrations! But I am not sure what to get pierced?! Here are my selections:

A - Tragus

B - Daith

C - Pinna/Helix (I had this done once but it's been closed for a while)

D - Rook

E - Industrial

I mean I could get  a nipple done, or anything else for that matter... but I'm not really into body piercings. I like to keep them all on my face. (Though I did consider getting the back of my neck pierced once). 

Anywho, I'm off to jog. Please continue scrolling for pictures of my car and the darling chair I bought for my room :)

What's done is done.

After a lengthy phone conversation it is over. It wound it's way that way, and finally he started to hear what I was saying. I right off the hop I said I couldn't tell if I was saying I wanted to try because I actually wanted to or if I was doing it to make him happy. It took another 30 minutes of conversation for us to get around the bush to the part where I said "I just don't want to be with you when we're not talking, and then when we do talk I still am not completely convinced that I want to be with you" and he said "well we can't have that in a relationship. That can't work, maybe you should just end it" and I said "well that's it then".... he promptly responded "I have to go" and then it was quiet for a full minute and I reminded him that we would need to separate our things at the apartment, and asked him if he would like me to email when i knew what days i'd be back in the city. He agreed, then another silent minute and he said "bye" and I said bye and hung up before anything could  happen to convince me to go back on my word.

So that's it. He said he couldn't help but feel like the last 4 years was a joke and a lie. It wasn't. I know that.  I was his first girlfriend. I hope he can find someone who can love him for everything he is, and everything he isn't. I know he will, and he will love her so much, and not take her for granted because he lost one love already.

He asked if we would ever be together again, and I told him I didn't know. All I knew is that I want to be single and not tied down right now so I can focus on my work, and not have to worry about anyone else. I said who knows what may happen in the future. Maybe in 6 months you'll call me and tell me you've been thinking things through. Maybe at the end of next year I'll come to some kind of realization, or you'll want to talk to me. I have no idea, but right now it's done.

Time for me to go to bed, but I wanted to update, for anyone who is following. It is officially over. I know I've made the right decision, but it still breaks my heart. The tears flow like summer rain; beginning in their own time and drying up as quickly as they came. I am alone, for the first time in a very long time. :(

I think I have an answer

Sorry for the bajillion posts today.... It came to me in the car as I was driving. I can't be sure I'm making this compromise because I actually want to, or because I'm afraid to hurt him. I think for this to be realistic, it needs to be a flat out break up. Going on a break until a certain time... seems pointless. I think this is what I need to tell him. God this is going to be hard. Luckily he doesn't get phone time very often.