Day 4 Super Fail

5 days ... and I don't have a positive comment to write here because I feel like shit.. so I'll just leave it blank.

Not a super fail in the way that I binged because I did not. Super fail... well you'll see.

Woke up at 190.1. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. So ready to stop seeing "19-". Fuck my life.


Didn't do pilates this morning because I'm a lazy tard.

B: 1 shake
L: Tuna and dry toast
S:.... I promised Darlene (Tim's mom, aka Billy's "other mother") I would come for dinner at least once before Billy came home... We had taco salad.

Soooo then there were dainties for dessert, and I did pretty well, I'm proud of myself actually, but I could have had none.

Stayed there for a while, played a card game, shot the shit. Talked about marriage... Ya know how I've totally brushed all that talk off... Of course it came up in conversation. Hollee said "how's he going to top $350 shoes next year?" and Tim's mom said "diamonds". well I finally just said "ya know what, if that's where this relationship lead I would be totally happy" and Darlene said "so would I".

Enough boy stuff. Did not end up drinking wine at Kat's. That's alright. I wasn't really feeling it. Tomorrow I'm going to help Tim and Hollee make sushi before the New Years Eve/hot tub party we're going to. Shit... I'm fat and I'm going to be in a swim suit in front of people. ... Gonna have to suck it in. Not that it will be an issue.. I have cute little shorts to wear over my bottoms and the top part is kinda loose around the midsection because it's too big on me. And it really showcases my boobs.

I'm going to sleep at my place tonight. I miss my apartment and my dogless bed. The novelty of snuggling with Gracie has worn off and the little dog Bella just annoys me. There's so much natural sunlight in my home, I find myself getting restless and sad in Billy's house. Not enough big windows. If I am ever far enough out of student debt, and I buy a house, it must have large windows. Like the bungalow I grew up in. So bright and sunny all the time.

Anywho. Going to Jordana's for a bit to chill while they be drinkin'. I be not drinkin' because I want to drive home tonight. I'm too poor to afford a cab (because of that damn ps3), and operation red nose isn't running tonight. That and I want to get a good sleep in my own bed tonight. I don't know where I'm sleeping tomorrow night (my place or Billy's... I'll be pretty schmammed by the time operation red nose picks me up).

Kinda liking this regular posting. I feel like it's keeping me in touch with my goals... and my posts are a lot shorter.

This is the background on my phone right now. There is a table at Jordana's that everyone writes on. ... A few weekends ago, Billy wrote this on the table and didn't say anything and when I looked at it just smiled. When I asked who wrote it, he grinned and said "I did". (Billdo is one of his nicknames... every male here has a nickname.)

Day 3 Fail

6 more days until I see my boyfriend. 1/3rd of the way done this lonely time.

188.4 this morning!!! Fucking yes. But now I've gone and ruined it all.... partially out of lack of willpower... partially because the house is running out of veggies.. and partially because my feet won't fucking stay warm...

My facebook status said "Successfully lost the 5 pounds I gained during Christmas eating". My conversation/comments with my aunt went as follows:

• AUNT: So what is your secret.

  50 minutes ago ·
• 

  Vanessa Jeanine: Stop binge eating... lol

  49 minutes ago ·
• 

  \AUNT: Thats a good idea. Will have to try that after this weekend.

  48 minutes ago ·
• 

  Vanessa Jeanine: There's no time like the present! That's why I started now instead of the new year... I didn't want to let myself gain a single pound more.. Willpower is your biggest tool.

  47 minutes ago ·
• 

  AUNT: still have to celebrate christmas this weekend

   

   

  What I wanted to write but didn't was: Gluttony is a sin all year round. or And that is how I became 256 pounds last year. ....  Because she pretends to be super religious around my grandparents, and because that family and the way they eat is part of what made me what i am today.

Woke up at 10:30 this morning. Fed the dogs, walked back to my house, did my pilates, weighed myself.
B: 1 shake
L: 1 medium sized salad with low cal dressing
HERE COMES THE BOMB.... thought I could bake and not eat any of it... well I had 2 carrot cake cookies with cream cheese icing...
S: then at supper time i realize my feet have been freezing all day. I got out of the shower and my toes are blueish purple... today i spent all day drifting in and out of sleep... little scary. then i realize i'm almost out of veggies here and i can't afford to buy more.. so i made myself a small stir fry (which i instantly regretted). My stomach has shrunk in the past couple of days so eating meat and veggies is hurting it quite a bit.

We'll see what the scale has to say about it tomorrow. I took 2 laxatives with dinner as a precautionary measure... though I should have learned from yesterday when I spent all night waking up and running to the bathroom that taking them after 6 is a bad idea. At least it was only 2 today, not the 4 I had last night. Also I had substantially more food this evening, maybe they'll be less rapey on my innards.

What else have i done today... played a lot of LEGO pirates of the caribbean... watched a lot of Buffy on Netflix... slept through a lot of Buffy on Netflix. Baked in the afternoon. Did some laundry... (Billy goes away on vacation and I do his laundry.. .someone needs to tell that boy how lucky he is.. jk. He knows) Now it's 8:45 and I'm lost. Kat comes home tomorrow. Tomorrow we're going to drink wine in the evening. then Saturday is New Years eve. I'm going to Tim's friends place for board games, appetizers, drinks and hot tub. I will only have 2 shakes tomorrow and Saturday in anticipation of the booze that will run it's course.

Next week Kat wants to go hiking and start boot camping ourselves. There is an awful lot of snow for a boot camp, but I'll take it anyway. She's gained weight over the holidays and is back to purging, the one habit I could never have. She suggested renting skis at the cross country ski club... but that takes money and i spent all mine on that damn ps3. Fucking thank god though. I'd be soo friggin' bored without it. I'm already bored with it.

January brings a new set of yoga classes, I'll probably join them. Need to do something to keep  get into some kind of shape. Thursday nights there's rec dodge ball, I'll probably go to that too. :D That will be fun. Too bad Billy can't come... it's 7-8pm and he works until 8 every night. ah well. It will be nice to get all sweaty once a week (at least... I can't wait until the snow is gone).

Anywho. Just had shower number 2 in hopes it will keep me warm into the night. Going to make myself some tea and fall asleep to Buffy again.

Love you ladies. Sorry for the daily posts... it's just until the week is done.. gotta do something to keep myself sane/in control.

xoxo

Day 2 success

7 days until my boyfriend comes home

I should mention my weight for the purposes of this weeks food allowance.
Yesterday - 193.8 (I wanted to cry or hurl myself off a bridge) Weight taken naked first thing in the morning before I'd had any food/water
Today - 191.3 THANK THE LORD. And this was after I'd had my first meal replacement shake and not completely naked.

Tomorrow I'm hoping for 190 or lower. Then I only have to lose 3 pounds before he comes home... though I would like that number to be more like 7. If I can get below 188 I'm gold. I haven't been lower than that since the summer. Time for this 6 month plateau to end.

Today I've eaten:

B: 1 meal replacement shake
1 diet coke
L: 1 meal replacement shake
S: Giiiiiiiiiiiiant salad ... with feta and ceasar salad dressing... yeah i stretched that "fresh fruits and veggies only" to fit my needs.... and a big cup of cinnamon tea. (took 3 laxatives after the salad... nothing is happening though... i feel like i should take a few more. If nothing happens by the morning I'll take a couple more) I took 3 more...
I might have an apple and some tea tonight as a snack. Round it out. Scratch that. just the tea please. I'm going to hole myself up in his room until I fall asleep. I've let the big dog out. She should be good to go for the morning. The little dog... well fuck it. She annoys me. If she pees on the floor I don't care.

Did pilates this morning... shoveled the side walk for extra exercise.. not because it needed it.

Gah. This is stupid. I am having a really hard time not talking to Billy today.... :( Pretty sure I love him... and I think i need to just say it already. Way to go stupid... realizing 2 days into his trip, when there are 7days left to stew about it. I hope he misses me too and would really like it if he would say it first...  but i have no idea... because I'm a stupid girl with self image issues. Fuck if he doesn't text me for half a day because he's busy at work, i worry he's going to dump me. Although, when I think logically... he bought me mukluks for Christmas..... they're like $369... WHAAAT. Here's the link to the exact pair I got  (the black ones)---> CLICK ME BITCHEZ!!
Ok. I'm not worried for the time being.

Ooo. In more exciting/positive news. Billy's friend Tim and his wife Hollee and I are going to all try to lose 10 pounds in January... they don't know how sneaky I am though (provided my old methods prove true). I feel like the pilates is helping already. It was hard to do this morning because my abs hurt so much. Maybe tomorrow I'll take my $369 shoes for a walk. Well I have to according to my plan... Anywho. I need to be less fat! Like NOW!!! I want to be slim and svelte and beautiful and able to wear whatever I want. By this summer I WILL BE A SIZE 10!!! Fuck I will not spend another summer avoiding public beaches, especially when there are so many so close to me now.

Let's do this ladies.
"Dreams are only dreams until you work hard to make them a reality."