Grr. Well at least the health challenge has started

What a weird weekend. soo Friday saw 196.5 on the scale.... ugh. This morning I was 195.1. I'm pretty constipated. Fuck. how do I just keep getting heavier????? GOD DAMNIT. I"M SO TIRED OF BEING FAT!!!

Aaaaalright. Friday, I went out for appetizers with some friends, then played some board games for a bit. It was boring and one of the two people (the host of the board game portion) was tooootally ignoring me. Not on purpose, but it's like he didn't hear anything I was saying. Whatever, I left early and went to bed. Billy stayed home, since he has to work at 9am Saturday mornings.

Saturday was retarded. I was mad at Billy because he hasn't really spent any time with me since he got back from vacation. I asked him about it and he said it was because he didn't really get any alone time on vacation. I was pretty grumpy at him at Tim's house and then when we came back to my place.... He went to go down on me and I stopped him and asked him what this was to him.... And if it was just sex, and started crying. He was immediately turned off (duh) and said insecurity is the biggest turn off in a girl. He said if it was just sex he wouldn't have introduced me to his family. Ugh. I said I know how I feel but I have no idea how you feel. (this was not the way I wanted the talk to happen... ugh). He just kept saying "I don't know what to say right now". I told him I was scared, he said I didn't need to be. He said "I might never be able to tell you how I feel". What does that mean?? I said "that's ok. Whatever, if you didn't care for me, you wouldn't be here." He said "exactly" and pulled me onto his chest and we fell asleep. In the morning, when he woke up, he rolled over and started kissing me... then he went to go down on me, and on his way down said "don't be silly, just let me do this for you." And did he ever... Like, multiple orgasms for me :) Spent Sunday being lazy. Made us waffles, hung out on the couch watching Football and playing little Facebook games. Went to his house, he made us supper and we chilled all afternoon and evening. Played some video games (I knitted), watched a movie, and generally enjoyed each others company. I'm still a little bit worried about weirding him out... Like I think I majorly freaked him out :( I'm just going to pretend I didn't do that. And I'm going to give him some space. Let him come to me, let him initiate our time together. If that makes me a pathetic girl...well then I am.

--Later--

Ok. Things are good. I think. I'm positive. Today was his day off, we texted back and forth all day in our normal fashion. Then after school he sent me a text that said "I've been thinking about the family gathering thing a big and talking it over with mom and dad too" (because we were going to drive overnight on Saturday night to get to my family thing on Sunday). I tried not to panic and asked if this was a conversation we should have in person... getting a little freaked out. and he said "I'm not overly excited to be traveling at night when it's going to be so cold... just don't think it's too smart" which it isn't... and if it snowed even a little bit we'd be fucked, and possibly stuck in the 10 foot ditches. Normally, when I'm in psycho mode (a la Saturday night) I would have fallen off the deep end with questions  like "don't you want to meet my family? aren't I important to you?"... but instead I said "you're right, maybe we should sit this one out. There will be more gatherings". He said he was really sorry but that he thought the best idea was to not go. I said  "don't be sorry babe :) I'm not upset". He said that's what he was worried about. Things are good, as long as I can get my sex fill every couple of days, I'll be happy and rational. :D Never again will I go like 16 days... that was stupid.

Then he texted to say he was going for a nap... and I did my first day of P90X. All of my muscles will hate me tomorrow. The scale might also hate me. I have no idea. The tape measure hated me. My waist is 3 inches bigger than it was this summer. I know 3 inches isn't a lot when you're my size, but it was depressing none the less. Maybe that's what's been missing in my motivation... numbers other than the scale.

Anywho, tomorrow is Tuesday, and I'm going to Zumba class instead of doing p90x cardio. I agreed to go with Hollee, and we've been getting along really well lately, and I don't have a whole lot of female friends, so Hollee and I will Zumba it up. It's only 6 classes in January. I'll miss all the "CardioX" parts of p90x this month, and possibly the yoga days, though I think i might try to do the yoga anyway after I get home from Zumba. 

Lord help me, I'm fat and lazy. Working out every day is going to be hard for me for the first bit. I miss the summer when I walked or jogged/ran every day. I cannot wait for walking weather... that and sunlight. It's overcast cloudy EVERY DAY here. There was a brief period of sun today and one day last week as the sun was going down. Makes me grumpy... Guess I'll just need to get extra sex, though this weeks workout schedule will make that difficult/painful... erg lol.

Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway. I hope you all had a great Monday. I'll ttyl. XOXO

weigh in tomorrow

It's 2:30am. I'm tired. But I'm terrified of my weigh in tomorrow  morning.


Went out to play pool with Billy. Met some of his other friends. Came back to his house to watch a movie, could NOT get warm. I said "yeesh, I'm so cold". Billy said "No you're not, you're hot. No really, you are." Won't he think I'm fucking amazing when I get down to a size 10 (or lower... but baby steps).

Fucking terrified of the scale right now. I'm going to drink some Metamucil before I go to bed. Hopefully get everything moving before the morning.

Picking up the slack

Weight... I have no idea... if I had to guess right now, I'd guess like 195, then I'd cry. Not stepping on the scale until Friday.

I bailed on the cabbage soup diet. Billy invited me for dinner with his grandpa and then I realized it would be really hard to hide it from him... so instead i'll just be a workout machine... even though i'm lazy. Oh and I threw out all of the food I could binge on. Like seriously. I feel like binging so bad right now... what a fucking horrible addiction. I feel like I neeeeeed to binge, probably just out of habit. :( Luckily all i have in my house now is food that requires preparing, and fresh fruits and veggies. I want to eat a sleeve of stone ground wheat thins. And a loaf of bread. Carbs and sweets, those are my fucking kryptonite. I had some flopped fudge in my fridge that I'd been shovelling into my mouth, along with ice cream, crackers, popcorn and millions (seemingly) of other foods. They are in the trash can. Buried. I don't have any peanut butter, and I'm not sure I will replace it anytime soon.

I want to try P90X... but I'm lazy and bad at following through. I think I will try the "lean" program. Starting Monday, the first day of the health challenge.

Anywho, I'm fat and grumpy and tired. Soooooo I'll talk to you ladies later.