End of an era

First of all, thank you to Child of Apathy, Moonlight Mistress, and mary for your supportive and encouraging words. 

So yeah. This saga has come to an end. I don't really feel like typing it all out again, so I'm copy pasting the email I sent to my aunt:

I believe I will be breaking up with Greg this weekend. There are just too many things I've let slide that I've previously termed "deal breakers", too many things I need in the relationship that he's not willing to put effort into, too many parts of my life I feel guilty over, or like I need to hide them. On top of that, he refuses to maintain telephone contact and I don't think I can go a whole summer with only letters from the person who is supposed to love me. I told him on the phone on Friday (after a few voice mails, and emails urging him to call me) that I'm not willing to have "one or the other" (letters or phone). Every phone call ends with me in tears and him telling me i'm overreacting and he doesn't want to talk about it, because he's already written whatever it is in the letter. 800km is a substantial distance, and September is a long way away. I don't think he believes that I meant it when I said i wasn't willing to go without phone contact. Too much stubbornness. He feels like I'm telling him what to do when I tell him what I need from this relationship for it to work, and so refuses to "bend to my will" in some strange form of rebellion. There's just no us. No decisions made together. It usually ends up being his way or my way. When I offer a compromise, he just isn't willing to not have things 100% his ideal.  

So many parts of our envisioned future no longer line up. I don't want to live in a self sufficient community without running water or electricity. I want to have a car and not have him pressure me into feeling guilty for it, regardless of what fuel method it takes. I want to be able to buy myself something without facing an interrogation and disapproving looks when I get home... I'm tired of hiding receipts and hiding clothes. Damnit, when my jeans rip I want to buy a second pair of quality pants without having to justify it to him. I shouldn't have to answer to him like a parent. I want to go out and indulge and dance every once in a while without feeling like I have this secret life he doesn't know about. I want a partner who is willing to travel with me, not one who refuses to get a passport because they don't want the american government to store their information. I want to go to Mexico, and New York, and Chicago again, and I want my partner with me. Not staying home because they think paying for travel is stupid. I want to go for dinner with my partner and when they've said they'll pay, not have them ask at the til if we're going dutch. I have given up so much to be with him. I got rid of pets, sold my beloved puggy because he made me choose. I cried and felt depressed for so long after Penelope left. I bought her to help my depression.... which got worse after that.

On the downside, I'll need to buy a car this weekend when I'm in Winnipeg so that Greg can take his parents car back and I won't have that tie to them. I'm glad I finally stopped hiding from that little nagging voice in the corner of my mind. When the words came out of my mouth while I was talking to Gerard on the phone (he has actually called me more times than Greg while I've been here, making sure I'm ok and checking in on me), I was shocked.... and I wanted to take them back. Brutal honesty. 

Part of me hopes that not having me will really drive home all of the things I've been telling him for the last year or so, but the majority of me, sadly, believes that his narcissistic tendencies will keep him from changing anything. I think he'll be alright. He's out on the farm, and he can always move back in with his parents. I own almost all of our furniture and dishes... he can have his dresser and shelf, and hopefully he'll let me keep the bed... 

That's pretty much all from the email. Now for the nitty gritties....The biggest thing I hide from him My partying. In fact, I've been so strongly craving male attention that I purposely flirt with men at the bar... I've even tried to leave my engagement ring at home... but my friends have always made me put it back on. I've gotten mad at my friends for telling the guy hitting on me that I'm in a relationship.

Which brings me to this weekend..... what happened? Well let me tell you (this is going to be one of those detail filled stories, so if my stories bore you, you should scroll past here now)

FRIDAY: A couple of the girls asked me to come out to karaoke with them. Pretty tame, then some big muscley blonde (read: FUCKING HOTTIE) sits down next to me and starts totally flirting with me. He was being super sweet, so I told him straight up "If you're looking to get laid tonight, you're not going to get it from me". He said "Why? Are you on your period?" hahah, ew. I said no because I'm not that kind of girl. I told him that I wouldn't be offended if he wanted to hit on someone else. He said no, and we flirted up a storm. He said "Tomorrow night we're going to to dancing at the Vic, you should come". So we danced to the last couple of songs at the karaoke bar and I walked the 4km home (by choice).

SATURDAY: I did my couch to 5k week 1 day 3... running back to the place where I left my car. Went shopping with Kat. In the evening was the school division golf tournament. Guess who was there? Of course MUSCLES. Gah. He said he saw me and wasn't sure if I would feel awkward if he said hi. He did end up saying hi while I was buying a drink. It wasn't awkward. It was kinda cute. Drank, golfed and went home. I wanted to go dancing (obviously to see muscles....) but nobody else wanted to, so I went to karaoke again. But it was boring without a man to hit on me (or more like I was looking forward to one specifically hitting on me). And the people I was with were boring people lol. I didn't sit at the rowdy table. After a while ... like 1am I decided I would go dancing.. So I met muscles there, we got some shots. ... of tequilla. yeah, then we "tore the floor up" as promised. Sooooo much grinding and dirty dancing. And man, he had rhythm and he was fucking sexy. And I didn't feel guilty at all. Then he asked what I wanted to do when the bar was closing, and I said hey, you're not too far from here, we should walk to your place! And about 10 minutes into that walk I suggested we walk to where I was staying and get some wine. so we walk about 4 km from the bar to my place. Get some wine and walk 3km to the place where he was staying. On the way he's like, so what are we going to do? A little bit of making out. I said "not even that" and he was like ok. That's alright. So we stayed up until 5:30 in the morning drinking wine and chatting on the deck. Then he suggested I just stay there instead of going home so I agreed. He asked if I wanted to sleep on the floor bed (single sized mattress) or the couches and I chose couches. ... then I suggested we share a couch. He didn't think that was very logical... so I opted for the single mattress in the living room... Yeah. That was pretty skanky of me. I hopped in, and he hopped in behind me. There was a little heavy breathing, some pressing, some giggles, and then a reaaaaally comfortable sleep. I haven't fallen asleep with someones arm around me for almost 4 years! When I first slept in the same bed as Greg and he rolled over to fall asleep, I cried because it made me feel so unwanted. Every time after that, I still felt upset. Even this year. It hurt me. When Greg came up to Flin Flon, and we stayed in the hotel, it was bj, snuggle, then the inevitable rolling over. I actually started just peeling myself off on my own. Ya know how I knew when it was time? The moment I started to feel really blissful and happy, I just roll over. That's usually when he'd push me off him anyway, If I did it myself, then it's not a man hurting me, it's just me hurting myself.

So this weekend, when I take the long journey home, it will be with a heavy heart. But I really feel like this is the right thing to do. I can't fake a whole lifetime with someone. The distance has made it hard, but also very clear. ... Also Gerard (my ex/best friend) got muscles number for me... Perhaps a roll in the hay. If he doesn't think it's creepy that I got his number lol.