what am i doing?

Alright. So I talked to Greg yesterday, and while we were talking I was realizing that most of me doesn't want to try to work things out. I kinda just want a fresh start. I'm not really physically attracted to him anymore..... like when he was kissing me last weekend i got this pit feeling in my stomach. In fact I told him on the phone yesterday that no part of me wanted to work things out until he started crying, because it's true. I was so adamant and dead set on breaking things off .... but then the crying happened and I was immediately trying to soothe him, suggesting a break instead. I just didn't want to see him so upset by something I was doing to him. Urgh. I am physically turned off by him. I mean I still love him as a person... but it's not the romantic love it once was. How did this happen? Did I just want to be in a relationship so badly, and feel loved so completely that I just took whatever came my way?  Why is this sooooo hard??????? I told him on the phone yesterday that I was finding it hard not to be persuaded by him and I knew that it could happen. I also told him that i hadn't thought about working things out at all as an option until he started crying. I told him I just didn't see how things would be different now. If you couldn't apologize for hurting my feelings when I was crying and even discussing it logically with you before, what is going to change now?

I had a great conversation with my friend since childhood :

[1:17:14 PM] V: yeah. The original plan was to just break up
[1:17:22 PM] M: lol that's true
[1:17:25 PM] V: then he cried and the back up plan was put in place
[1:17:39 PM] V: to stop the crying... and make my heart stop feeling awful
[1:18:25 PM] M: well then I think in this case you should choose to do the thing that is most fair to the both of you
[1:18:53 PM] M because either way, someone is going to be hurt, but there are some things that are easier to heal from than others.
[1:20:23 PM] V: it's true
[1:20:28 PM] V: but what should i dooooooo
[1:20:54 PM] V: the most fair thing would be to say that i don't want to work on this. i want to be single and focus on my career.
[1:21:36 PM] V: but it's soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard
[1:21:49 PM] V: and he just wants to try so badly
[1:22:02 PM] V: but how do i tell him i'm just not feeling it.
[1:23:11 PM] M: or conversly, how do you lie and tell him you are, only to have to cross this bridge again... because it will happen and it will be worse then.
[1:23:57 PM] V: but it would be easier. :( and hurt him less right now
[1:24:36 PM] V: also if we break up i don't think he's one of those guys that would want to still be friends. and i don't want to never talk to him again
[1:25:30 PM] M: that is always a risk,
[1:26:19 PM] V: ugh. how selfish of me
[1:27:19 PM] M: it just comes back to being fair to yourself and to him
[1:28:55 PM] M: it wouldn,t be fair for you to stay in a relation ship that you are not into only because he is suconciously guilting you with tears, and it is not fair for him to think that he is in a realationship that has no substance or future or recriprication.
[1:30:28 PM] M: *subconsciously
[1:32:03 PM] V: mm\
[1:32:06 PM] V: gah
[1:32:07 PM] V: i know
[1:32:23 PM] V: yesterday he cried on the phone and he asked me if i were crying... and i was yawning
[1:32:46 PM] V: not out of boredom, but because i still can't breathe in all the way (stress im pretty sure)
[1:33:42 PM] M: did you tell him you were yawning?
[1:33:49 PM] V: yes
[1:33:57 PM] V: ...
[1:34:04 PM] M: nah, that's good
[1:34:18 PM] M: well, I think I agree with your brain
[1:35:18 PM] M: and the only thing that I can think of to try to convince your heart isn't exactly the most sensitive reason
[1:35:42 PM] V: ?
[1:35:52 PM] M: well,
[1:36:42 PM] M: the sooner you break it off with him the sooner he can start and finish his grieving and get on with his life and maybe find someone who does return his feelings (... I told you it wasn't all that sensitive)
[1:39:46 PM] V: i know
[1:39:57 PM] V: it's so logical

I'll tell you what's going to change... I'm going to stick up for myself... eventually. And get all my shit together (weight wise). Be single. Sleep with muscles (whom i've texted a few times now ;)  ). Enjoy my summer off. Have nice things in my apartment.

Here's the plan. Starting Monday (because there's a book club thingy on Sunday *sigh*.
Slimfast for 3 days - Using their actual plan of 2 shakes (245 calories each) and one meal. With the exception that the one meal probably won't be the 500 calories they suggest... and I won't be eating 3-4 100 calorie snacks.

Monday:
Emergen-C first thing (pump up those nutrients) (25)
Oatmeal at school (120)  breakfast
Black coffee during the day
celery (20)/an apple (80) for recess snack
Slim fast for lunch (245)
Recess snack = whichever I didn't eat at first recess (celery or apple)
Slim fast for dinner (245)
Total? - 735 SAFE number. Tuesday will be a little different because there's a staff lunch. Ugh god. Why did i sign up for it?

I need some fucking control. No more eating supper out at a restaurant. No more subway. If I go into a restaurant I order a large diet coke. THAT IS ALLLLLL. (black coffee is also acceptable) At least I'm holding steady at 184. I haven't jogged in 2 weeks. I would start tomorrow, but I really need the symmetry starting on a monday affords me. Next week i will start C25K AGAIN. Third time in a 2 month periods the charm right?

This is me at the party last weekend at 177. :D Sorry it's dark. Look how happy I am catching up with Dave. Lisa was being a little freaky at the time, so the smile's a bit forced, but seriously. I'm not even trying to pop out my collar bones. :)

I need some control. I need more words of wisdom from all of you. :) I know I need to tell Greg the deal, but I need to find a good way to say it that is definite and final. Do I tell him my stomach turned when he tried to be intimate with me? Do I tell him I have a bad feeling and I need to go with my gut? The last time I initiated a break up was in high school. I'm so not cut out for this.

Sorry for being so consistantly needy lately :(

I love you dollies.
Pictures brought to you by the beautiful outdoors. :) NSFW though.... there's a nip slip in one of them.