After a lengthy phone conversation it is over. It wound it's way that way, and finally he started to hear what I was saying. I right off the hop I said I couldn't tell if I was saying I wanted to try because I actually wanted to or if I was doing it to make him happy. It took another 30 minutes of conversation for us to get around the bush to the part where I said "I just don't want to be with you when we're not talking, and then when we do talk I still am not completely convinced that I want to be with you" and he said "well we can't have that in a relationship. That can't work, maybe you should just end it" and I said "well that's it then".... he promptly responded "I have to go" and then it was quiet for a full minute and I reminded him that we would need to separate our things at the apartment, and asked him if he would like me to email when i knew what days i'd be back in the city. He agreed, then another silent minute and he said "bye" and I said bye and hung up before anything could happen to convince me to go back on my word.
So that's it. He said he couldn't help but feel like the last 4 years was a joke and a lie. It wasn't. I know that. I was his first girlfriend. I hope he can find someone who can love him for everything he is, and everything he isn't. I know he will, and he will love her so much, and not take her for granted because he lost one love already.
He asked if we would ever be together again, and I told him I didn't know. All I knew is that I want to be single and not tied down right now so I can focus on my work, and not have to worry about anyone else. I said who knows what may happen in the future. Maybe in 6 months you'll call me and tell me you've been thinking things through. Maybe at the end of next year I'll come to some kind of realization, or you'll want to talk to me. I have no idea, but right now it's done.
Time for me to go to bed, but I wanted to update, for anyone who is following. It is officially over. I know I've made the right decision, but it still breaks my heart. The tears flow like summer rain; beginning in their own time and drying up as quickly as they came. I am alone, for the first time in a very long time. :(
I really feel for you, but it sounds like you have made the right decision for now. Take some time to work out who you are and what you want on your own terms. If things are/were meant to be with him then only time will tell, but for now just work on your own happiness.
ReplyDeleteAJ xx
You've made the right decision. You're young and you need to live for yourself. Being tied down, long distance, with someone who wont communicate or let you be yourself is torture. You should be able to do and be and buy what you want. Even married, allowing yourself to be manipulated by guilt is a hollow, lonely existence. You are beautiful and smart. You have to follow your instincts, and knowing Mr. Right Here isn't necessarily Mr. Right is powerful and shouldn't be ignored. Good girl!
ReplyDeleteI know it hurts...but you DID make the right decision.
ReplyDelete~MLM
That's it for both of us then. I ended it properly two days ago and have never seen a grown man cry so much. My heart is broken too. But even though I feel this awful kind of grief, I still believe I made the right decision and I believe you have too. What's totally fucked is that we are still living together and sleeping in the same bed. He doesn't want any of our friends to know until I find a new place, so I'm living a lie in public. Everything is just so surreal at the moment. I hope you are okay, I know you will be. Have you heard from Muscles again at all? Or are you giving that a break for now? By the way I never commented on how amazing you looked in that photo you posted a few days ago... sexy lady!! You are looking fantastic these days. I think your single life will be very rewarding xxxx
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry darling. Breaking up always hurts. Endings hurt, but there is promise for beginning.
ReplyDeleteI'm starting to think of leaving Che, so perhaps soon I will be joining your boat.
You are in my heart x
Stay strong, hunny. You sound like you are thinking about what is best for you in the long term, which is exactly what you should be thinking about. It's so, so sad at first, but you'll be okay. Just focus on you. Thinking positive thoughts for you. xoxo
ReplyDelete