Why am i so sad? (and a GIVEAWAY)

Thanksgiving Sunday... why am I sad?

I promised Billy he could sleep in before we go out to Moose Lake today.... He had to sleep at his house last night because his mom is still recovering from surgery and can't let the big dog in and out on her own. So I went to bed bummed out. ... For the last month of Sundays (and then some) he's been sleeping at my house Saturday nights, or I've been at his house, so I've gotten a good fill of snuggles in. Last night no snuggles. This morning no snuggles. I'm all hormonal at the end of the second week of my period, and I'm sad because it's a holiday and holidays make me miss my Mommy. :( *sigh* I can't sleep in on my own unless I'm sick and I'm not really sick anymore. I got up at 8:30... made the cranberry sauce for supper tonight. went to his house. he was sleeping and his mom was gone to church already, so the house was all locked up. I do not have a key, so i went to mcdonalds to get us coffee. Now i'm back at my house crying. Coffee is in the car... I didn't bother to tell him I'm sad. I don't want to suck him down into it with me. I just don't know.. i feel so down. Part of me is sad because I don't know how Billy feels about me. I mean I know he likes me, but I like him a lot a lot... and his family likes me (not that I would ever let that have any bearing on how he feels for me. You don't date someones family. It's really just a huge bonus if you all get along). I just wish he would tell me something, anything. I want him to call me beautiful like he did every morning while i was away. I know that him taking me out means he wants to spend time with me and wants to be out with me, but I dunno. I'm so boy dumb, I suck at this game. This is the point where if I didn't know any better and hadn't talked with his mom about him and he hadn't told me he sabotages good relationships, I would just end it, so I didn't have to feel so emotionally stranded. PLEASE NOTE: this is not his fault. This is me hiding my feelings from him. bad me. I am purposely not telling him how much I like him, or that I'm pretty much in love with him because i can't handle the rejection that could come with that. :( I'll feel better in half an hour when I go over and get some snuggles in before we hit the road.


Weight wise, I'm doing alright. Two days ago I was 193. Yesterday I was 191 and this morning I was 188.5! Hooray! I've been MEGA restricting. Last night Billy wanted to take me out for dinner. So we went out. I had 2/3 of a chicken burger and a tossed salad without any dressing on it. Other than that, I'd had 1 of my mini pies that I made to take for dinner and a bunch of black coffee. I'll post a picture of them at the end of this post. This morning I will lie and say I've eaten already and drink the coffee that's getting cold in my car.I didn't even eat when I got home. We went to a hockey game after supper, and then to his friend's place where he was helping tile a bathroom. I had one vodka and diet coke. So I technically haven't eaten since 7:30 last night. Inadvertent 16 hour fast... so far. I'm not sure when I'll eat next. I just don't want to. My tummy is grumbling but I'm telling it to go fuck itself. Stupid holidays. Stupid everyone getting to see their families. Stupid everyone being happy and having a mother and shit. :( Fuck. That's really all it is. I miss my mom, and I miss her terribly. :( :( I know she'd be proud of my life but she's not here and it makes me so ridiculously sad. (I'm still crying). I talked to my dad on the phone on Thursday and he's so angry all the time. It's really hard for me to be around angry people and not feel resentful and I'm trying so hard to stay positive here. He wants to come visit and I almost don't want him to. That's horrible. He's just so mopey. And I know it's his way of dealing with not having his wife anymore, but it affects me too... and I need to take care of myself. *sigh* whatever. We'll see what happens.

Sorry this post is so sad and depressing. I've fallen behind reading your blogs again but i have a feeling i'll get all caught up on monday. It's as if my brain has been avoiding the things that will trigger my control, and now i'm ready to be in control again.

So to celebrate that, and the fact that I have 50 BEAUTIFUL followers, I'm going to do a giveaway!!! Up for grabs are one of these 4 little notebooks (see above). :) They're beautiful, just like you :) All you need to do to enter is comment on this post. It doesn't even have to be about this post in any way. You could literally scroll down and write " . " and I'd give it to you. By next Sunday I'll put all you into some kind of hat draw system and post the winners. Then you'll have to send me your addresses, so ya know, I can send you the goods.

These are my mini pumpkin pies. :) They're in muffin tins.

Alright. Time for me to show up at the bf's house. Love you all. xoxo. Good luck this weekend.