Fuuuuck I'm gross

Anybody there? Does anybody read my blog when it pops up in their reader? Well, let's just jump right in shall we?

Weight: I honestly have no clue, but I'm going to guess that I'm up around 215 based on the amount of pie and ice cream I've been eating on a consistent basis. Along with any other shitty thing I could get my greedy little paws back on. When I look in the mirror I feel disgusting. My body looks soft and like I'm back up at 250 again. When the man I'm dating and I hit the sheets... I'm suuuuuuper self conscious. I feel just gross about everything. Time to change. Time to track calories again. Time to be honest with myself. I can't just eat whatever I want, I have to take responsibility for my actions and what goes into my mouth. I might bring myself to step on the scale tomorrow, but we'll see.... I'm scared of what I'm going to see.

Under 800 calories today... including 2 glasses of wine! WINNING

I keep trying to do this alone, and just "wing it" but I can't. I have come back to this page so many times this week. I just can't do it by myself. It ALWAYs results in me over-eating. Like binge worthy eating. I have binged more nights than not in the past 2 weeks, undo-ing all my hard work over the summer. I didn't lose a lot of weight this summer, but I slimmed down from working out every day and walking the fitness trail twice a day. Not to mention going to the beach and swimming. Oh the freedom summer allowed me. And when it's nice out I just don't feel like eating. The moment it's cold I just want to stuff my face.

Many many things have transpired since I last posted. Kat moved in with me.... and it was hard to get a blog in. She seemed to CONSTANTLY be around. After her and her ex broke up she didn't want to be alone. Actually that started before they broke up. But after she moved in with me it was suddenly assumed that we'd do everything together. Now her new bf is back in town, after a prison stint (for a second DUI) broken up by a few 2 week periods away at a camp job. He just got on with a company here in town, so she hasn't been home in like 2 weeks. She's essentially living with him, but all her shit is still here... sometimes literally. Man does my roomie know how to DESTROY a toilet. Occasionally she comes home to poop (or puke) and the toilet is fucking the worst thing ever. The last time she came home I told her she needs to clean up after her self because I can't anymore. She was gone for a whole week, toilet stayed spotless. She came home for a "nap" BOOM shit storm.

Things in my personal life are alright. Subbing isn't as great as it was at the beginning of the year. I'm pretty much working half time (which translates to NOT being able to pay all my bills lol) My friend Hollee works at the hospital at the Clinic, and they're desperate for casual staff. She was casual last year and she only didn't work 2 weeks. I don't want that much work, since I'm still trying to get my foot in the door for a job here, but something to fill in the gaps would be nice. I'm collecting Employment Insurance, but it's not enough. I applied at the hospital today, because the clinic is desperate for casual workers. We'll see how this goes.It's pretty much an office job, of which I've had many.

Love Life update: (always the longest part of my blog)
Clayton turned out to be a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge douche bag. Long story short, I started dating Mike from the ball team I played on this summer, and it overlapped a little, like I was dating two people at once. Then I chose Mike over Clayton, but then Mike and I had a weird falling out, it's a long story, and a couple weeks later Clayton and I were talking again. Then Clayton came home from camp again and he was super like not in touch. Before he came home he was calling me every night and asking me to send him a picture of me smiling. Super sweet, I want to try, kind of things. Then he came home and A) He lied about his flight not leaving in the morning. I looked it up in the evening when I was checking if his plane had left, and it said the morning flight had left. He was too hung over to get on it. B) when he did come home, he didn't even send me a text to say he landed safely up here, and the weather was shitty, and there was a good chance his plane wouldn't be able to land (like Easter last year when mine didn't... oh and i guess his too, since that's how we met. Click here to read that story) Side note - A few days before this was that Halloween social, which I texted Mike to say he should come to, which he didn't but it opened the lines of communication. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Mike texted me to hangout or do something. Finally Tuesday, I say I'm seeing someone. So I finally call Clayton's parents house because he's staying there until the Spring when he buys his house (he has almost enough money in the bank to buy a house at the lake) and he says he's talking to his dad and he'll call me when he's done. He texts me at like 10 and is like, hey what are you doing. We talk for a bit and he's like "wanna bang" I'm like SO BAD. Then he says, i dunno it's late (by this point it's like 10:30), and I assure him that he can sleep here, heck he can even shower here, it's all good. So I go pick him up. Something just seems off. He's not sweet to me in the car. He grabs my hand, but instead of holding it he tries to put it on his dick..... ummmmmm. no? he takes a shower, we snuggle down in bed and start watching The Notebook (his choice). We do ummm have .... "relations" but it's short lived and disappointing, and afterwards there's no snuggling. He just puts the movie back on and kinda sleeps in a way that there's no way I can snuggle on him. So disappointing. That was Wednesday night. I drop him off at home on Thursday morning. He kisses me and says "call me after work" as he leaves. I figure we're ok. I miss my call to sub, so I don't end up working anyway. I wait to call him at 4 as though I were, no answer. I text him a bit later. no reply. Finally at 6:30 he texts me "If you get prego I'll fucking kill you" "Lol" "but i'm not shittin you". I reply with things like i'm keeping that message in case i go missing, and are you mad at me? or did i do something wrong??? He doesn't reply. at 9:30 I call the house... he's not there. At 10 I'm so mad I go for a drive... his truck is at the local drinking hole. I start thinking .... wow. Mike is chasing me to spend time with me and I'm letting this loser ruin my day/evening/life. I fucking hate sitting around waiting for some guy to maybe call me. And it wouldn't ever get any better with Clayton. He was with his ex 9 years, and she never knew where he was, and he was drunk most of the time when he was home from work. yeesh. How stupid have I been?

So I text Mike and say I think I've made a huuuuuge mistake with him after I see Clayton's truck at the bar. he says maybe we should go for coffee tomorrow (Friday). I say that's a great idea! The next day, coffee turns into dinner, but a quick one, because he has pool league that evening. he says i'll call you after that. and he does. *sigh* so nice to have someone call when they say they will. I should mention that the first date we had was to the drive in theater  and he picked me up at my door step and paid, and didn't try to lay a finger on me during the movie, but walked me to my door and kissed me good night lol. Like old fashioned :) Even for a couple weeks after that, I'd go over and watch football with him or we'd watch a movie and it would be like no contact until I go to leave, then he'd kiss me at the door. Anyway I had like half a salad at dinner. I get all butterflies in the tummy around him. Always have, the whole summer. Every time we went out or hung out. Still do a little. Anyway. He says wanna come over? of course i do! he offers me a beer. It's a Michelob Ultra (low carb and calorie count. he works out :) ) He offers me a second, I say I shouldn't because i can't drive home with 2 beer in me after that half a salad for dinner and the roads being all slippery. he says well you can just stay over. . . . ok. 4 or 5 beer later, i'm hammered. It appears we've just picked up EXACTLY where we left off without me ever having to talk about being a psychopath lol. So that's that. We've been seeing each other 1-3 times a week ever since lol. Not super serious. We might have a small conversation via text at some point in the day, but maybe not. Dating. Exclusively, though I've never asked him. But I'm like 99% sure he's not seeing anyone else. I should probably ask, but I like the way things are going right now. I don't see him every day, and I'm ok with that. I realized after Clayton (the second time when he threatened to kill me) that I haven't spent any time alone since my Mom died. And then I realized that I can be alone. So I like this space. I like my freedom. I'm not lonely in my apartment without my roomie or a man to keep me company. I appreciate the silence. And being able to choose what music I'm listening to. And what movie I want to watch.

Anyway. I'm happy. This is the first step toward regaining my control. that and the calorie counting app I downloaded for my e-reader. This shit is not happening again. I'm fixing this now. I want to eat something soooooo fucking bad, but the thought of having to add calories to my app keeps me from doing it. Thank god. Someone or something has to keep me accountable (I'm counting blogging as the someone part)

G'night lovelies.