Grr. Well at least the health challenge has started

What a weird weekend. soo Friday saw 196.5 on the scale.... ugh. This morning I was 195.1. I'm pretty constipated. Fuck. how do I just keep getting heavier????? GOD DAMNIT. I"M SO TIRED OF BEING FAT!!!

Aaaaalright. Friday, I went out for appetizers with some friends, then played some board games for a bit. It was boring and one of the two people (the host of the board game portion) was tooootally ignoring me. Not on purpose, but it's like he didn't hear anything I was saying. Whatever, I left early and went to bed. Billy stayed home, since he has to work at 9am Saturday mornings.

Saturday was retarded. I was mad at Billy because he hasn't really spent any time with me since he got back from vacation. I asked him about it and he said it was because he didn't really get any alone time on vacation. I was pretty grumpy at him at Tim's house and then when we came back to my place.... He went to go down on me and I stopped him and asked him what this was to him.... And if it was just sex, and started crying. He was immediately turned off (duh) and said insecurity is the biggest turn off in a girl. He said if it was just sex he wouldn't have introduced me to his family. Ugh. I said I know how I feel but I have no idea how you feel. (this was not the way I wanted the talk to happen... ugh). He just kept saying "I don't know what to say right now". I told him I was scared, he said I didn't need to be. He said "I might never be able to tell you how I feel". What does that mean?? I said "that's ok. Whatever, if you didn't care for me, you wouldn't be here." He said "exactly" and pulled me onto his chest and we fell asleep. In the morning, when he woke up, he rolled over and started kissing me... then he went to go down on me, and on his way down said "don't be silly, just let me do this for you." And did he ever... Like, multiple orgasms for me :) Spent Sunday being lazy. Made us waffles, hung out on the couch watching Football and playing little Facebook games. Went to his house, he made us supper and we chilled all afternoon and evening. Played some video games (I knitted), watched a movie, and generally enjoyed each others company. I'm still a little bit worried about weirding him out... Like I think I majorly freaked him out :( I'm just going to pretend I didn't do that. And I'm going to give him some space. Let him come to me, let him initiate our time together. If that makes me a pathetic girl...well then I am.

--Later--

Ok. Things are good. I think. I'm positive. Today was his day off, we texted back and forth all day in our normal fashion. Then after school he sent me a text that said "I've been thinking about the family gathering thing a big and talking it over with mom and dad too" (because we were going to drive overnight on Saturday night to get to my family thing on Sunday). I tried not to panic and asked if this was a conversation we should have in person... getting a little freaked out. and he said "I'm not overly excited to be traveling at night when it's going to be so cold... just don't think it's too smart" which it isn't... and if it snowed even a little bit we'd be fucked, and possibly stuck in the 10 foot ditches. Normally, when I'm in psycho mode (a la Saturday night) I would have fallen off the deep end with questions  like "don't you want to meet my family? aren't I important to you?"... but instead I said "you're right, maybe we should sit this one out. There will be more gatherings". He said he was really sorry but that he thought the best idea was to not go. I said  "don't be sorry babe :) I'm not upset". He said that's what he was worried about. Things are good, as long as I can get my sex fill every couple of days, I'll be happy and rational. :D Never again will I go like 16 days... that was stupid.

Then he texted to say he was going for a nap... and I did my first day of P90X. All of my muscles will hate me tomorrow. The scale might also hate me. I have no idea. The tape measure hated me. My waist is 3 inches bigger than it was this summer. I know 3 inches isn't a lot when you're my size, but it was depressing none the less. Maybe that's what's been missing in my motivation... numbers other than the scale.

Anywho, tomorrow is Tuesday, and I'm going to Zumba class instead of doing p90x cardio. I agreed to go with Hollee, and we've been getting along really well lately, and I don't have a whole lot of female friends, so Hollee and I will Zumba it up. It's only 6 classes in January. I'll miss all the "CardioX" parts of p90x this month, and possibly the yoga days, though I think i might try to do the yoga anyway after I get home from Zumba. 

Lord help me, I'm fat and lazy. Working out every day is going to be hard for me for the first bit. I miss the summer when I walked or jogged/ran every day. I cannot wait for walking weather... that and sunlight. It's overcast cloudy EVERY DAY here. There was a brief period of sun today and one day last week as the sun was going down. Makes me grumpy... Guess I'll just need to get extra sex, though this weeks workout schedule will make that difficult/painful... erg lol.

Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway. I hope you all had a great Monday. I'll ttyl. XOXO

weigh in tomorrow

It's 2:30am. I'm tired. But I'm terrified of my weigh in tomorrow  morning.


Went out to play pool with Billy. Met some of his other friends. Came back to his house to watch a movie, could NOT get warm. I said "yeesh, I'm so cold". Billy said "No you're not, you're hot. No really, you are." Won't he think I'm fucking amazing when I get down to a size 10 (or lower... but baby steps).

Fucking terrified of the scale right now. I'm going to drink some Metamucil before I go to bed. Hopefully get everything moving before the morning.

Picking up the slack

Weight... I have no idea... if I had to guess right now, I'd guess like 195, then I'd cry. Not stepping on the scale until Friday.

I bailed on the cabbage soup diet. Billy invited me for dinner with his grandpa and then I realized it would be really hard to hide it from him... so instead i'll just be a workout machine... even though i'm lazy. Oh and I threw out all of the food I could binge on. Like seriously. I feel like binging so bad right now... what a fucking horrible addiction. I feel like I neeeeeed to binge, probably just out of habit. :( Luckily all i have in my house now is food that requires preparing, and fresh fruits and veggies. I want to eat a sleeve of stone ground wheat thins. And a loaf of bread. Carbs and sweets, those are my fucking kryptonite. I had some flopped fudge in my fridge that I'd been shovelling into my mouth, along with ice cream, crackers, popcorn and millions (seemingly) of other foods. They are in the trash can. Buried. I don't have any peanut butter, and I'm not sure I will replace it anytime soon.

I want to try P90X... but I'm lazy and bad at following through. I think I will try the "lean" program. Starting Monday, the first day of the health challenge.

Anywho, I'm fat and grumpy and tired. Soooooo I'll talk to you ladies later.

Bingety binge binge

Oh fuck. Whatever good I've done in the last few days has been undone by two days of binging. My self confidence issues and worries about my relationship ending suddenly without any notice or hints have manifested themselves through food. That and all those plans I had to tell Billy I love him... that weighed heavily on my mind. Then I talked to my aunt and I told her I'd rather him say it first, and she said "so wait then. You clearly both love each other by your actions". And guess what.. no more psycho, "OMG DOES HE LOVE ME OR DOES HE HATE ME AND WANT TO DUMP ME" mentality. I asked him if he was mad at me yesterday because he didn't stay over (which usually happens on Saturdays) and he said absolutely not, everything is wonderful. And it is. Our only problems are me being insecure... and me being fat lol.

I have NOOOO idea how much I weigh. I'm too scared to look. I'm going to wait until Friday to check. Luckily yoga is supposed to start this week along with dodgeball. And it's hard to binge eat while at school, because ya know, I'm supposed to be teaching. ... Ugh. tomorrow will be shitty. It's 2am and I'm finally going to bed... and I have to get up at 7 to make my day ready because I did absolutely NO planning over my break. Yeesh. I suck at this teacher game. :P

Anywho. Night lovelies. I hope you all ate less than I did this weekend.
XO

He's home and everything is right in the world.

Impractical Shopper and Peridot you two are the sweetest girls ever. :) Your comments always make me smile. :)

190.7 this morning. Alright. Two days with the same number, I will take it, considering we had chips (i ate sooooooooo  many less than I normally do) and beef jerkey (I only had like 5 little squares!! Go me!).

Soooo they came home an hour earlier than I was expecting, so perogie pizza was not ready, i didn't have make-up on, and i didn't brush my hair. Lol. I was going to put so much effort into looking nice and having everything ready for them when they came home. Instead I was taking a nap when they got home lol.. It's ok. He was still happy to see me.

When we finally got back to my place, he pulled me onto him on the couch and just held me for like half an hour. :) Sooo nice. :) :) We sat and watched the news, and snuggled, then went to my room and snuggled. My period actually made an apparent appearance so when that moment came i was all "Oh god, you're going to hate me for this...." but he didn't. We made out for like 40 minutes. :) Aaaaaaaaaaand then had sex in the shower. It was so sweet. :) Then we lay in bed and he told me he missed me, and everything he missed about me while he was gone. I didn't tell him I love him though.. not yet. It will happen, I'm just too scarred to say it. He did ask a few times "what cha thinkin'?" but I just said "lotsa stuff :)". Yeaaaaaaaaaah... I'm just going to wait for one of those moments where I can barely not say it and just let it come out.

Alright. There is a "Health Challenge" in Flin Flon from January 17-February 26. There is a little grid to fill out every week. Then there are extra challenges. This is the daily stuff.

Week 1	Mo	Tu	We	Th	Fr	Sa	Su
Eat healthy/restrict junk food
Eat breakfast
eat fish 2x per week
veggies/fruits 7X per day
me time (15 min)
water 6-8 cups
physical activity 30 min - 5 days a week
sleep 7-8 hours
limit alcohol - 2 drinks per day

For whatever reason the gridlines didn't show up... Boooooooooooo. Oh well. Took some laxatives at lunch time.(ouch, they hurt this time :( ) Had my bacon and egg (singular) and flax seed toast. I'm going to run across the street right away and get some groceries. Fresh veggies ... maybe I'll try the cabbage soup diet again? Yes. I think I will do that. I'll make the soup today and start tomorrow. It's too late to start today anyway. Maybe I'll do it then take a week off then do it again. ... or not. We'll see how it goes. I don't think I've ever finished a cabbage soup diet to begin with...

This is what Billy brought me back from Cuba. He said they had rings that he thought about bringing me but they weren't that nice.

 Anywho, gonna go get groceries before the laxatives make their way to the other end of my digestive tract. Fingers crossed they're done their thing before Billy's done work. He's "nerding it up" with his PS3 tonight. He bought a game we'd both like (awww) Skyrim. :D Sooooo tonight we nerd. :D

Love you lovelies.
XOXO


UPDATE: My brain is rolling back to counting calories. Time to buy safe foods and dust off the old measuring cups. :)

Day 9 - IT"S OVER!!!

WARNING: VULGAR SEX TALK IN THIS POST

In 5 hours Billy will be home with me!!

190.7 this morning, after drinking water and half a can of pop. Cannot wait to wake up in my own apartment so i can weigh myself first thing.

My upper back is killing me from that 7 minute workout. Who knew flexing your muscles as hard as possible 4 times for only 30 seconds could leave in you in so much pain? My butt also hurts like I did a shit tonne of squats.

I restricted yesterday. One meal and some soy nuts as a snack. Went to Jordana's at 11ish, she was sad over her ex. That girl is suuuuuuuuch a bitch to have hurt her this way. We had a good heart to heart. Loreena left around 1 ish and I stayed and chatted with Jordana until almost 4 in the morning. Billy texted me at 11:30 to say he was in the country! He missed me! And he has a present for me that he thinks I'll really like. I told him he didn't have to, but I'm very happy that he did. I got my period. :( I was spotting for a few days now but I was hoping that the depo would keep me from getting a period... though to be fair, it's sooooooooooo light I don't even have to use anything.. I wonder if I should chance sex... or just be up front about it and have to wait. Gah. I can barely go 4 days without sex normally, 9 days has been a stretch of the imagination.. though my sex drive pretty much disappeared when he left. Like I couldn't even masturbate... weird. Pretty sure all I need is a kiss and I'll be rearing to go. I bet if there is enough foreplay my period will be non existent. It's not even coming out of me of it's own accord anyway... just do a little tidy, get reeeeeeeeeeeally turned on and i should be good to go. Right? Yeah. I'm going to go with that one. Wish me luck.

I'm so friggin' nervous for him to come home. I don't think he's listened to the voicemails yet... he probably won't until he gets to the Manitoba border (otherwise he'd have to pay long distance to check his voice mail) which according to my map is riiiiiiiiiiiight when he gets to Flin Flon. Flin Flon is right on the border between Manitoba and Saskatchewan, part of it is even in Saskatchewan. Soooo I should be safe from any awkward until riiiiiight before he gets here. The cell phone reception for his drive home is particularly bad, so contact while they're driving will be limited. I told him pizza would be waiting for him, he said I'm the best. What does that mean? Is that the boy equivalent of I love you? Bah. He's said it like a bajillion times before he left. And as he was driving away from me his Facebook status was "I have the bestest girlfriend ever". Plan for when he comes home:

• Have perogie pizza ready for his family. 
• Kidnap Billy and whisk him back to my apartment
• Give him a new years kiss under the "Happy New Year" banner I stole from the bar
• Snuggle the shit out of him
• Possibly have some sexy time
• Fall asleep on his chest
• Wake up before him
• Give him a sexy wake up bj
• Cook him bacon
• Send him off to work with a smile on his face

If he doesn't love me after all of this, plus all of the other awesomeness I've brought to the table, he's a damn fool!

Alright. No meals until they come home. I had a small bowl of 1/2 cheerios, 1/2 all bran. Gotta keep my poops regular... without laxatives.

Ok. 3.5 hours until I turn the oven on. Then the real countdown begins.... fuuuuuuuuuuuuck I'm nervous....

Day 8 almost over

Tomorrow Billy comes home!!!

OH, I FIXED THE VIDEO I POSTED OF ME SINGING. :)

194.5 kill me now. At least I only had 1 meal today and I managed to make it until 4:30 before I did, and I snacked on some dehydrated soy beans. And like 4 diet pepsis, and some tea. Fingers are crossed for tomorrow.... I hope he doesn't come home and think "oh god, my girlfriend is a fatty...". Today I looked in the mirror, and I looked like I was 250 pounds again. Like literally, looked exactly like it. Shit. Do I look like I wear a size 18 or 20 pant again??? ugh. Why can't I just control my mouth? (i mean my eating, not my talking)

Did pilates today after I cleaned my apartment. Also did my "shapely secrets" 7 minute workout video. It's just holding muscle contractions. I used it in second year, and they give you a little chart to track your weight and inches and there was some pretty drastic changes pretty quickly. Like in a couple of weeks there was at least an inch difference.. then I got bad at doing it. I'm going to try to keep doing pilates in the morning, possibly followed by the shapely secrets video. :) This is one of the few reasons I'm glad I live alone. I can do pilates in my living room and nobody sees me. Nobody thinks, wtf is she doing? Unless there's someone on the roof of Co-op.

Does anyone know why I can't upload a template and have it save? Grrr. I tried using different browsers but it just won't let me save it after I paste the html code... Ah well. I'm not nerdy enough to fix it.

I'm ridiculously excited for Billy to come home. Today passed pretty quickly, but this evening is draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagging on. The rest of the time he's been gone I've been in bed by now (even if I went back out after I was dolled up for bed time). Now I'm not tired at all. I was going to make the pizza dough this evening... but I don't think Billy's mom has yeast in the house. I was going to bring mine from my house but my brain was so frazzled this morning from not eating anything and drinking coffee.

I skyped with my sister for like and hour and a half. We talked about Dad a little bit. Gah. It's not that I hate my father, but he's so hard to be around. He thinks I resent him because my mom died, I don't. I don't know, maybe I do a little bit... Maybe I resent him putting so much effort into "saving her" when there was nothing that could be done, and ignoring the rest of our family. Even when they put her in palliative care, and she had so much fluid surrounding her organs she could barely breathe, and they were draining it every day. Even when she started babbling and talking about seeing through floors and the colour of ice, he still believed she would recover. I hope that someday I have a husband who loves me so much that even as I lay dying he still believes I'll get up and walk away. Maybe it's that talking to my dad reminds me of my mom and that's painful... It's sad, but I think to myself why do we have to get along... we don't have to force it if it's not going to happen.

Anywho... I'm going to go ... not sleep. :( Frack. 21 hours until I see my baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayby. And either he loves me and misses me and can't wait to hold me, or he's realized I'm a lard-o and he can do better. Fingers are crossed.

Love you ladies.
xoxo

Day 7... whatever.

Two more days!!! 

Alright. I have no clue what I weigh right now. It's just been eat eat eat eat eat eat eat... for the past two days. I think I'm stressed over my drunk/crying voice mail. Actually I know I'm stressed over it. I don't want to smother him, so i'm worried that I've sent too many voice mails/text messages while he's been away. I have sent 1 email, 2 drunk voice mails, and 1 text message. That doesn't sound over the top... but I'm so fucking paranoid. Fuck my life. I wish my brain hadn't been all screwed up by Greg. Anytime I showed him affection he brushed it off, anytime I initiated contact/sex/snuggling he literally pushed me off. Now I'm worried that initiating saying I love you will end up the same as with dumb-dumb. Have I told you this story yet? Well my apologies if I have already because here it is:

When I fell for Greg (in the beginning when he was nice to me and not a complete controlling asshole who wanted me to not have a job and live on a self sufficient community with no car, no job and no internet/phone....), he knew I'd been dancing around the subject of love for a couple of weeks. Finally he drove me home (gasp.. this like neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever happened... he didn't feel it was fair for me to expect him to drive me home when i owned a bus pass. sooo many sunday's after dinner at my grandparents and he'd phone to say he got home safely (he lived out of town) and I'd still be waiting for my transfer... super douche bag). Anyway, he drove me home and we were lying on my futon  and he said "is there something you want to say to me. i know you've been wanting to say it for a while, so you should just tell me" and i finally broke down and said "i love you" and his response was "now that i'm older and more mature, i realize how much responsibility those words require.. and i'm just not ready to say it". Oh god. I'm fucking scarred.

Also, sorry that the video of me singing I posted didn't work. :( I'll try to fix it when I'm home next, which might be tomorrow but might not. I have so much shit to do before they come home. I've already washed all of Billy's bedding, and I'm going to spray my perfume under the covers so the second night he's home (the first night I'm stealing him) he'll smell me and think of me/want me to be in bed with him. :) I'm a sneaky girl... or manipulative.. but i prefer sneaky because it doesn't make me sound evil. Frack. I've got it bad. I want him to move in with me and love me forever. I want to spend every morning we have off together lying in each others arms

Sooooo tomorrow's plan:

• DO NOT EAT. 
•  Do pilates in the morning. 
• Weigh myself. 
• Shudder/cry at the number on the scale. 
• Make pizza dough to put in the fridge to set. 
•  Buy a bag of perogies and container of sour cream for the perogie pizza I intend to have ready for Billy when he comes home.... 

Perhaps I'll take big dog for a car ride again. I did that today and we walked for 20ish minutes... but it was fuuuuucking cold out and i hadn't thought to bring a toque. Tomorrow if we take a puppy walk down the old highway I will dress appropriately, though it's normally not that windy up here in the North.

Anyway. Two more sleeps for me :( I just want this time apart to be over.
Love you girlies. XOXO

recording i promised.

Here. It's a "video" just so I could upload it to Facebook. I'm singing in this one. I wrote the song in high school.. yeah. I was that cool!

Day 5 - aaaaaaaaalrighty then

4 Days  :)

Sorry the audio is so quiet... I need to figure out how to make it louder.

Frig. I totally re-recorded my drunk voice mail to Billy like 3 times... then pressed the wrong button. So the one I sent him had me crying at the end and saying "Love you, bye". Farg. Freaking out a little bit. but whatever. He must know deep down how I feel. Fuck I am waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too drunk to be blogging right now. Watch my vlog. :)

When I'm next at my own apartment I will post the video I mentioned in my non-drunk vlog above (of my friend and I singing).

Happy New Year. XOXO

This is the year we take the world by storm. :)