Run #2...

Wednesday - 211.6

B - 1 Apple sliced, with peanut butter
L - Chunk of sausage, and 2 eggs
After school - Blueberry scone (ugh. Carbs. Tomorrow this will not happen)
S - (after my run) SO MUCH FOODING HAPPENED HERE. Pretty sure i'm going back to skipping breakfast (see below) I didn't binge, but I definitely ate more than I should have. Pretty sure I'm getting close to the point of counting calories

So I tried this new thing where I eat breakfast.... we'll see what the scale tells me tomorrow morning....

Also. I decided to start Fab Ab February today. Since the calendar I was working off of started on a Wednesday. I did it at lunch. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I made a workout calendar for this month!!!! My runs are written in, including what week I'm on. Also, I am going to try to insert some swimming in for cross training (read: extra calorie burning) purposes. So much for breaking myself in slowly for maintainability. Run #2 was brought to me by The Band Peri. Didn't put my podcast on my ipod. Used the stopwatch instead! GENIUS.

I was reading through old blog posts on this blog, didn't dare venture back to my previous blog. I found this post That is my inspiration for before summer begins. I've got a little bit of collar bone, barely any tummy and my arms are much thinner than currently. I still wear the same clothes, they just don't look as good. (but still fit?? WTF?) I'm going to be my own inspiration for the beginning phase of this transformation. BECAUSE I DID IT ONCE! I CAN DO IT AGAIN!!! I mean part of my overall demeanor in the vlog was meeting Billy and just being absolutely smitten with him. (I know I deserve better than Clayton) Also, I started a twitter @aspiring_human because it's more user friendly than tumblr.

Anywho, I'm rambling and I should be sleeping. Might work tomorrow. Haven't decided yet. . . . but FAB ABS first thing.

XOXO Love you all
Nessa

Revisitng previous progress (picture heavy)

Tuesday 212.4

B - Coffee
L - 1/2 salmon fillet. steamed veggies. teaspoon of peanut butter.
After school - sugar free, skim coconut latte
S - couple spoons of cottage cheese, 2 eggs with salsa, 2 tsp peanut butter
Before "The Importance of Being Ernest" rehearsal - 1 real fruit popsicle

My waist is 1 inch from being my regular "size 14" size (i measured at night. not optimal i know). I put on teacher pants this morning that I haven't worn since November. Little bit of muffin top, but I hid it well with a black tank top and a strategically cut cardigan. Helped that the pants are black. I want to fit into my summer pants from last year by the end of February, or middle of March at the latest. I don't even want to be ridiculously thin, just happy with myself. I was sooooooo happy with where I was at when i moved here (see picture below). I weighed 170 at that point. Not bad eh? I carry a lot of lean muscle mass (Everytime I get any kind of body testing done, it's re-affirmed. And trainers and doctors alike are always surprised. Yeah. I'm fat and I have muscle... deal with it.) Anyway. I'd like to get maybe 10-20 pounds below that as a final goal. 150? At that point I'm a size 8 if I recall correctly. I'm ok with that.

Ok. First 2 pictures are from close to my heaviest weight (256)

Next 2 are of my lowest weight (since high school... Oh other than when I first got to Uni and lost like 40 pounds hahahaah. That was fun. But there aren't any pictures of that :( ) Anyway. This is me 2 summers ago at 174. I went from 256-174 between March and July.

Don't mind the pale. I hadn't discovered the beach yet.

 

My main point here is that if I could do that in 5 months, I should logically be able to get from 212 down to 170 EASILY by  the beginning of May. I'm not going at the eating thing the same way. I haven't calculated any calories and I'm definitely not running on the 500-800 I was at that point. 40pounds in 3 months? I can do this..... or at least be down to that size again. The number on the scale isn't so much the goal for me. Anyway. If I start there in spring, by mid-summer I should be looking ba-damn fine. This time around I will know how to do my hair and wear make-up, and get to the beach!


Alright, enough pictures. Of course there are other aspects of my life. Like shitty choices I make (aka Clayton) I texted him last night, asking him where he went? Like WTF happened. No text "after dinner" or at all for that matter. He said he was busy with work stuff...... After a short conversation, I said I had to go to bed, and that he shouldn't be such a retard, and he needs to friggin text me... like in the next few days.

Got home from rehearsal, and who should magically initiate conversation? Clayton. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut; My brain is too full of shit to be emotionally invested right now. I have play rehearsals, musical rehearsals, horn lessons to give, Trout Festival (our small town festival) meetings to attend, and running to do. My brain is consumed with what is going into my mouth, and what I'm doing otherwise. He says got the job he applied for in the town 2 hours away (instead of 10 hours like before). He'll be gone for a month probably. These are just factoids. Like I said, too busy in my brain to deal with it.

I just weighed myself (which I try not to do at night because it always makes me upset... but 212.9. I'll take it! That means I should be at 211.? tomorrow morning. My goal was to make it down to 210 by the end of January (I set this like a week ago). Hurray for continued success.

Tomorrow I will run again. Thursday I start the Fab Ab Friday routine. Mornings. I'm going to try my hardest to make this happen. Anybody wanna join me?

 Frig I'm freezing. My apartment is like a refrigerator. Sooooo glad I got an electric blanket. Best purchase of my life. Anywho, my eyes are so tired. I have to sleep now.

Love you lovely ladies. :) If there is anyone following me, and I'm not following you back, lemme know, so I can rectify the situation.

XOXO Nessa

Up down up down up down... and not the fun kind :(

Sunday morning. 213.3
Monday morning 215.1?!?! WTF. I went for a walk and didn't eat a bunch of shit.... maybe it's Saturday nights booze catching up with me? . . . Or the bitch load of carbs I ate on Saturday in "celebration of being able to eat solid foods again"

Soooo  woke up and stepped on the scale. Wanted to cry. HOW THE FUCK am I up 2 pounds (almost)???? Kill me now. Sooo I skipped breakfast, had an XL coffee and 3 caffeine pills instead.
Had 1 chicken breast (finally didn't have to cube it all tiny. It was super dry, so I put some applesauce on it before I nuked it. Had a teaspoon of peanut butter for "dessert"
Water all afternoon. Another teaspoon of peanut butter because I was witholding dinner until.......
.... wait for it..... I WENT FOR A RUN!!!!!! I didn't check before I left to see if my podcast was on my ipod. It wasn't. Had to wing it. I did run 60 seconds/walk 90 seconds since I haven't run since like August. But on the plus side I got to listen to better music :) But this is it. Shit is getting real. RESTRICT RESTRICT RESTRICT. RUN RUN RUN.
For supper I had half a salmon fillet and some steamed veggies. Then a couple spoons of date flavoured Greek yogurt.

Feeling so much better now that the antibiotics are doing their job. Still can't sing really.. :( and my i dunno, not my throat quite, but the muscles on either side get tired when I talk too much, and I definitely can't yell... which occasionally needs to happen while teaching. Today instead of yelling, I made the students who wouldn't settle down write an apology letter to their teacher, for being disrespectful and not getting anything done while she was away. Annnnnd they had to write it directly into their French notebooks, since that's the subject they were in at the time. If we'd had more time, I would have made them translate it into French. muahahahahah.

Anyway, this week is a busy one. Play rehearsal Tues, Wed, Run Wed, Fri, Teaching Tues, Wed, Thurs, Hair appointment Friday morning, Job interview Friday afternoon. I'm getting on as casual staff at the hospital. Doesn't pay as well as teaching (... I think?) but should bump up my income a little bit.

Brrrr. I'm cooooold. Shoulda showered right after my run, but I was hungry by 7pm.
Alrighty lovelies, I leave you with a picture of my glorious face, because I felt pretty for the first time in a long time. I look alright for someone over 200 pounds (*shudder at the number*). I've got a long way to go (again) but at least I'm not hideous.

XOXO Nessa

I'm drunk. Super drunk. Clayton didn't ever text me after dinner so i texted mike "casual sex?" and wow. He was like i'll be there right away. Playing bowling right now." i was like "don't make me wait too long or i'll do it myself". . . . I win hahahaha. He was like leaving now. I'm evil

He just texted me. (he being clayton) Said he just got his phone back. Am I an idiot? Probably because i believe him. I dunno. Arg. I almost cried when i saw his name. It's fucked up but I think I love him :(

Combating the constipation!

More Poo talk! I feel like I haven't done enough of that since I've been back!

Food Today:
B - Protein Shake
L - 1/4 cup chopped up chicken, with a little bit of roasted red pepper soup over it and 2 slices of toast (that's my attempt to get back to real food)
S - 1 bowl of broccoli soup and 2 more slices of toast.

Hoory for being back to normal meal periods, instead of "eating whenever the pain subsides long enough for me to attempt to inhale some soup or chicken" or just periodically eating ice cream and popsicles.

Weighed myself this morning. 215.2. Down .4 and that's still not having a proper poop!
THE NEXT MORNING 213.9 Haaaaaaaaaaaaleluiah! Laxies for the win. 

Tonight my body decided it was time to end this constipation nonsense. It was like I'd taken laxatives... but I hadn't. So of course I took some anyway, just to make sure we get everything out. I've been drinking water like a mother fucker all day. I had to have had at LEAST 4 litres at school alone. I've had such a friggen dry mouth every night around 10:30. NO MORE. Or at least I hope not. Oh.... still a little bit of dry mouth. God these posts stretch out for like a whole night for me (or days... lol). 

Alright. So update. Clayton came over on Thursday and Friday and just slept next to me. It was great. I had been afraid to sleep because I thought I'd bleed out. Then he called me at a decent hour on Sunday and I went out with him to hang out with his friend and his friends girlfriend. The guys had a few beer. Clayton was super sweet, sitting next to me on the couch and pulling me up to two step in the kitchen when a good song came on.He figures I'm his 75% girlfriend now... with 25% being time when he's being retarded. (which let me tell you, is more like 75% of the time... but I digress) We went back to my place after and fell asleep watching The Notebook (his choice) with my head on his chest and his arms around me. These are the moments that are the reason I let him keep coming back. I miss have anybody care about me like that so badly that I don't even care if it's fleeting. In the morning I drove him to his parents place. He doesn't have his truck..... long story. He says thank you for coming with me and letting me stay with you and I'll call you ok? I say, really, keep in touch. For real this time. He nods. He went back to his camp job that afternoon..... and of course that was Monday morning. It is now Friday night (or Saturday morning because I didn't finish this last night). Do you think I've heard from him? NO. (he'll have some totally logical sounding excuse/reason like I left my phone charger at home and decided to just wait until I got home from camp, or my phone fell in the lake <that actually happened to him this summer. It's common up here>) This might sound like a shitty position to be in, but it's a good pattern to have right now, as much as it fucks with my heart and my emotions. I get so wrapped up in him when he's around, that I think, hey. Maybe I won't go to the UK. Maybe I'll just stay here and be with him. And if he could manage to ya know... text me back, or call me within a couple days of leaving town (since he seems to be doing alright when he's in town now) or be consistent in any way, maybe I would just let myself get completely enamoured with him. But no. He comes around, everything is great, he's attentive and makes me feel loved. Then he fucks off. And I still feel a little bit of love for him. And all it takes is a phone call or a text and I'm right back in the thick of it. No. He knows I'm leaving. I'm friggin leaving. In 7 months, I'm getting on a plane with 2 suitcases living amongst the Brits for hopefully a year (if I don't get ridiculously homesick before then). This is going to happen.

So that was Monday. Monday afternoon I felt awful. Tuesday even worse. By Wednesday I was like WTF and OMG I"M IN SO MUCH PAIN. But I had a drs apt on Thursday for my post-op check up, so I just held it together (barely) until then. I saved my last 4 hydromorphone pills for in the mornings, since that's when the pain was most intense, and spent the rest of the days taking obscene amounts of ibuprofen and acetaminophen (advil and tylenol) together every 2 hours. .... Doc looks in my throat. Oh. There's some infection. And he gives me t3's. I've taken like 4 or 5 out of the 56 pill bottle and I don't reeeeeeeeeeeeeally need them anymore, unless I'm teaching because it hurts to talk too much. Within half an hour of my first antibiotic pill I'm like a totally different person. It still hurts, but now just where my tonsils actually came out at the back of my throat and only when i swallow, especially any kind of actual foods. My ears no longer burn, and my tongue is far less swollen. Gezus. My friend Sarah was like "didn't they give you any antibiotics after your surgery?". Nope. And I was thinking, it's not like you can keep shit from getting in there. Every time I breathe, whatever's in the air goes past it, and everything i eat/drink goes past this surgical site. You would never rub food/popsicles/ice cream/soup/gum saliva onto any other post-surgical wound. Why wouldn't they give antibiotics? whatever, I feel a bajillion times better now!!

Also, there's this guy who has been messaging me of facebook. A few people recently added me, that I've seen around town, but never talked to, but I let them stay on my friends list anyway. One of the guys just started chatting me up on fb chat. He is in no way attractive to me, like at all. My ball team played against his a couple time this summer. Anyway, it's been pretty casual get-to-know-you kind of conversation for a few days now. I'm pretty sure he's interested in hanging out at some point, he's been kinda dropping hints that it's coming. I dunno what to say? If he asks me to a party I'll go. I can always use more friends and there are a couple people he's pretty good friends with that I know fairly well but haven't ever spent any time with. But if he asks me out in a date situation, I'm just going to say I'm leaving in August and really am not looking to date right now, as it would majorly complicate things. He has a weak chin . . . I hate weak chins. Though he's not as unattractive as his best friend. His best friend looks like he got kicked by a horse. LMAO. I wish I could post a picture without feeling guilty.... Anyway apparently he's a really nice guy, just not that smart. Hasn't said anything to actually lol at yet. I like to be able to have at least some intellectually stimulating conversation. Even Clayton has the ability to do that, and he makes me laugh all the time. *sigh* Stupid Clayton. Anyway, I asked Hollee where all the attractive men in this town are.... she said not here. Hahahahaha.. Kinda true.

It's all good. I don't need to be with someone. It just keeps me occupied, and fulfils that ridiculous sex drive of mine. Gr. If only Ripper were single, he'd be like the perfect fuck buddy candidate. He's super discrete, and wouldn't judge my wobbly bits. In all the time I've been here he's never really had a gf, and now some girl he used to date and him are back together and he's trying to be serious about it... but her teeth. I just can't get over her teeth.(I couldn't find a picture of her with her mouth open)

OK fuck it. I'm posting pictures.

Guy who has been talking to me is on the right. On the left is his best friend. This is a flattering picture of both of them

Anywho, I have two weeks of surgery recovery time's worth of house cleaning, and laundry to do. So I bid you adieu.
XOXO Nessa

Pain. So much pain.

Omg. Sooooo much pain! I thought I was ahead of schedule and on the mend! I was wrong. Can't even open my mouth this morning, water hurts and my neck and tongue are swollen up again. Even worse i feel too weak to get up and get what i need. Roomie is with her bf and Tim has a wife so I don't want to call him i just don't want to impose on anyone. I'd call Clayton but he texted me late while I was sleeping so he's probably down for the count. To his credit he called wednesday to see how i was and came over thursday and friday. Which was nice because i was so afraid to sleep alone. But now i need water and someone to blend some ice into chips for me and make more jell-o. I didn't think i'd need anymore since i ate noodles yesterday. Oi vey this is awful. I wish they'd just taken them out when i was 10 like they said they were going to. Soooo tired.

Weight wise. I was 215.6 this morning. But i also haven't pooped for 6 days now. The moment i'm feeling better i'm going to have a laxie day.

Ugh my apartment is a disaster. My fucking room mate doesn't even stay here but she has loads of expired food in the fridge. I had to throw shit out to make room for my jell-o. And the garbage has been overflowing since Monday. I wasn't even in town that weekend. Her contact solution leaves a sticky mess on the bathroom counter every day. It just adds up and she never wipes it. Even when the dust settles on it and makes an icky greenish residue. (the dust from the mine is from rocks and minerals. So it's coloured). I'm too fucking sick to clean up after her. She had the audacity to text m on wednesday on my way home from p.a. (the town 4 hours away where my surgery was) to say "don't worry about the dishes when you get home. I'll do them later". I replied "i'm not doing shit for a few days". I literally can't. She is the worst self proclaimed "best friend" ever. She's too busy cleaning her boyfriends house to make him love her and find her irreplaceable to clean up after herself here. Fuck. Sorry i'm so grumpy. I'm going back to sleep.

Frumpy hugs and sloppy kisses.

Xoxo from a grumpy nessa

Tonsillectomy

So my surgery got bumped up a week instead of next week. Just got home today. I'm on morphine, it's hard to type, or focus long enough to keep my hands from settling onto the keyboard and just typing  a bunch of random letters. Sooo I will update you on my life later. Gah. I can barely keep my eyes open because of the morphine I'm on, but I haven't gotten any real sleep because i'm afraid i'll bleed out. or at least that's why i think i kept waking up. I will post more when i'm able to concentrate on life lol.

love you all
xoxo nessa

Back to work!

Alrighty, where to begin?

I'm all caught up on my blog reading!

Still haven't stepped on a scale. Was sooooooooooooo tired this morning (story is down there somewhere) I took 3 caffiene pills this morning when I got to school. Managed to avoid eating until I got home from school today. Thank god, since I've been eating shyte for the last couple of days again. UGH.Unfortunately I got a mad dizzy spell just before I left. It made the drive home feel crappy. When I got home, I ate an apple and 3 slices of marble cheese. I'm going to try to keep the fooding to a minimal tonight. Then perhaps I'll be able to bring myself to get on the scale.

Peridot! Scooping into a note means starting flat and then sliding the pitch up to be where it's supposed to be. Very annoying. Also... you're probably about to be disappointed with me. Re: Clayton the fuckstick. Oi vey.

Josie! Thank you for music nerding!

Alright. Here comes the juicy part. The update on my craaaaaaaaaaaaazy life. Which is, as you know, always exciting.

Sooo Saturday night went to that "partay" with roomie. Didn't end up being a party. Ended up being 4 girls and 2 guys and the girls hung out in the dining room, and the dudes chilled in the living room. Dean was texting me all night. This is the guy who I met on an online dating site when I first moved to Flin Flon. This past summer, he started talking to me again, but was too shy to actually meet up with me, and blew me off a couple times. Since then, he banged my roomie when she was single, and I ended up meeting him after that and we kinda became friends. We may have had a sleepover once, but no sex, just cuddles, a movie, and sleep. Anyway, he was texting me all night, saying how he was jealous of my wine buzz and how I should come over. Finally he said he'd come pick me up, but then his truck battery was dead and the cab ride out there is like $40... so that didn't happen. Pretty sure he would have wanted to bang me anyway, and I really don't see him that way.


Monday morning I had my interview with the Agency for teaching in London next year. It was fine. She seemed bored, but she's not the one I need to impress. I just need her to believe I'm competent. I've got so much paper work ahead of me before this can be a reality. But I need to do this. Get away for a year and clear my head. Live somewhere where I can go for a walk any time of year, because there isn't 3 feet of snow and frigid temperatures! Imagine being able to run outdoors all year long?

Aaaaaaaaaaaand then there was this morning. Guess who called me at like 6:30? If you guessed Clayton, you'd be right. He said "can you come get me. I'm at a friends and I really want to leave". And of course I said I would, because I'm crazy, and love being on the crazy train. So I showered and got ready for work and went to pick him up at like 7:15ish. He held my hand and we drove out to the ranch. He was hoping we could just lie in my bed until noon, but I had to be at work before 9 to get setup for my day, so the ranch had to suffice. On a side note, I'd never been into the cabin there before, just the porch. I was expecting like a bedroom and kitchen etc. There isn't one lol. Just a propane heater and wood stove, a sink and a couch. We talked about Sheila and how she was kinda crazy, and how he only spent that night at the cabin with her (that first night I went out there), and how he went for dinner with her and his best friend and his fiance (her sister) because him and her are supposed to be best man and maid of honour at their wedding, and she belched like in the restaurant, and swore in the grocery store. He said he was disgusted by her behaviour and that was a deal breaker. He talked about how he wants to leave his friends, and get his shit together, and I told him I understood that's a hard thing to do when the friends you want to leave behind are people you've known since you were in diapers. We just lay on the couch for the longest time. Then there was some fooling around, which turned into sex. Of course. Whatever. It's what I needed to feel less shitty and lonely at the time. I haven't heard from him today, but we randomly passed his truck in town randomly while driving down random side streets. Bizarre. That never happens. Anywho. I didn't tell him about Europe. No need until closer, if at all, who knows if we'll even be talking by then. I know he's an idiot that doesn't deserve the time of day from me. We have this crazy chemistry though, and are ridiculously honest with each other. I'm not particularly used to men being honest with me. He said sometimes he feels like he loves me (I totally get that. sometimes I think I love him too), I said he didn't know me well enough to love me. He said sometimes he wants to just fuck off and let himself fall off the wagon, and sometimes he wants to try and fix his life and when he falls off the wagon he always ends up mad at himself. I obviously cannot fix him. Maybe a year without me to run to will help him out? Let him buy his house, and get shit sorted out. Or maybe I'll get back and he'll still be  a fuckup. Maybe I won't ever come back. Maybe some British man with an adorable accent (even better would be Irish) will sweep me off my feet and I'll just stay. Who the fuck knows what will happen. I'm just going with the flow. No more plans. other than work and paperwork for the UK. Plans lead to expectations, which seem to keep leading me to disappointment. So for now I'll live in the moment. When Clayton's in town, and he rings me up, I'll let him hold me and rub my back and kiss my forehead. It makes me feel like someone gives a shit about me up here. I won't, however, tell Tim or Hollee about these encounters, as they do not approve. Roomie does know. She says do what makes you happy, but don't get sucked in to the point that you don't want to leave on your UK adventure. (men make my brain wonky -clearly- so it could happen)

Anyway, I'm soooo sleepy, from my ridiculously early morning (by my normal standards). Sweet dreams blog buddies. Tomorrow morning I'm going to try to weigh myself. Wish me luck.

XOXO Nessa

Happy new year?

Alright. January 5... holy shit? Really?
CW: still too scared to step on the scale
Mood: depressed and lonely

So. Ya know how last week was a shit show, what with getting dumped and being sick? Well new years i went to a friends and it was all couples and kids. Ugh. Not that I mind, but ya know. I'm single. I want to go out with other single people once in a while, or just go out. I don't mind going out with my married friends, but they seem less inclined to go out. Some of them have kids, but most of them don't. I fully intend to go out with my hubby when i'm married. maybe not all the time but certainly i won't stop having fun just because i have a partner. I should have even more fun with a partner in crime. But as I do not have one... I will have fun on my own I suppose. Oh the point of that paragraph.... My Gerard (uni sweet heart, best friends until this summer when he got a bitchy ass gf who wouldn't let him be friends with me) got engaged a couple days ago. Fuck. My heart sank, though I should be happy, or not care. she's a cunt nugget.

I just want someone to hold me and be nice to me for like a night. I would call Clayton, but he texted me the day after we hooked up to say that it was a bad idea and we shouldn't have done that. I said i just wanted to be friends, but that if he needed to not talk to me i would  understand. And no reply after that. So I guess he can't handle talking to me. I would love to text Mike and be like "casual sex?" but I'm 99% sure he'd either not answer or say "I don't think that's a good idea". Which it probably wouldn't. Why do I let men run my brain? If Billy came back and said he wanted to try again, I would be like "ok" Ugh.

Next weekend i'm going down to Winnipeg... I messaged Barry. (remember him?) to ask him if he wanted to go out while I was there? He said probably, he hasn't been out for a while. Pretty sure I'll have the option of getting laid. Thank god. I'm angry and frustrated, and a good shag always helps.

Had our first Chicago rehearsal today. They said that they wanted people who could read music to be the leads for Chicago.... annnnnnnd the top 3 female roles A) can't sing B) can't read music but are C) slimmer than roomie and I. Although they passed over the slim jr high band teacher who can read music, and though she isn't a great singer is better than the 2 they cast for Velma and Roxie. Apparently I didn't get the Mama role because I'm too young. I've never heard the person they cast sing. Fuck first rehearsal today was sooooooooooooooooooooooo frustrating. The Roxie character wasn't even there, and Velma scooped into all her notes, didn't hold anything for it's written value, couldn't hit any of the notes above a g like on the staff, not above it (that's fairly low for a female) and let eeeeeeeeeeeevery fucking note fall down at the end. Sounded like shit. Gah. FML. Now I just want to have angry sex.

I was hoping to go out tonight, I spent last night at home... but Hollee's batshit crazy and mad at Tim for whatever reason. She was in a perfectly fine mood this morning, then she was up and down all day.... he was so frustrated he left the house and went for a walk. Ripper has his kids tonight, and Kat is hanging out with some other girls. Not sure what I'm gonna do. Oh... nm. Her evening turned into a house party. gonna do that. Haven't been to a house party in FOREVER

I will ttyl lovelies.

XOXO Nessa