A grrrrr

Sooooo I made a vlog last night before I went out but for whatever reason it sat on the "publishing" screen all night and when i refreshed the page it wasn't there. :(

Big news... I am still fat. :( Hovering around 190 bouncing about 2 pounds on either side. I had a laxie day yesterday but it didn't do much because I'm all bloated like I'm about to get my period. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me. And I'm still sick. I've had this lingering cold for a couple of weeks now... seems it just won't go away~!!

Things with Billy are still amazing :) He has some kind of surprise for me and it's driving me crazy. He won't give me any hints... I know it's not a living thing, it's not fluffy and I'm getting it on a day he doesn't work... but he's so good at dodging my hint digging. Sometimes (or all the time) I worry he is going to leave me, but that's just me being paranoid I'm pretty sure. He's always so nice and sweet to me, and we have all these plans for the future. I just feel so unsure of myself in this relationship. I am hesitant to put myself fully into this and leave my heart unguarded. I know there will be a point at which I'll have to shit or get off the pot. Mentally I'm in this but I haven't let myself get too into it. I don't want another commitment-phobic man telling me he loves me and wants to be with me forever and then dumping me the next week (Gerard). I don't want to force anything in this one. I'm enjoying the time we spend together but I don't force him to spend it with me, in fact I rarely initiate hang out time, and I don't try to get him to talk about feelings and stuff. I certainly am not telling him about my battles with weight or eating/not eating.

Tonight is Billy's best friend Loreena's Birthday. I baked a rum cake, with a rum glaze and some rum icing to write Happy B-Day on it. I don't know if I'll eat any of it... well I'll probably have a small piece. I'm sure there will be ass loads of food.... I'm cooking curry for dinner tonight, Billy's coming after work, then we're eating, then going to the hockey game, then to the party. :) I'm going to dress pretty in case we go to the bar later in the evening. I have watched more hockey in the last month in Flin Flon than I have in my whole life combined up until this point. And ya know what... It's kinda fun! Probably because I get to stand/sit by my sexy beau. I like being seen in public with him. It's a double edged sword. I want people to know we're together and I want people to see us together, but I don't want to tell people in case he breaks my heart. I could handle him dumping me if I didn't have to talk about it to anyone, but if he broke up with me and I had to talk about it I would be absolutely devastated. Look at me Ms. Pessimistic. FUCK. Whatever, one step at a time. Either he falls in love with me or he doesn't. If he doesn't, those words won't cross my lips. ... I really wish I knew what this surprise of his was... arg. Oh well. one step at a time. Tonight I will get rip roaring drunk, we'll probably crash at my place and then tomorrow will be another day. :)

On another note.. I'm tired of being fat :(

Love you all XOXOXO Comments are always appreciated. You have no idea how much they mean to me!
ttyl.

~Nessa