Merry Christmas fuckers. ugh

A VLOG because I'm lazy.

I mentioned my weight in the beginning:
Christmas eve 218.2
But this morning it was back down to 212.6 THANK YOU BABY JESUS.

Sorry I'm hard to understand. My tonsils are ginormous, and I'd drank a shit tonne of beer, and cried a few hundred tears the night before. Also, the video is all wonky. my bad?

I haven't caught up on other blogs yet... I will. No worries :) Also. I decided today that I've been letting men and the possibility of men here hold me back from doing anything awesome with my life... so I'm applying to teach in the UK next school year. Terrifying. Goin' it alone. If I go. I'm kind of a wuss so I'm interested to see what happens.

Anywho. Love you all bitchez. XOXO
I'm Fucking Single as Hell. But not quite ready to mingle.
Nessa

Christmas eve-eve

Sunday - Tuesday. 3 posts in one!

212.9 FUCK YES. That's progress. (Saturday morning)

Today I have eaten minimal foodage.

I am going to post a ranty vlog I recorded when I got home Saturday night. It's mostly bitching about Mike lol. I'm druuuuuuuuuuuuunk. I haven't watched it, I don't want to.  . . I also don't want to weigh myself. I hit it pretty hard on Sunday and then didn't restrict the way I should have Monday and Today. Anywho, here's the video

Or not. . . apparently youtube deleted it because it was too long.Well essentially I talked about how boring the Hospital party was and how Mike wasn't replying to my messages, though there isn't any reception in the hall I was in. Then guess who showed up at 1:30? Mike. After I ranted about how stand-off-ish he'd been that week. He texted me "hey" at like 1:20. then "I'm walking home from the Hooter. what are you up to?". By then I was sleeping. So he called me, and was like:
Mike What are you up to?
Nessa Being drunk
M - me too.
N - nice blabitty blah
M - so I'm outside co-op
N - like across from my apartment?
M - yeah
N - do you want to come into my apartment?
M - is that ok?

So turns out there was a cab when he was walking out of the Hooter, and decided he should come here. Which I think I'm ok with. I just don't want to only be a booty call. If we're in a relationship, by all means, bootycall away. Anyway, he came over and sat on my couch and we just talked for half an hour ish. And then i was like i'm tired... bedtime.

Longest night of my life. Kat came home pretty much the moment we got into bed. I came out to say hi, and let her know that Mike was over. Then . . . we pretty much had sex all night. Like we'd go at it. Get tired. Fall asleep. Wake up an hour later.... go at it again. This continued until like 10am. Yeeeesh. I was sooooo tired on Sunday at choir. We were recording, I was dying. I took 2 caffiene pills with a redbull. Went to Tim and Hollee's to watch Dexter afterwards... I was almost passing out the whole time. Went to bed at like 10 (super early for me)

Last night, Kat and I had a couple joints... we got right loopy. It was hilarious. :)

This evening I went over to Mike's. I thought we should talk. So I get there and instead of talking, we put on Game of Thrones.Gah. He was still standoffish when i got there. He didn't cuddle up with me, or hold my hand, or put his hand on my leg. It was like we were back to the first time i went to watch a movie with him, and we didn't touch.fruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuustrating.  After the third episode I'm like

Nessa - Are you ok?
Mike - yeah why?
N - you've just been really standoffish this week
M - I didn't think i was
N - well you pretty much stopped initiating conversations or hangout time. and you didn't reply to my texts on saturday, and then you just showed up at my house. I'm not mad that you came over, but you could have replied to my messages.
M - Oh
N - have you lost interest in me, or is something bothering you? Are you worried about something?
M - I don't think so.
N - are you worried that because it's the holidays i'm going to force you to do super coupley things?
M - (he laughs) no
N - ok good. because i'm not.



So end of the night, he walks me to the door and kisses me. I go to turn away after 1 kiss, but he pulls me back, puts his hand on my waist and keeps kissing me. After that was done, I looked at him and said "if something is bothering you, or you need space, you have to tell me" he said ok. and looked sincere. He let me out and said, "have a good week". Tuesday is pretty much his only free evening in the week. I'll leave him be tomorrow. Maybe I'll ask him how pool was on Thursday. or maybe i'll give him space and text him on friday?  I dunno what to do. Grr. It's not a huge deal, but i don't wanna freak him out. men are like deer. skittish.

Anywho. that's my last few days. Permanently recorded on the interwebs.
XOXO
Nessa

FRIDAY!

Post #100 on this blog! Wooooohooooo!

213.2. Good. Positive change! Thank god.

This is what I've eaten today:
I bought a muffin at the coffee shop this morning. :( Booo to my willpower. It was lemon poppyseed. Their lemon anything is always amazing. Arg. anyway, ate it on my 25 minute drive to school
at school:
2 cups dry cheerios (? I didn't measure, just put  a bunch in a container. And I didn't finish that container)
2 apples
1/4 cup of cottage cheese
when i got home:
2 slices of multigrain toast with honey
1 slice of multigrain bread with 2 slices of ham and some cheese.

Texted Mike to see if he wanted to hang out tonight,

Went grocery shopping with the roomie, had a handful of wine gums, and two spoons of the coconut Mediterranean yogurt I bought. OMG it's soooooo so soo soooo good. I wanted to eat the whole tub. I just had two more spoonfuls. Could be worse. Now I'm cuddled up with a diet pepsi and some celery. I was going to have "cheat day" tomorrow, but now I'm worried that it will leak into Sunday and that there won't be enough binge free days between to establish the pattern. So here's the plan for tomorrow:

10am go to choir rehearsal. Purchase extra large coffee and bottle of water on the way. Roomie is making taco soup right now. I will have a bowl of that for lunch tomorrow at choir rehearsal.Then, I'm going to shower and make myself pretty. Maybe I'll take a nap first. Tomorrow night is the Hospital's staff party, and I'm Hollee's date until Tim gets there. Mike works at the hospital, but I didn't ask him if he was going. If he does, it will be a pleasant surprise :) At the party there will be appetizers and booze.

Sunday will be my cheat day. I'm planning already. Sugary cereal, tuna melts, possibly pizza, probably some McDonald's before choirs recording session. I plan on being sufficiently hung over on Sunday morning. Question though; if it's a planned over-eating, do I count that in my "Binge free days" counter? Like does that ruin my count, or should I only count unscheduled food days?

Sorry I've gone from not posting at all to posting daily. But I'm pretty sure this is what works. I can track my food and my weight and my life all in one little box. :)

Anywho, bed time for me. XOXO Nessa

no loss, no gain

Ok. I got up and weighed myself.... 215.4 FUUUUCK. Oh then I peed. Back down to 214.9. Thank god. I feel backed up though. I need a good laxie day. Not sure when it'll be safe to have another one.

I ate all my school food throughout the day minus one orange. I spent all day circulating through the classroom. Much more fun than when I sub for high school and basically just sit there. I absolutely love that little school! Anyway, came home from work starving. I had 2 rice cakes with one of those little cans of flavoured tuna on it. then I had a small apple with natural peanut butter, and then I was still hungry, so 2 more rice cakes, with a little cheese melted on them. I was done eating at 6.Baby steps back to the point of major restriction. I think if I just jump back down to eating nothing, I'll binge HARDCORE.... I should be able to fend of snacking for the rest of the night. I have a rehearsal at 7, and then Kat and I are going to her ex's to get her keyboard so we can learn audition material.

That's right. I'm auditioning for the community's production of Chicago! But I need to lose a fuck load of weight before the show, sooooo it's time to majorly restrict. No more toppings. More celery. No butter on air popped popcorn. Once this peanut butter is gone, that's it. I should throw out my jam like I did last time, but I'd feel kinda guilty since there are 2 almost full jars. I'll just only eat in front of people and only when I have to. Tomorrow I'll pack a meager lunch and this will work. I'm reading through old entries of mine, when I was super restrictive, and how well it worked. Let's do THAT again!

11:00 And I have managed to not eat anything since I ravaged my cupboards when I got home from school. I can feel my stomach getting mad at me. Hoorah. There were a couple of hours where it was sooooooooooooooooo hard not to go get something from the kitchen, but reading through old blogs has been really helpful.God I was soooo organized. Need to get back to that place. and figure out where I can run or something... Hard to do in winter, but i'll figure something out.

Alright, I can do this. and the scale better reinforce this tomorrow morning!!!!
XOXO
Nessa

I did not binge

I did end up eating 3/4 cups of multigrain life and a tablespoon of natural peanut butter and a glass of wine.

Weighed myself this morning. I want to die. 214.9???!!!?!?!?!? How the fuck did I gain 2 pounds in a week???!?!? Fuuuuuuuuuuuck my life. That's it. Back to weighing myself every morning. Gotta get a hold of this shit.

Today I have eaten:
1/2 cup steel cut oats for breakfast with splenda and coco powder and an orange
skipped lunch (had 2 mandarin oranges from the staff room at recess)
for dinner i had 4 rice cakes and a can of spicy peanut satay tuna
a spoonful of cottage cheese while making my lunch for tomorrow
2 squares of 75% cocoa
Snack - 2 stalks of celery and 2 pieces of multigrain toast with raw honey
That is all. I'm drawing the limit. I have a nice tall glass of crystal light in front of me, anything more must be celery or tea, or water. I've kicked my diet cola habit, and have been pounding back the water.

Tomorrow I'll probably only eat lunch since I packed a  big one. I'm subbing in a town 25 minutes away tomorrow, and people look at you strangely when you sit down in a staff room and don't eat. . .  Tomorrow's lunch will consist of one sandwich with 3 thin slices of ham, low fat may, a couple slices of marble cheese, and pickles. 3 rice cakes, a small container of cottage cheese (like 1/4 cup or less), an apple and then I packed 2 oranges as a just in case since I'll probably want a snack at morning recess, hence 1 orange. and if my tummy is grumbly at afternoon recess i'll have the other orange. BAM plan.

I was going to ask Mike to come watch a movie at my place, since I have a room mate free night (possibly the last for a while) but he has a Kinsmen meeting. That makes him sound like an old man.... but a lot of the guys in Kinsmen Club are around his age. They pretty much get together and drink beer and get drunk. It's the married men of the town's time away from their wives. I came up once, when I got lost on my way home from my dr.s appointment in a town 4 hours away. Mike had a good laugh. There are only 2 turns to get home from Prince Albert. Actually, if I relayed half of the things Mike said, you'd probably think he was an old man. I frequently call him a grumpy old man because he complains about things like the coffee line at the cafeteria and the kids next door. It's adorable. To be fair, the kids next door played "carwash" with rocks on his truck this summer. Hahahahahha. I try hard not to laugh at that, but really, it's kinda funny.

Anywho. I'm out for the night.
Lots of love
XOXO Nessa

Tuesday - I will not binge, I will not binge, I will not binge

Didn't weigh myself this morning. Still too scared. Last night I fucking did it again. Fucking stuffed my face.

Peridot - Thanks for your comment. It's reeeeeeeeeeeeeally shitty that paypal is being so douchnozzley :( Corporate bastards

Rio - I can't comment on your posts!!!!

Today is better. I had an orange and 1/4 cup steel cut oats with sugar twin and cinnamon.
Skipped lunch
Supper - Had a steak and cheese sub from subway and a bag of baked chips
Snack - 2 pickles

This is all I plan to ingest today. If I get hungry I'll eat another orange. But I'm considering myself cut off. I finished dinner at 6pm. That's a good time to stop eating I feel.

Today was a pretty boring day. I didn't get called to work in the morning, so I slept in. Got up at 9ish. Lay around, did nothing. Finally got my act together around noonish. Finally ready to run some errands, and I got called to sub phys ed for the afternoon. Which is fine and dandy, but I had errands to run! So I went. Subbed phys. ed with no sub plan. Erg. I hate that. I know I can wing it, but I shouldn't have to! I'm not paid to prep and plan. If you want me to plan my own day, pay me my damn salary wages (which was twice as much as I currently make as a sub). I have no problem planning, and doing report cards and all the other things that go along with teaching... but only if I'm getting paid to do it. I do enough volunteer work that I don't need to do it there too. Anywho. We did "buddy run". It's genius. Students pair up. I set the clock for 8 minutes. then they run laps. And when they get tired they tag out with their buddy. Buddies count each others laps. Genius. I do nothing (I would have run with them, but I forgot to put on my sports bra because it was a last minute call in. I'm happy I remembered to change from jeans to yoga pants). Anywho, grade 1's did that. Grade 4's played dodgeball, and I made one class do 1 8 minute round of buddy running because they were all wound up. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

UPDATE: So my aunt was apparently sick, and my cousin just put on Facebook "God bless aunty Susan" and I texted her to ask if she was ok. Apparently not. Apparently she has pneumonia,and is expected to pass away tonight. Thanks giant family (60+ people) for telling me.

And it's now 10:17pm. And I wanna eat sooooo so soooooo bad. Bah. I ate some dino-sour candies. Damnit. Well it's better than the popcorn i made myself last night with loads of butter. Gonna go make myself some tea to distract my bingey brain. Wish me luck.

Monday is a time for fresh starts

Don't know how much I currently weigh. But I feel gross (what's new). But this will not be another Debbie-Downer post.

This weekend was alright. Friday I didn't work I ate not bad. Had a choir dress rehearsal at 6. That dragged on foreeeeever. 6:45 and we still weren't on stage rehearsing. I hate that. We got on at 7. Rehearsed until 8:50. Went to Mike's to watch a movie after. Clayton texted me "Hi". I ignored it. Mike said "Holy Hollywood" because people are always texting me.I just said it wasn't anyone saved in my phone, because I deleted Clayton's number. But i still recognize it when i see it, can't take that out of my brain. But enough of him for now. Back to Mike. He's such a sweetie. Holding my hand and trying to put his ice pack on me all flirty like. We go to bed, he pulls me up close and trails his fingers down my sides and my back.Mmmm. Such a sweet heart. It's like he can't get enough kisses. :) In the morning he tries to put his cold water bottle on me, saying he's "sneaky" he's really not. :P But I let him think he is.

Saturday, we woke up early, but only got out of bed at 11ish. Went for lunch, his room mate and his best friend met up with us (I didn't know they were coming) I know the other two guys pretty well, so it wasn't awkward or anything. When the bills came, the waitress gave the room mate and best friend separate bills but put Mike and mine together. I snatched it up and put it in front of me on the table. We all sat around talking for a while after. When they were finally like, well shall we go? I looked down and the bill was gone. Mike looked at me and winked and mouthed the words "I'm sneaky" to me haha. I ate like shit all day Saturday. Then we had the choir concert. Went to a friends house after that. A bunch of us played a game called "Things". Went home at 3am... BINGE CITY.

Sunday was choir concert number 2. Then there was a church dinner thing. Went, with some friends. Last year, the music portion was really phenomenal because there were a few families from South Africa who were really musically talented. Those families have moved. But the evening was MUCH shorter as a result. Ate like a fucking pig at the dinner, and then after too. Ugh. Took a few laxies when I got home.

Today: No school today, it's a report card writing day for the teachers, therefore no sub work. Fuck me. :( This means no money for me. I applied for repayment assistance for student loans. I should get the paperwork by Wednesday. My car payment bounced this month... twice. I don't know why they tried twice. Anywho, I had my budget down to the penny. Usually if a payment is scheduled to come out on the same day as I'm supposed to get paid, it balances out. Apparently not this time. So there goes $90 (2 nsf charges) of my last paycheque. Oh and then something else did the same thing. Another $45. Everything seemed to balance. My netflix had come out of my account. Everything else was running smoothly, so I bought groceries  and paid bills until there was nothing left. Oh and then... paypal decides to take money out of my account... like 3 days after they say it was successfully taken out the funds, so guess what? Another $45 charge. That's almost $200 in charges when I can't even afford to pay my bills as it is. I need to find $75 to get my Manitoba teaching certificate transferred over to Saskatchewan so that I can teach in the town just over the border. It's actually closer to me than the school on the other side of town or the high school haha. Oh, and I have to pay $10 and go get a criminal background check. Oh... I should mention, Clayton texted me again last night. I asked him what he was hoping to get out of texting me. He didn't reply until this morning. I basically said I wasn't impressed with him and that he left me feeling used and manipulated. Then I said by the way i'm seeing someone now, so you don't need to text me, since we won't be hooking up anymore.

Anywho, it's gloomy inside and out :( I'm gonna go curl up with some knitting i think.

Love you all XOXO Hope your monday's have been more exciting than mine!

Not as bad as I thought

Well tonight was a shit show! But I weighed in this morning 212.6 so it's not quite as bad as I thought it was.

I did really well all day. Got home from school and I was only at like 440 calories. Then I for whatever reason, went into binge mode.... like I had a bag of bugles (which i bought to make munchy mix for our choir party) and a bag of oreos (to make "coal" brownies for christmas gifts). I was pretty well settled into it. Planning to eat myself into oblivion (quitting this habit is fucking hard) . . . .  and then I got this text from Hollee:

"you should ask your man about the dinner date i saw him on"

That's it. No follow up. My heart sank and my stomach felt so sick. If I could make myself puke, I would have puked up everything I'd eaten so far. Instead, I got a mad case of the other end if ya know what I mean. So I sent her a few text messages, gradually increasing in desperation and freaking out-ness. I followed that up with a frenzied voice mail. HALF AN HOUR LATER she calls me back. I've already called Mike and essentially invited myself over. Ready for shit to hit the fan. Ready to have a serious "what the fuck dude" talk with him. I'm in my car, about to drive over there (it's like a 4 minute drive. I'd walk but it's cold and there's a good chance i'll get harassed on the way, we both live in ghetto-ish areas). She says, "oh i thought that would be funny. He was out with his room mate". Well fuck me. I was hyperventilating and almost crying, and sooooo mad. Problem solved. I brought Mike the pie I baked for him, well half, he only wanted half, and watched Skyfall with him and his room mate. Then called it a night early. He held my hand even though his room mate was there, and did other cutesy flirty things :) He's a doll.

Soooo that was my evening. Yeesh. Oh and to top it off, Clayton texted me. "Hi". I asked him if he texted me by accident? he said no. i asked what's up? he didn't reply. Is it wrong that I want to drag this out a little so i can say "oh sorry. I have a boyfriend". (which is what i did to mike before i realized what a retard i was being). but clayton's  a super dick, and he's hurt me soooo many times and we've never even been on a proper date. no food together. most of our time was spent texting and him calling me at ridiculous hours for a ride home when he was drunk, minus the two weeks he tried to quit drinking and he texted me to hang out in the afternoons or at reasonable hours. but that only lasted 2 weeks. then he fell off the face of the planet again. oh oh oh or there was that time when he said "I'll take you fishing in my new boat" and i went to his house ready to go, and he was too hungover, so he said we'd go the next day, and that i should just come out to the house at like 9 and he'd make me breakfast and we'd go. so i drive out there, and his truck isn't there. i wait like half an hour, then call him. he says he's just down the road and should be home right away, in like 10 minutes. Soooooooo I park in his driveway and wait another hour. Then I try calling again, he's out of the service area, which is common up here if you're not in town. I come home, roomie is more pissed off than I am. 6 hours later he finally texts me. He says he was helping his buddy pull his truck out, which could happen, and when you go off roading up here, 6 hours is nothing to pull it out, though i doubt that's what he was actually doing. But he didn't fucking call. he should have called to say he was helping a friend and he'd call me when they were done before he even left the house. or when i called, been honest with me. Jeesus. One time Mike was coming over to watch a movie with me, and he called when he wasn't here in half an hour, to apologize for taking so long lol. *swoon*. Anyway. this is the reason i want to string him along, so i can break him. Realistically, I can't do this in good conscious out of respect to Mike. actually i don't even want to. i don't care anymore. it's done, over, the past is passed, I refuse to be angry, it doesn't change anything. It's a waste of energy and takes away from the warm fuzzies i get with mike :)

Anywho, that was my retarded day. hopefully yours were less eventful, though my crazy life does make for a few good stories.

XOXO Nessa

Fuuuuck I'm gross

Anybody there? Does anybody read my blog when it pops up in their reader? Well, let's just jump right in shall we?

Weight: I honestly have no clue, but I'm going to guess that I'm up around 215 based on the amount of pie and ice cream I've been eating on a consistent basis. Along with any other shitty thing I could get my greedy little paws back on. When I look in the mirror I feel disgusting. My body looks soft and like I'm back up at 250 again. When the man I'm dating and I hit the sheets... I'm suuuuuuper self conscious. I feel just gross about everything. Time to change. Time to track calories again. Time to be honest with myself. I can't just eat whatever I want, I have to take responsibility for my actions and what goes into my mouth. I might bring myself to step on the scale tomorrow, but we'll see.... I'm scared of what I'm going to see.

Under 800 calories today... including 2 glasses of wine! WINNING

I keep trying to do this alone, and just "wing it" but I can't. I have come back to this page so many times this week. I just can't do it by myself. It ALWAYs results in me over-eating. Like binge worthy eating. I have binged more nights than not in the past 2 weeks, undo-ing all my hard work over the summer. I didn't lose a lot of weight this summer, but I slimmed down from working out every day and walking the fitness trail twice a day. Not to mention going to the beach and swimming. Oh the freedom summer allowed me. And when it's nice out I just don't feel like eating. The moment it's cold I just want to stuff my face.

Many many things have transpired since I last posted. Kat moved in with me.... and it was hard to get a blog in. She seemed to CONSTANTLY be around. After her and her ex broke up she didn't want to be alone. Actually that started before they broke up. But after she moved in with me it was suddenly assumed that we'd do everything together. Now her new bf is back in town, after a prison stint (for a second DUI) broken up by a few 2 week periods away at a camp job. He just got on with a company here in town, so she hasn't been home in like 2 weeks. She's essentially living with him, but all her shit is still here... sometimes literally. Man does my roomie know how to DESTROY a toilet. Occasionally she comes home to poop (or puke) and the toilet is fucking the worst thing ever. The last time she came home I told her she needs to clean up after her self because I can't anymore. She was gone for a whole week, toilet stayed spotless. She came home for a "nap" BOOM shit storm.

Things in my personal life are alright. Subbing isn't as great as it was at the beginning of the year. I'm pretty much working half time (which translates to NOT being able to pay all my bills lol) My friend Hollee works at the hospital at the Clinic, and they're desperate for casual staff. She was casual last year and she only didn't work 2 weeks. I don't want that much work, since I'm still trying to get my foot in the door for a job here, but something to fill in the gaps would be nice. I'm collecting Employment Insurance, but it's not enough. I applied at the hospital today, because the clinic is desperate for casual workers. We'll see how this goes.It's pretty much an office job, of which I've had many.

Love Life update: (always the longest part of my blog)
Clayton turned out to be a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge douche bag. Long story short, I started dating Mike from the ball team I played on this summer, and it overlapped a little, like I was dating two people at once. Then I chose Mike over Clayton, but then Mike and I had a weird falling out, it's a long story, and a couple weeks later Clayton and I were talking again. Then Clayton came home from camp again and he was super like not in touch. Before he came home he was calling me every night and asking me to send him a picture of me smiling. Super sweet, I want to try, kind of things. Then he came home and A) He lied about his flight not leaving in the morning. I looked it up in the evening when I was checking if his plane had left, and it said the morning flight had left. He was too hung over to get on it. B) when he did come home, he didn't even send me a text to say he landed safely up here, and the weather was shitty, and there was a good chance his plane wouldn't be able to land (like Easter last year when mine didn't... oh and i guess his too, since that's how we met. Click here to read that story) Side note - A few days before this was that Halloween social, which I texted Mike to say he should come to, which he didn't but it opened the lines of communication. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Mike texted me to hangout or do something. Finally Tuesday, I say I'm seeing someone. So I finally call Clayton's parents house because he's staying there until the Spring when he buys his house (he has almost enough money in the bank to buy a house at the lake) and he says he's talking to his dad and he'll call me when he's done. He texts me at like 10 and is like, hey what are you doing. We talk for a bit and he's like "wanna bang" I'm like SO BAD. Then he says, i dunno it's late (by this point it's like 10:30), and I assure him that he can sleep here, heck he can even shower here, it's all good. So I go pick him up. Something just seems off. He's not sweet to me in the car. He grabs my hand, but instead of holding it he tries to put it on his dick..... ummmmmm. no? he takes a shower, we snuggle down in bed and start watching The Notebook (his choice). We do ummm have .... "relations" but it's short lived and disappointing, and afterwards there's no snuggling. He just puts the movie back on and kinda sleeps in a way that there's no way I can snuggle on him. So disappointing. That was Wednesday night. I drop him off at home on Thursday morning. He kisses me and says "call me after work" as he leaves. I figure we're ok. I miss my call to sub, so I don't end up working anyway. I wait to call him at 4 as though I were, no answer. I text him a bit later. no reply. Finally at 6:30 he texts me "If you get prego I'll fucking kill you" "Lol" "but i'm not shittin you". I reply with things like i'm keeping that message in case i go missing, and are you mad at me? or did i do something wrong??? He doesn't reply. at 9:30 I call the house... he's not there. At 10 I'm so mad I go for a drive... his truck is at the local drinking hole. I start thinking .... wow. Mike is chasing me to spend time with me and I'm letting this loser ruin my day/evening/life. I fucking hate sitting around waiting for some guy to maybe call me. And it wouldn't ever get any better with Clayton. He was with his ex 9 years, and she never knew where he was, and he was drunk most of the time when he was home from work. yeesh. How stupid have I been?

So I text Mike and say I think I've made a huuuuuge mistake with him after I see Clayton's truck at the bar. he says maybe we should go for coffee tomorrow (Friday). I say that's a great idea! The next day, coffee turns into dinner, but a quick one, because he has pool league that evening. he says i'll call you after that. and he does. *sigh* so nice to have someone call when they say they will. I should mention that the first date we had was to the drive in theater  and he picked me up at my door step and paid, and didn't try to lay a finger on me during the movie, but walked me to my door and kissed me good night lol. Like old fashioned :) Even for a couple weeks after that, I'd go over and watch football with him or we'd watch a movie and it would be like no contact until I go to leave, then he'd kiss me at the door. Anyway I had like half a salad at dinner. I get all butterflies in the tummy around him. Always have, the whole summer. Every time we went out or hung out. Still do a little. Anyway. He says wanna come over? of course i do! he offers me a beer. It's a Michelob Ultra (low carb and calorie count. he works out :) ) He offers me a second, I say I shouldn't because i can't drive home with 2 beer in me after that half a salad for dinner and the roads being all slippery. he says well you can just stay over. . . . ok. 4 or 5 beer later, i'm hammered. It appears we've just picked up EXACTLY where we left off without me ever having to talk about being a psychopath lol. So that's that. We've been seeing each other 1-3 times a week ever since lol. Not super serious. We might have a small conversation via text at some point in the day, but maybe not. Dating. Exclusively, though I've never asked him. But I'm like 99% sure he's not seeing anyone else. I should probably ask, but I like the way things are going right now. I don't see him every day, and I'm ok with that. I realized after Clayton (the second time when he threatened to kill me) that I haven't spent any time alone since my Mom died. And then I realized that I can be alone. So I like this space. I like my freedom. I'm not lonely in my apartment without my roomie or a man to keep me company. I appreciate the silence. And being able to choose what music I'm listening to. And what movie I want to watch.

Anyway. I'm happy. This is the first step toward regaining my control. that and the calorie counting app I downloaded for my e-reader. This shit is not happening again. I'm fixing this now. I want to eat something soooooo fucking bad, but the thought of having to add calories to my app keeps me from doing it. Thank god. Someone or something has to keep me accountable (I'm counting blogging as the someone part)

G'night lovelies.

Holy crap, my life is exciting

I know that sounded really sarcastic.... lol. But it really really is.

Food Wise: Been doing alright. Haven`t been eating the best food but have been doing it in moderation. . . most of the time. Today I`m back to protein shakes, though I`m leaving for the city in like 2 days anyway.


Exercise Wise: I've been doing alright. Have NOT been working out every day :( Though I have tried to at least go for a walk every day. Yesterday I didn't do shit, but I'll explain later.

Men (life) Wise: This is where it gets exciting... I'll give you a day by day. So Clayton has been texting me that he's trying to come home and was going to talk to his boss to try and get home on the weekend. Here are the events that followed:

Thursday - Went out to Baker's Campground with Hollee (Tim's wife). She's not the social butterfly that I am, so it was kinda quiet. Texted with Clayton as long as I could but reception cuts out around like 10 pm hahah. At 6:30 in the morning I get a text from him that says "Good morining. I'm coming home". I'm like squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... Oh SHIT. He's going to think I'm fat and ugly and not want to be around me.

Friday -OK. You should keep in mind before I tell this story, that there has be A LOT of sexy texting leading up to Clayton coming home. I mean like dirty stuff. Not as graphic and vulgar as Muscles, but pretty close. I spend most of the day at the camp ground. I leave around 4pm. I felt bad leaving any earlier because Tim couldn't come out until after 5 because of work and I didn't want to leave her alone, but I really wanted to go home and freak out some more. At like 6 Clayton texts me, "Is there a Tornado watch for Swan River". I look, yup there is! lol. So he  powers through, gets home at like 8:30. Texts me to tell me he has to check on the horses and shower, then we should see each other if I don't have other plans. I tell him I'm just relaxing at home. He asks if I want to come see the horses with him. Of course I do! He asks me if I remember where he lives. Oh do I ever. But then he's like, wait, that's very rude of me. I'll come get you. Sooooo we grab a case of beer on the way out of town and head out to the ranch. Gosh. The horses are gorgeous. His horse is all mad at him because he's been away at camp for like 2 months straight, but his Mom's horse is a total sweet heart and totally loves me. We have a couple of beer in the veranda of the little cabin out there, and talk about life and stuff. :) Going well so far. He asks me if I want to go home yet. I say no. He suggests we get more beer (we bought a minimal amount) and go to his parents cabin (they live in a cabin) and have a bonfire. I think that sounds like a great idea. So we go to town, and come back to the cabin. Sit around the bonfire for a bit (it's late at this point) and he suggests a  quad ride. Haha. He totally just wanted me to put my arms around him. So we go. It's fast and exciting. :D What a thrill, my hair whipping around (looked like shit afterwards). We get back, and drink more beer, he's all flirty and teasing me. It's adorable. Keep in mind I'm calling a 30 year old man with a beard adorable lol. Like everything I want out of life he also wants. He asks if I want to go watch a movie I agree. So we sit on the couch for like 10 minutes channel surfing, then the lays down and pulls me onto his chest. That lasted all of like 5 minutes. He was holding me and then he said "god, you smell good" . . . 2 minutes later "Ok. That's it, I'm going down on you like right now". Pulls me off to the bedroom, we're making out in a frenzy (I haven't had this feeling in forever. Billy never got to the heat of passion frenzied kisses where you just NEED to have someone like NOW). Sooooo that happens for some time and then the other things that normally follow it happen.... like 4 or 5 times. More for me, I didn't count. It was light out by the time we were going to sleep. In the morning we lay around being lazy until like 11:30. He needs to get fuel for his truck and asks me if I want to go home. I say I need to shower and stuff. He's going to Thompson to pick up his boat anyway that day.

Saturday - He leaves for Thompson at like noon. It's a 4 hour drive. I figured he'd probably stay there over night. I go to the campground for supper with Tim and Hollee at like 6. Stay there until 9:30. While I'm there Clayton texts to say he's at a buddy's place and I probably don't want to go there because the guys are a little wild. He says "I just got here" at 8:30... silly me thinks oh, he just got to Thompson.... well I guess I'm not seeing him tonight. So I stop texting him... at like 1:30 (I'm still up since I never sleep) he texts me "Come get me". I ignore it thinking he's still 4 hours away.... he texts me a couple more times but I go to bed shortly after that. At like 3:30 he calls me and asks me if I can come get him. Says there are shenanegans going down at the party he's at. I get there... there are no shenanegans lol. He just wants to see me. He's very drunk it's cute. He runs his hand through my hair while I'm driving :) I ask him where to? He says my place. I say negatory. He says well you can drive me home but only if you stay with me. Haha. Of course I'll stay, I say, but you have to promise to be good. We can't sleep with each other this time. Why not he asks. Because I don't want to just be your fuck buddy. He gets all mad and starts ranting about girls in this town, and how if he wanted one of those he would have one. I ask him why he's getting so mad. And he says well you just told me you wanna be a fuck buddy, and I just didn't want that at all. I correct him, no I DON'T want to be your fuck buddy. He laughs, oh well then. I ask him what he does want. He says, I dunno, I figure I'll get to know you a little, maybe marry ya. He also says, I'll never hurt you, I'm not that kind of guy. I say watch out, I'm a heartbreaker. He says, well I hope you don't break my heart, it would be easy for you to do. We get to his house and he starts putting his arms around me and kissing my neck (I knew this would happen.... lol. I'm awful like that). The kissing starts and then just doesn't stop. It's 4 by the time we get there, and it's at least 6 before we decide that it's sleep time and that the bed is too wet and move to the couch. Yeah. Because that's what you do on a couch... sleep. Hahahhahha.. .... we did. But probably not until like 7. At one point I tried to get the blanket out from under us, he asked what's wrong, I said I'm cold. He pulled me onto his chest and asked if I was cold now. No. :) Warm and fuzzy. We move back to the bed because couch sleep isn't that great with 2 people at like 9ish.... good thing too because  a couple hours later I hear someone come into the cabin and shut his door.... half naked girl and boy on couch, not a sight for children/family members.

Sunday - We laze around in his room and fool around, fool around a bit. It's at least 1 before we even attempt to get up. My whole body is tired, his is hungover lol. We get up, his sister and her kid (who's 15) are there. I probably look guiltier than a hooker in church, he's all grins even though he feels like shit. We sit around talking with his sister until like 4 then we go to get his truck from in town where he left it. He asks me if I'm coming over?  I say I need to go home and do some stuff. He says he's going to go home and go back to bed, he thinks he's getting sick yet on top of the hangover. I say text if you want company. He says he'll call me. Poor guy, like 10 minutes after I dropped him off he texts me to say he just threw up, and sorry he was such poor company. I say we've all been there, go to sleep. At like 8:30 I text him to see how he's doing. At 9 he texts back "I am so sick". Soo I figure he probably needs to be home and sleep it off. I went to bed at like 11. At 12:30 my friend Dave calls me and asks me if I can give him a ride home. Usually he stumbles home when he's drunk, and declines my offers of a ride home, but be tripped and mucked up his face and he's like 2 blocks from my house. I tell him of course. I go downstairs, with a towel, he's already there... but a towel will not be good enough. I take him upstairs and give him the proper tools to get washed up with. He spends like 15 minutes telling me he's sorry for calling me, and how he didn't mean to wake up me or anything. I tell him it's fine, I'd rather him come here and me know he's ok than hear about someone finding him in a ditch the next morning. I get him a rag, to clean up with. He's a mess, but kissing pavement will do that to you. I was standing outside the bathroom talking to him and at one point he looked up at me and winked.... and well as much as I think he's hot, we've never been those friends. He gets cleaned up and attempts to clean my counter up. Did a pretty good job considering he was using the same face cloth he cleaned up with to wipe up the blood around the sink. He's finally ready to go, we go down to my car, he's so drunk he can't put his shoes on, so he carries them lol. He also can't operate the door handle on my car. I have to move him over, open the door then help him in. He's like, you coming in for a beer? I'm like sure.... (no I want to make sure you don't face plant in your living room). His dogs, plus the 2 he's dog sitting, had pulled something out of the garbage can, so he gets the broom, I have to pee so I sneak away to the bathroom. After I get distracted by the 2 pitbulls and the 2 giant black dogs, and start playing around with them. Dave yells, hey, come ere. I go to the living room, he's sitting on the floor lol. I help him up. He gives me what I imagine he thinks is a sexy look, and then starts to lift my shirt. I'm like, HEY I don't know what you think is about to happen here, but it's not what you're thinking right now. He's like, hey, I don't know what you're talking about. I convince him it's time go to bed. He holds out his hand and I hold it for a moment, give his big toe a yank and say good night. Yeesh lol.

Now it's Sunday. Who knows what today will bring.. . . it's cloudy then sunny. Mother nature must be on her rag. Thank god I'm on the shot!

Love you ladies. Hope you all had a great long weekend (if it's a long weekend where you are)
XOXO
Nessa

Rainy days . . . blarg

Hey all :) Nice to get comments on my vlog post. Sorry it was so long.... ugh. I hate that lol

Sooo like I said in my vlog. I'm about the size I was at 180 last summer, but I'm hovering around 205. I'm coming to terms with this. . . . Building muscle is a good thing. Plus I look at my face at 180 and it definitely is more defined right now even though I'm heavier.

Food wise: I've been doing protein shakes for breakfast and lunch with 2 snacks, then something either a salad or something else healthy like salmon and wild rice and asparagus. Until a week and a half ago when I went down south to visit with family and friends and drop Kat off with her family. Then my eating went to shit. Though somehow I came home a pound lighter and an inch smaller around my waist. Don't ask me how that happened. Of course any progress is immediately sabotaged by myself. Soooo I ate shitty for 2-3 more days here, but now I'm getting back on track. I went to see a nutritionist because of my 30 pound weight gain over the winter (which kept going all the way until May) and she told me not to be so hard on myself when I have a weak moment because it will cause me to stress eat, which it totally does. Soooo I'm doing my best to not freak out about indiscretions. And I can't feel too badly about eating bread or something worse, since throwing myself back into two liquid meals per day is kind of drastic.

Excercise wise: Before I went down south, Kat and I were walking around the lake/doing the hills here every morning. Sometimes I'd work out in the afternoon and then Mon/Wed/Fri we'd do Couch to 5K. Since I pretty much let myself go hardcore after that 5k I did on Halloween. In fact, I would say that the 30 pounds i gained was between Halloween and May. That's 7 months... I can't believe I let myself go again. But at least I caught it before it got really out of hand. Well I wouldn't exactly consider this under control.... Anywho, since being back from the city, I've kept up with my running. I'm doing some pilates/yoga randomly, but my motivation is lacking. But something is better than nothing right? I've been walking a lot, like I walked across town to visit my friend's mom on Friday afternoon. Sunday morning I walked across town to pick up my car after a drunk night. Actually it wasn't that bad. I was the designated driver until we got back to town from the beach, which was like 1am. Then I had 4 or 5 drinks and was pretty wasted. Ah yes, the life of a lush! I gained some mega alcohol tolerance dating Billy. Speaking of...

Men wise: Well I'm single as I'm sure you've gathered by now. And as you are already aware... my life revolves around men. . .  And I like it that way. lol. Sooooo I think i vlogged about Barry, and Anthony, and I said i would leave Clayton until next time.

So here's the deal with Clayton. Mystery man who drove me home when my plane wouldn't land at Easter? Bing-o! Yes, sooo while I was stuck in a town an hour and a half away (in good weather) and Billy's mother wouldn't let him come get me in her 4/4 with studded tires because the roads were too bad (eye roll), Clayton's mom was bringing him his big truck, only I didn't know his name until we finally were leaving the airport. I figured if I was getting in a car with strangers I should at least know the name of the one who was rescuing me. Clayton and I got a ride out of town to the Snow Lake turn off, and waited half an hour in some other guys car (like an old old guy. He was picking up an employee from the airport). The topic of a boyfriend on my part didn't even come up until we'd been waiting at the corner for a good 20 minutes. He asked me "so who are you with in Flin Flon?"  and I asked "What do you mean?" and he said "Well you must have a boyfriend" and i was like ummm yeah I'm with Billly Williamson. but i was reluctant to tell him, which never happens to me. He was just so sweet and nice and I don't know what i wanted him to think. I think I just wanted to enjoy someone liking me the way I am, talking to me, without any pre-conceived notions attached to who I was dating. And i wanted him to see me as single and available. I swear to god this didn't ever happen before or after this in my relationship. Maybe I was mad that Billy refused to come with me to spend time with my family, after all at that point we'd been together 7 months and none of my Dad's family had met him. Maybe I was tired of not feeling loved, or at least not being told I was loved (that's right, Billy didn't tell me he loved me in the whole 10 months we were dating). Anyway, whatever the reason, I didn't want to tell Clayton. But I can't lie so of course I did. Anywho, his mom showed up with his truck. Turns out he actually lives 20 minutes (in good weather) out of town. Lol. So I hop in the back seat, and we drop his mom off on the way (I wasn't sure why... since she's already in the truck). She gets out of the truck and says something like "have fun you two, but not too much fun". Hahahahh.... really?? he told her I was with Billy. Anyway, then we drove like 40 minutes to Flin Flon for him to drop me off at my house, meaning he has to drive 40 minutes back to wherever he lives.

Fast forward to July 19th, he messages me on Facebook while i'm driving down to Winnipeg, asking what's up. I tell him I'm heading down south. He asks if Billy and I are on holiday? I tell him that he isn't in the picture anymore, he asks what happened, I said we wanted different things. He said better to figure that out before anything gets serious and someone ends up hurt. I said you bet. He said we should hang out when you get back, and to message him when I'm home. He was on his way home for 2 weeks. A couple days later he messages me again, all hey how's it going? How's the city. I tell him I'm partying, he says live it up down there. Then he messages me every day while I'm down there. Halfway through the week he gets called back to work. Shitty deal for him, he was relaxing on a boat on a lake when he got the call lol. I got home on the 26th, he sends me his phone number so we can text instead of facebook message. He wants the same things as me, a family, a wife (well I want a husband) and a home. He's actually planning to buy a house in the Fall. We talk about life and relationships, he tells me he's liked me since he met me and has been thinking about me since then. I tell him I think we have the cutest "how we met" story every. He said he's been thinking the same thing.

Last night he called me. It was super cute. His phone has a horrible speaker so he could only hear half of what i was saying. He said he was sorry that he always falls asleep while we're texting, and it's not that i'm boring and that he really likes me and he can't wait to come home to spend time with me.I said I wish I'd been born in the 50's so I could just be a house wife, and he said that he says he wish he'd been born in the 50's all the time. I asked him if he wanted me to sing him a lullaby because he's so tired. (because after 6 weeks of 12 hour shifts I'd be dead to the world, never mind texting pretty girls. eff that) and he was like yes! That would be awesome. but i'm a wuss so i said i couldn't sing it would be too embarrassing. so he told me to text it to him when we hung up. so i texted him a lullaby. He said that it was cute.

Anywho. We'll see where this goes. He's 4 years older than me (HOORAY!! Always like it when a guys older). He has a horse and a dirtbike, and a boat, and a bajillion other toys. Aaaaaaaaaaaand we have this spark of sexual tension, this un-namable click. It's neat. For all the talking Anthony and I have done about life goals and marriage and children, there was a spark missing.  I'm optimistic. This would be awesome but I'm not getting  my hopes up.

I told myself I would stay single until Christmas... .but I highly doubt that will happen. The way I see it, I used Billy to get over Greg and Gerard, and it worked. And because he didn't ever tell me he loved me it was easy to get over that shit. . . And I finally let Gerard go. I was thinking maybe since he's moving up north i could take this term position that is opening up in Thompson (where Anthony lives and my aunt and uncle and Gerard is moving to) and I could win him back. but since he ignored me the whole time i was in the city....eff that. Plus I read somewhere that to really be able to love someone you have to let go of old flames.ALL OF THEM. and if i'm looking for a husband.... i probably should do that.

Alright, enough babbling from me. Sorry the man category is always way longer than anything else. Essh. i just like men... and sex... a lot lol.

Kk. Love you all :) XOXO
Nessa

Here I am

Yeah... I know I disappeared. Things with Billy got really great and I wanted to leave this world behind (and I got fat again as a result).... and then everything fell apart.... arg.

It is a really long story and I will type it.... or possibly vlog it.

DISCLAIMER: 30 MINUTES OF PURE NESSA FOLLOWS. Probably boring as shit, but I had 6 months to report on lol.

Oh.... I didn't mention Clayton hahahahah. I'll get to him next time. I'm still trying to figure this whole dating thing out.

And here's my tattoo!

Ok. I'm le tired of typing. Can't wait to start this shit up again!!!! Love you !!!!! XOXOXOXOXO Nessa

Grr. Well at least the health challenge has started

What a weird weekend. soo Friday saw 196.5 on the scale.... ugh. This morning I was 195.1. I'm pretty constipated. Fuck. how do I just keep getting heavier????? GOD DAMNIT. I"M SO TIRED OF BEING FAT!!!

Aaaaalright. Friday, I went out for appetizers with some friends, then played some board games for a bit. It was boring and one of the two people (the host of the board game portion) was tooootally ignoring me. Not on purpose, but it's like he didn't hear anything I was saying. Whatever, I left early and went to bed. Billy stayed home, since he has to work at 9am Saturday mornings.

Saturday was retarded. I was mad at Billy because he hasn't really spent any time with me since he got back from vacation. I asked him about it and he said it was because he didn't really get any alone time on vacation. I was pretty grumpy at him at Tim's house and then when we came back to my place.... He went to go down on me and I stopped him and asked him what this was to him.... And if it was just sex, and started crying. He was immediately turned off (duh) and said insecurity is the biggest turn off in a girl. He said if it was just sex he wouldn't have introduced me to his family. Ugh. I said I know how I feel but I have no idea how you feel. (this was not the way I wanted the talk to happen... ugh). He just kept saying "I don't know what to say right now". I told him I was scared, he said I didn't need to be. He said "I might never be able to tell you how I feel". What does that mean?? I said "that's ok. Whatever, if you didn't care for me, you wouldn't be here." He said "exactly" and pulled me onto his chest and we fell asleep. In the morning, when he woke up, he rolled over and started kissing me... then he went to go down on me, and on his way down said "don't be silly, just let me do this for you." And did he ever... Like, multiple orgasms for me :) Spent Sunday being lazy. Made us waffles, hung out on the couch watching Football and playing little Facebook games. Went to his house, he made us supper and we chilled all afternoon and evening. Played some video games (I knitted), watched a movie, and generally enjoyed each others company. I'm still a little bit worried about weirding him out... Like I think I majorly freaked him out :( I'm just going to pretend I didn't do that. And I'm going to give him some space. Let him come to me, let him initiate our time together. If that makes me a pathetic girl...well then I am.

--Later--

Ok. Things are good. I think. I'm positive. Today was his day off, we texted back and forth all day in our normal fashion. Then after school he sent me a text that said "I've been thinking about the family gathering thing a big and talking it over with mom and dad too" (because we were going to drive overnight on Saturday night to get to my family thing on Sunday). I tried not to panic and asked if this was a conversation we should have in person... getting a little freaked out. and he said "I'm not overly excited to be traveling at night when it's going to be so cold... just don't think it's too smart" which it isn't... and if it snowed even a little bit we'd be fucked, and possibly stuck in the 10 foot ditches. Normally, when I'm in psycho mode (a la Saturday night) I would have fallen off the deep end with questions  like "don't you want to meet my family? aren't I important to you?"... but instead I said "you're right, maybe we should sit this one out. There will be more gatherings". He said he was really sorry but that he thought the best idea was to not go. I said  "don't be sorry babe :) I'm not upset". He said that's what he was worried about. Things are good, as long as I can get my sex fill every couple of days, I'll be happy and rational. :D Never again will I go like 16 days... that was stupid.

Then he texted to say he was going for a nap... and I did my first day of P90X. All of my muscles will hate me tomorrow. The scale might also hate me. I have no idea. The tape measure hated me. My waist is 3 inches bigger than it was this summer. I know 3 inches isn't a lot when you're my size, but it was depressing none the less. Maybe that's what's been missing in my motivation... numbers other than the scale.

Anywho, tomorrow is Tuesday, and I'm going to Zumba class instead of doing p90x cardio. I agreed to go with Hollee, and we've been getting along really well lately, and I don't have a whole lot of female friends, so Hollee and I will Zumba it up. It's only 6 classes in January. I'll miss all the "CardioX" parts of p90x this month, and possibly the yoga days, though I think i might try to do the yoga anyway after I get home from Zumba. 

Lord help me, I'm fat and lazy. Working out every day is going to be hard for me for the first bit. I miss the summer when I walked or jogged/ran every day. I cannot wait for walking weather... that and sunlight. It's overcast cloudy EVERY DAY here. There was a brief period of sun today and one day last week as the sun was going down. Makes me grumpy... Guess I'll just need to get extra sex, though this weeks workout schedule will make that difficult/painful... erg lol.

Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway. I hope you all had a great Monday. I'll ttyl. XOXO

weigh in tomorrow

It's 2:30am. I'm tired. But I'm terrified of my weigh in tomorrow  morning.


Went out to play pool with Billy. Met some of his other friends. Came back to his house to watch a movie, could NOT get warm. I said "yeesh, I'm so cold". Billy said "No you're not, you're hot. No really, you are." Won't he think I'm fucking amazing when I get down to a size 10 (or lower... but baby steps).

Fucking terrified of the scale right now. I'm going to drink some Metamucil before I go to bed. Hopefully get everything moving before the morning.

Picking up the slack

Weight... I have no idea... if I had to guess right now, I'd guess like 195, then I'd cry. Not stepping on the scale until Friday.

I bailed on the cabbage soup diet. Billy invited me for dinner with his grandpa and then I realized it would be really hard to hide it from him... so instead i'll just be a workout machine... even though i'm lazy. Oh and I threw out all of the food I could binge on. Like seriously. I feel like binging so bad right now... what a fucking horrible addiction. I feel like I neeeeeed to binge, probably just out of habit. :( Luckily all i have in my house now is food that requires preparing, and fresh fruits and veggies. I want to eat a sleeve of stone ground wheat thins. And a loaf of bread. Carbs and sweets, those are my fucking kryptonite. I had some flopped fudge in my fridge that I'd been shovelling into my mouth, along with ice cream, crackers, popcorn and millions (seemingly) of other foods. They are in the trash can. Buried. I don't have any peanut butter, and I'm not sure I will replace it anytime soon.

I want to try P90X... but I'm lazy and bad at following through. I think I will try the "lean" program. Starting Monday, the first day of the health challenge.

Anywho, I'm fat and grumpy and tired. Soooooo I'll talk to you ladies later.

Bingety binge binge

Oh fuck. Whatever good I've done in the last few days has been undone by two days of binging. My self confidence issues and worries about my relationship ending suddenly without any notice or hints have manifested themselves through food. That and all those plans I had to tell Billy I love him... that weighed heavily on my mind. Then I talked to my aunt and I told her I'd rather him say it first, and she said "so wait then. You clearly both love each other by your actions". And guess what.. no more psycho, "OMG DOES HE LOVE ME OR DOES HE HATE ME AND WANT TO DUMP ME" mentality. I asked him if he was mad at me yesterday because he didn't stay over (which usually happens on Saturdays) and he said absolutely not, everything is wonderful. And it is. Our only problems are me being insecure... and me being fat lol.

I have NOOOO idea how much I weigh. I'm too scared to look. I'm going to wait until Friday to check. Luckily yoga is supposed to start this week along with dodgeball. And it's hard to binge eat while at school, because ya know, I'm supposed to be teaching. ... Ugh. tomorrow will be shitty. It's 2am and I'm finally going to bed... and I have to get up at 7 to make my day ready because I did absolutely NO planning over my break. Yeesh. I suck at this teacher game. :P

Anywho. Night lovelies. I hope you all ate less than I did this weekend.
XO

He's home and everything is right in the world.

Impractical Shopper and Peridot you two are the sweetest girls ever. :) Your comments always make me smile. :)

190.7 this morning. Alright. Two days with the same number, I will take it, considering we had chips (i ate sooooooooo  many less than I normally do) and beef jerkey (I only had like 5 little squares!! Go me!).

Soooo they came home an hour earlier than I was expecting, so perogie pizza was not ready, i didn't have make-up on, and i didn't brush my hair. Lol. I was going to put so much effort into looking nice and having everything ready for them when they came home. Instead I was taking a nap when they got home lol.. It's ok. He was still happy to see me.

When we finally got back to my place, he pulled me onto him on the couch and just held me for like half an hour. :) Sooo nice. :) :) We sat and watched the news, and snuggled, then went to my room and snuggled. My period actually made an apparent appearance so when that moment came i was all "Oh god, you're going to hate me for this...." but he didn't. We made out for like 40 minutes. :) Aaaaaaaaaaand then had sex in the shower. It was so sweet. :) Then we lay in bed and he told me he missed me, and everything he missed about me while he was gone. I didn't tell him I love him though.. not yet. It will happen, I'm just too scarred to say it. He did ask a few times "what cha thinkin'?" but I just said "lotsa stuff :)". Yeaaaaaaaaaah... I'm just going to wait for one of those moments where I can barely not say it and just let it come out.

Alright. There is a "Health Challenge" in Flin Flon from January 17-February 26. There is a little grid to fill out every week. Then there are extra challenges. This is the daily stuff.

Week 1	Mo	Tu	We	Th	Fr	Sa	Su
Eat healthy/restrict junk food
Eat breakfast
eat fish 2x per week
veggies/fruits 7X per day
me time (15 min)
water 6-8 cups
physical activity 30 min - 5 days a week
sleep 7-8 hours
limit alcohol - 2 drinks per day

For whatever reason the gridlines didn't show up... Boooooooooooo. Oh well. Took some laxatives at lunch time.(ouch, they hurt this time :( ) Had my bacon and egg (singular) and flax seed toast. I'm going to run across the street right away and get some groceries. Fresh veggies ... maybe I'll try the cabbage soup diet again? Yes. I think I will do that. I'll make the soup today and start tomorrow. It's too late to start today anyway. Maybe I'll do it then take a week off then do it again. ... or not. We'll see how it goes. I don't think I've ever finished a cabbage soup diet to begin with...

This is what Billy brought me back from Cuba. He said they had rings that he thought about bringing me but they weren't that nice.

 Anywho, gonna go get groceries before the laxatives make their way to the other end of my digestive tract. Fingers crossed they're done their thing before Billy's done work. He's "nerding it up" with his PS3 tonight. He bought a game we'd both like (awww) Skyrim. :D Sooooo tonight we nerd. :D

Love you lovelies.
XOXO


UPDATE: My brain is rolling back to counting calories. Time to buy safe foods and dust off the old measuring cups. :)

Day 9 - IT"S OVER!!!

WARNING: VULGAR SEX TALK IN THIS POST

In 5 hours Billy will be home with me!!

190.7 this morning, after drinking water and half a can of pop. Cannot wait to wake up in my own apartment so i can weigh myself first thing.

My upper back is killing me from that 7 minute workout. Who knew flexing your muscles as hard as possible 4 times for only 30 seconds could leave in you in so much pain? My butt also hurts like I did a shit tonne of squats.

I restricted yesterday. One meal and some soy nuts as a snack. Went to Jordana's at 11ish, she was sad over her ex. That girl is suuuuuuuuch a bitch to have hurt her this way. We had a good heart to heart. Loreena left around 1 ish and I stayed and chatted with Jordana until almost 4 in the morning. Billy texted me at 11:30 to say he was in the country! He missed me! And he has a present for me that he thinks I'll really like. I told him he didn't have to, but I'm very happy that he did. I got my period. :( I was spotting for a few days now but I was hoping that the depo would keep me from getting a period... though to be fair, it's sooooooooooo light I don't even have to use anything.. I wonder if I should chance sex... or just be up front about it and have to wait. Gah. I can barely go 4 days without sex normally, 9 days has been a stretch of the imagination.. though my sex drive pretty much disappeared when he left. Like I couldn't even masturbate... weird. Pretty sure all I need is a kiss and I'll be rearing to go. I bet if there is enough foreplay my period will be non existent. It's not even coming out of me of it's own accord anyway... just do a little tidy, get reeeeeeeeeeeally turned on and i should be good to go. Right? Yeah. I'm going to go with that one. Wish me luck.

I'm so friggin' nervous for him to come home. I don't think he's listened to the voicemails yet... he probably won't until he gets to the Manitoba border (otherwise he'd have to pay long distance to check his voice mail) which according to my map is riiiiiiiiiiiight when he gets to Flin Flon. Flin Flon is right on the border between Manitoba and Saskatchewan, part of it is even in Saskatchewan. Soooo I should be safe from any awkward until riiiiiight before he gets here. The cell phone reception for his drive home is particularly bad, so contact while they're driving will be limited. I told him pizza would be waiting for him, he said I'm the best. What does that mean? Is that the boy equivalent of I love you? Bah. He's said it like a bajillion times before he left. And as he was driving away from me his Facebook status was "I have the bestest girlfriend ever". Plan for when he comes home:

• Have perogie pizza ready for his family. 
• Kidnap Billy and whisk him back to my apartment
• Give him a new years kiss under the "Happy New Year" banner I stole from the bar
• Snuggle the shit out of him
• Possibly have some sexy time
• Fall asleep on his chest
• Wake up before him
• Give him a sexy wake up bj
• Cook him bacon
• Send him off to work with a smile on his face

If he doesn't love me after all of this, plus all of the other awesomeness I've brought to the table, he's a damn fool!

Alright. No meals until they come home. I had a small bowl of 1/2 cheerios, 1/2 all bran. Gotta keep my poops regular... without laxatives.

Ok. 3.5 hours until I turn the oven on. Then the real countdown begins.... fuuuuuuuuuuuuck I'm nervous....

Day 8 almost over

Tomorrow Billy comes home!!!

OH, I FIXED THE VIDEO I POSTED OF ME SINGING. :)

194.5 kill me now. At least I only had 1 meal today and I managed to make it until 4:30 before I did, and I snacked on some dehydrated soy beans. And like 4 diet pepsis, and some tea. Fingers are crossed for tomorrow.... I hope he doesn't come home and think "oh god, my girlfriend is a fatty...". Today I looked in the mirror, and I looked like I was 250 pounds again. Like literally, looked exactly like it. Shit. Do I look like I wear a size 18 or 20 pant again??? ugh. Why can't I just control my mouth? (i mean my eating, not my talking)

Did pilates today after I cleaned my apartment. Also did my "shapely secrets" 7 minute workout video. It's just holding muscle contractions. I used it in second year, and they give you a little chart to track your weight and inches and there was some pretty drastic changes pretty quickly. Like in a couple of weeks there was at least an inch difference.. then I got bad at doing it. I'm going to try to keep doing pilates in the morning, possibly followed by the shapely secrets video. :) This is one of the few reasons I'm glad I live alone. I can do pilates in my living room and nobody sees me. Nobody thinks, wtf is she doing? Unless there's someone on the roof of Co-op.

Does anyone know why I can't upload a template and have it save? Grrr. I tried using different browsers but it just won't let me save it after I paste the html code... Ah well. I'm not nerdy enough to fix it.

I'm ridiculously excited for Billy to come home. Today passed pretty quickly, but this evening is draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagging on. The rest of the time he's been gone I've been in bed by now (even if I went back out after I was dolled up for bed time). Now I'm not tired at all. I was going to make the pizza dough this evening... but I don't think Billy's mom has yeast in the house. I was going to bring mine from my house but my brain was so frazzled this morning from not eating anything and drinking coffee.

I skyped with my sister for like and hour and a half. We talked about Dad a little bit. Gah. It's not that I hate my father, but he's so hard to be around. He thinks I resent him because my mom died, I don't. I don't know, maybe I do a little bit... Maybe I resent him putting so much effort into "saving her" when there was nothing that could be done, and ignoring the rest of our family. Even when they put her in palliative care, and she had so much fluid surrounding her organs she could barely breathe, and they were draining it every day. Even when she started babbling and talking about seeing through floors and the colour of ice, he still believed she would recover. I hope that someday I have a husband who loves me so much that even as I lay dying he still believes I'll get up and walk away. Maybe it's that talking to my dad reminds me of my mom and that's painful... It's sad, but I think to myself why do we have to get along... we don't have to force it if it's not going to happen.

Anywho... I'm going to go ... not sleep. :( Frack. 21 hours until I see my baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayby. And either he loves me and misses me and can't wait to hold me, or he's realized I'm a lard-o and he can do better. Fingers are crossed.

Love you ladies.
xoxo

Day 7... whatever.

Two more days!!! 

Alright. I have no clue what I weigh right now. It's just been eat eat eat eat eat eat eat... for the past two days. I think I'm stressed over my drunk/crying voice mail. Actually I know I'm stressed over it. I don't want to smother him, so i'm worried that I've sent too many voice mails/text messages while he's been away. I have sent 1 email, 2 drunk voice mails, and 1 text message. That doesn't sound over the top... but I'm so fucking paranoid. Fuck my life. I wish my brain hadn't been all screwed up by Greg. Anytime I showed him affection he brushed it off, anytime I initiated contact/sex/snuggling he literally pushed me off. Now I'm worried that initiating saying I love you will end up the same as with dumb-dumb. Have I told you this story yet? Well my apologies if I have already because here it is:

When I fell for Greg (in the beginning when he was nice to me and not a complete controlling asshole who wanted me to not have a job and live on a self sufficient community with no car, no job and no internet/phone....), he knew I'd been dancing around the subject of love for a couple of weeks. Finally he drove me home (gasp.. this like neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever happened... he didn't feel it was fair for me to expect him to drive me home when i owned a bus pass. sooo many sunday's after dinner at my grandparents and he'd phone to say he got home safely (he lived out of town) and I'd still be waiting for my transfer... super douche bag). Anyway, he drove me home and we were lying on my futon  and he said "is there something you want to say to me. i know you've been wanting to say it for a while, so you should just tell me" and i finally broke down and said "i love you" and his response was "now that i'm older and more mature, i realize how much responsibility those words require.. and i'm just not ready to say it". Oh god. I'm fucking scarred.

Also, sorry that the video of me singing I posted didn't work. :( I'll try to fix it when I'm home next, which might be tomorrow but might not. I have so much shit to do before they come home. I've already washed all of Billy's bedding, and I'm going to spray my perfume under the covers so the second night he's home (the first night I'm stealing him) he'll smell me and think of me/want me to be in bed with him. :) I'm a sneaky girl... or manipulative.. but i prefer sneaky because it doesn't make me sound evil. Frack. I've got it bad. I want him to move in with me and love me forever. I want to spend every morning we have off together lying in each others arms

Sooooo tomorrow's plan:

• DO NOT EAT. 
•  Do pilates in the morning. 
• Weigh myself. 
• Shudder/cry at the number on the scale. 
• Make pizza dough to put in the fridge to set. 
•  Buy a bag of perogies and container of sour cream for the perogie pizza I intend to have ready for Billy when he comes home.... 

Perhaps I'll take big dog for a car ride again. I did that today and we walked for 20ish minutes... but it was fuuuuucking cold out and i hadn't thought to bring a toque. Tomorrow if we take a puppy walk down the old highway I will dress appropriately, though it's normally not that windy up here in the North.

Anyway. Two more sleeps for me :( I just want this time apart to be over.
Love you girlies. XOXO

recording i promised.

Here. It's a "video" just so I could upload it to Facebook. I'm singing in this one. I wrote the song in high school.. yeah. I was that cool!

Day 5 - aaaaaaaaalrighty then

4 Days  :)

Sorry the audio is so quiet... I need to figure out how to make it louder.

Frig. I totally re-recorded my drunk voice mail to Billy like 3 times... then pressed the wrong button. So the one I sent him had me crying at the end and saying "Love you, bye". Farg. Freaking out a little bit. but whatever. He must know deep down how I feel. Fuck I am waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too drunk to be blogging right now. Watch my vlog. :)

When I'm next at my own apartment I will post the video I mentioned in my non-drunk vlog above (of my friend and I singing).

Happy New Year. XOXO

This is the year we take the world by storm. :)